It’s Friday, and you have no idea how glad I am for that. It’s been a long- too long– week. I packed up over the weekend and headed back to university on Sunday- moving into halls for the last time. My room is as its ever been, with its mould and the suspicious stains and a heater that doesn’t work. After unpacking my stuff my dad took me out to dinner, and we had pizza followed by desert. I ate half my pizza and had the rest for take away, and similarly I ate half my desert and then slipped it into the cardboard box when the waiters weren’t around and made very sure not to disturb it. It was nice to spend some time with my dad after an entire holiday competing with my sister and my mothers attention. It’s amusing, too, how similar I am to my dad. Everyone always tell me that I look like my dad, that I have this or that personality trait from my dad. Sometimes I don’t see it, but sometimes there are moments when I can’t help but notice it. We were sitting there looking at the menus for a good five minutes, both of us so indecisive that we could neither of us decide whether we wanted a starter and a main course, or a main course and desert. Little things like this, that we both stop and think about far too much. We are both indecisive, yes. Both of deep thinkers, very private and introverted, both of us engineers. If only I could have my dads ridiculously high level of intelligence, too.
Anyway, On Monday lectures started again, bright and early at 9am and it was back to the same old same old once more. This week has been a busy one though, with deadlines and other such things.
On Wednesday I experienced my first ever interview. I don’t want to say for what. I was really nervous about it. I had some trouble finding something to wear, and when I sat down to prep for it the information on the net about interviews was overwhelming, and so I’m fairly sure I wasn’t prepared. I had no idea what they were going to ask. Tuesday night, from midnight to 1am I was sat there, edging closer to just putting my head in my hands and crying, as I realised the extent that I had no idea what I was doing. I felt overwhelmed and confused and totally out of my element. The next day I could barely focus in labs, from a lovely combination of lack of sleep and nerves. I came back to my room to get changed and for last minute prep and found I was running late, but I made it on time. The interview went badly, no worse than I expected, but it remained a fact that I came out there knowing I had failed. I rambled, said too much, said too little, said the wrong things. I fidgeted too, but I only became aware of how much afterwards (it was awful looking back and realising all the things I could have said. Could have done. Could have made it better.) I had to go meet someone to to some work when all I wanted was to go back and wallow in my disappointment in myself. I was confident, and friendly, and I did manage to smile and speak clearly, I think. If I fucked up, at least I did so confidently and with a smile. They have an option of giving us feedback on our interview, and I think once I get the reply I will email them, and ask them so I can prepare myself better in the future when it isn’t just for something like this, but an actual job, possibly my dream job.
Thursday also tested my nerves. I had my last RTS (real time systems) labs. We have to work in pairs to code a certain system. My partner has been nice, and I’m surprised at how well we ended up working together. There was a bit of awkwardness, but not too much. Of course neither of us are very good at C. He is far better than I, but between us we couldn’t get our system to work. To be fair my board had broken so yesterday was the first time for me to check my code, but nonetheless. We had a beautiful interactive menu system going on, but alas whatever option the user would chose got no more than a blank oscilloscope. And this Thursday was the final lab where they would sit down with us individually and talk about what we have done! The demonstrator just gave me a perfect O_O look after I explained how it was supposed to work quite neatly to him and then ended with “But it doesn’t work and I don’t know why”. He looked through the code and said it looked like it should work, so I guess it was OK. I wasn’t too nervous about it, more standing outside waiting I got somewhat worried. I’m very glad now that RTS is now done with, and I don’t have to do programming until next year. Well, I should probably practice over the summer because I suck at it, but realistically I wonder if I will do that.
Today I just had the one lecture and then I came home and I have no idea what I’ve been doing all afternoon. Certainly not work. My lecture was cancelled too which has only contributed to my laziness. Tonight I may spend equally uselessly because I just cannot be bothered with anything more. I’ve barely slept all week, and my diet is all over the place. Just not in a very good place, still. Even as I continue to try to stay positive, it gets increasingly hard. Therefore to end this long moan, here is a list of five good things about this week:
– Lunch on Monday- left over pizza, a muffin and I also treated myself to a caramel latte, all of which left me feeling cheerful for the rest of the day.
– My best friends constant support. Her regular text messages have really cheered me up. I’m so grateful to have such a good friend.
-Similarly, talking to my sister after my interview. I am also grateful for her support.
– Laughing with my RTS partner over our failed code. Our lecturer came over to which my partner said that our menu system was working just fine, and I added on, slightly under my breath but meant to be heard, “but nothing else.” The lecturer just smiled, in a way one could tell it wasn’t his first time hearing things like that.
– Noticing that one of my plants has flowered. Usually I am the complete opposite of green fingered, but I have actually managed not to kill my three plants, and now they are flourishing. Which is a good thing , as all three were presents and I don’t want to have to tell anyone that I killed what they gave me!