Hey, cheer up, cheer up, be brave. Show me your eyes and start running…This world is yours, it’s all yours.

It’s Friday, and you have no idea how glad I am for that. It’s been a long- too long– week. I packed up over the weekend and headed back to university on Sunday- moving into halls for the last time. My room is as its ever been, with its mould and the suspicious stains and a heater that doesn’t work.  After unpacking my stuff my dad took me out to dinner, and we had pizza followed by desert. I ate half my pizza and had the rest for take away, and similarly I ate half my desert and then slipped it into the cardboard box when the waiters weren’t around and made very sure not to disturb it. It was  nice to spend some time with my dad after an entire holiday competing with my sister and my mothers attention. It’s amusing, too, how similar I am to my dad. Everyone always tell me that I look like my dad, that I have this or that personality trait from my dad.  Sometimes I don’t see it, but sometimes there are moments when  I can’t help but notice it.  We were sitting there looking at the menus for a good five minutes, both of us so indecisive that we could neither of us decide whether we wanted a starter and a main course, or a main course and desert. Little things like this, that we  both stop and think about far too much. We are both indecisive, yes. Both of deep thinkers, very private and introverted, both of us engineers. If only I could have my dads ridiculously high level of  intelligence, too.

Anyway, On Monday lectures started again, bright and early at 9am and it was back to the same old same old once more. This week has been a busy one though, with deadlines and other such things.

On Wednesday I experienced my first ever interview. I don’t want to say for what. I was really nervous about it. I had some trouble finding something to wear, and when I sat down to prep for it the information on the net about interviews was overwhelming, and so I’m fairly sure I wasn’t prepared. I had no idea what they were going to ask. Tuesday night, from midnight to 1am I was sat there, edging closer to just putting my head in my hands and crying, as I realised the extent that I had no idea what I was doing. I felt overwhelmed and confused and totally out of my element. The next day I could barely focus in labs,  from a lovely combination of lack of sleep and nerves. I came back to my room to get changed and for last minute prep and found I was running late, but I made it on time. The interview went badly, no worse than I expected, but it remained a fact that I came out there knowing I had failed. I rambled, said too much, said too little, said the wrong things. I fidgeted too, but I only became aware of how much afterwards (it was awful looking back and realising all the things I could have said. Could have done. Could have made it better.) I had to go meet someone to to some work when all I wanted was to go back and wallow in my disappointment in myself. I was confident, and friendly, and I did manage to smile and speak clearly, I think.  If I fucked up, at least I did so confidently and with a smile. They have an option of giving us feedback on our interview, and I think once I get the reply I will email them, and ask them so I can prepare myself better in the future when it isn’t just for something like this, but an actual job, possibly my dream job.

Thursday also tested my nerves. I had my last RTS (real time systems) labs. We have to work in pairs to code a certain system. My partner has been nice, and I’m surprised at how well we ended up working together. There was a bit of awkwardness, but not too much. Of course neither of us are very good at C. He is far better than I, but between us we couldn’t get our system to work. To be fair my board had broken so yesterday was the first time for me to check my code, but nonetheless. We had a beautiful interactive menu system going on, but alas whatever option the user would chose got no more than a blank oscilloscope. And this Thursday was the final lab where they would sit down with us individually and talk about what we have done!  The demonstrator just gave me a perfect O_O look after I explained how it was supposed to work quite neatly to him and then ended with “But it doesn’t work and I don’t know why”. He looked through the code and said it looked like it should work, so I guess it was OK. I wasn’t too nervous about it, more standing outside waiting I got somewhat worried. I’m very glad now that RTS is now done with, and I don’t have to do programming until next year. Well, I should probably practice over the summer because I suck at it, but realistically I wonder if I will do that.

Today I just had the one lecture and then I came home and I have no idea what I’ve been doing all afternoon. Certainly not work. My lecture was cancelled too which has only contributed to my laziness. Tonight I may spend equally uselessly  because I just cannot be bothered with anything more. I’ve barely slept all week, and my diet is all over the place. Just not in a very good place, still. Even as I continue to try to stay positive, it gets increasingly hard.  Therefore to end this long moan, here is a list of five good things about this week:

– Lunch on Monday- left over pizza,  a muffin and I also treated myself to a caramel latte, all of which left me feeling cheerful for the rest of the day.

– My best friends constant support. Her regular text messages have really cheered me up. I’m so grateful to have such a good friend.

-Similarly, talking to my sister after my interview. I am also grateful for her support.

– Laughing with my RTS partner over our failed code. Our lecturer came over to which my partner said that our menu system was working just fine, and I added on, slightly under my breath but meant to be heard, “but nothing else.” The lecturer just smiled, in a way one could tell it wasn’t his first time hearing things like that.

– Noticing that one of my plants has flowered. Usually I am the complete opposite of green fingered, but I have actually managed not to kill my three plants, and now they are flourishing. Which is a good thing , as all three were presents and I don’t want to have to tell anyone that I killed what they gave me!

your eyes are stars of a different magnitude, they reflect lights that spell out: EXIT

I can’t believe I have to go back to university this Sunday. Dreading it doesn’t even cover it. I am not prepared to dealing with people again. I don’t feel like sitting through long lectures. I haven’t done any of my coursework, and revision isn’t really going well either. I don’t know if I’m going to pass my exams, and I want to, I really want to, but no matter what I do it never feels enough. I feel confused. I feel so stupid.

I’m really scared. Things have been going OK and it feels surreal, feels like I’m waiting for it to fall apart. Because I can’t succeed. I don’t feel like I’m good enough. I try and convince myself that I am, but then I become scared I’ll jinx it. Always this fear. I don’t really know how to be happy, without fearing the loss of it. I continue to tell myself “Everything will be OK”, but it feels more and more like a lie with every passing day. I’m tired of it. It’s not really OK.  I am trying but I don’t know if its enough, and I’m scared of the consequences if I can’t pull through.

Really, I’ll be so happy when this semester is over and done with.

Forget the dragon, leave the gun on the table, this has nothing to do with happiness.

It is currently the last day of the spring term. To say that this term has been hectic would be an understatement. Its just been go go go from the start. I feel like I haven’t even had time to stop, even though in reality I have wasted away this semester. I stopped going to Archery , and I rarely went to Badminton ( both for many reasons of which laziness was just a faction but still). I handed in all my course works mere hours before deadlines, and did no revision. I instead watched copious amount of dramas, spent too much time on youtube and twitter, and reading fanfic until the small hours in the morning. Getting no sleep, saying fuck this to the diet…

Everything was always I’ll do it later, I’ll start next week and now its the end of term and I’m still making those excuses. I admit I have started to crack under the pressure I am under- pressure I put on myself because of my fear of failure, and pressure I am under not to fail for outside reasons. I have started to slip into the old if i’m going to fail, why try? mindset of A levels which is crazy and immature. I do tend to take an ostrich approach when I become scared- that is, burying my head in the sand and pretending the problem will go away if I just ignore it long enough. Immature as fuck, really. Not impressed with myself lately :|

My apathy showed on my marks- several of my coursework marks were disappointingly low. Not failed, but still lower than usual and what I would like. I have really struggled to keep up this semester. RTS (real time systems) has been one of my most difficult subjects, and I’ve struggled with it even more than I did with C coding last semester. I feel really bad right now as I am working with another guy for the final RTS project and I feel like he’s putting in more work than I am, and doing a better job than I am. But I really don’t understand! Its not the only module I’ve struggled with. I’ll be honest and say I’ve not really enjoyed university this term. Too many course works, and boring lecturers and generally not finding the subject material all that exciting. Only two of my modules really interest me- the rest is dull, hard/confusing and just not that interesting. Perhaps when I study it then it will all just click and be OK. I hope. Its hard to motivate yourself when you’re just not interested. I’ve done a lot of electronics this term, and I am not sure how I feel about the electronic side of my degree. At times it interest me, at others it…really doesn’t. I find that I still remain more interested in the electrical stuff- big power electronics, energy generation, and renewables. I don’t know if this will change.

I also still had Japanese classes on Mondays and I didn’t study nearly enough for that either. I had my Japanese exam yesterday evening and it was really bad. We were allowed to take our kana charts in but I stupidly forgot mine which really impacted my exam. I could have done so much better on it if I only had that chart. :( I also had my speaking test the week before and I really stumbled over that one too. So bad. I really hope I manage to scrape a pass- I don’t want the money I spent on the classes to be a waste, and I want the certificate saying I’ve completed level 1 to add to my CV in the future.

I really need to get my act together. I have a months break starting now and I need to start putting in the work. I need to revise for my exams, and I also want to continue working on Japanese so I don’t forget what I have learnt in class. Its time for me to self study Japanese so I can continue to advance and learn. I don’t want to give up on it again! Apart from that I am looking forward to doing copious amounts of baking (I have missed going into the kitchen when I am stressed), going to see phantom of the opera in Manchester, and going shopping in Liverpool. The latter is something that isn’t confirmed but is something I really wish to do. Not only do I own no nice summer clothes, but I also miss Liverpool. Just a little? It was a large part of my life for a year, after all.

Anyway, I think I need to start packing now.  My dad won’t be pleased if he comes here to pick me up and I’ve not started!

But if I can cope with all the sadness I think I can become a little stronger.I have climbed many walls, so I don’t want to lose anymore.(x)

Tonight I booked my train tickets to go home next week. I’m looking forward to it a ridiculous amount. I’m so bogged down with work right now that a little break would be nice. Well, I’ll probably be lugging my laptop back so I can work at home so I guess its more being able to work in my own room, and fending off my cat trying to sit on my textbooks. Things like that. It really does feel like its been ages since I’ve been home. This semester has been so hectic that time just seems to have slipped by without even noticing. Yet ,I feel like I’ve not done much at all. I’m so busy with lectures and labs and course works (aka lab report after lab report after lab report) that I haven’t even had time, no, more like motivation or energy, to do any revision yet. This is worrying.

I got my marks for semester 1 back recently. Well, most of them. Still waiting for one of them. For the most part they are, not going to lie, really good and I am honestly shocked that I managed to pull it off. I even managed to pass communications and computer engineering. Sadly got my lowest mark thus far on Circuits and Fields, although the paper was really awful so I’m glad just to have passed. I was happy when I got my marks, then the worry settled in and it hasn’t quite left- having good marks for the first semester puts a lot of pressure on me now to continue to maintain these standards. And as for circuits and fields, I am on the fields part of the module and if I don’t do well on that I’m screwed.

There are certain things I want, things I can’t say because I’m so scared of jinxing it, that really depend on me getting good marks. I thought I’d failed my first semester but I haven’t and now I’ve started to hope and allow myself to dream of achieving these things and its honestly a little scary. Because you know, no revision being done. Still a major chance of my fucking everything up if I mess up this semester. Also: I have grown to realize that failing my A levels has made me really scared of failure. Which is good because it gives me MOTIVATION and DETERMINATION and all those lovely words but at the same time it gets tiring to be putting myself under this much pressure. It’s like there’s a part of myself constantly going have to do more, this isn’t enough, have to do more, still not good enough, will never be good enough, how dare you relax when there are THINGS to DO.  Perhaps this university business has finally started to do things to my sanity.

I wouldn’t say I’m stressed. But I am busy. I wish I could blog more, and I could write more interesting entries, but I find that university saps at my motivation to blog. I’m churning out so much coursework right now that a) I don’t want to write any more and b) I am very much in “technical report” standard when it comes to writing. It makes me a bit idk- annoyed? sad? worried? – to think about how much my degree takes from me. And yet still it never feels like enough, no matter what I do. And when I don’t do anything I feel guilty about it as if I’m not allowed a little bit of time to myself. I don’t know when I became this way.

I wanna go home. :( Probably going to start counting down the days soon!

frozen over lake
Layered up and ventured out today for a long walk around campus taking many, many pictures of the snow. There is something about fresh, (mostly) untouched snow. Plus the lake was frozen over, which made for some interesting photographs (the cute birds helped too, of course.) Afterwards I met up with my friend and went back to hers for pizza and a movie. Just very chill. Today has been very relaxing. I’ve really done no work at all today, or this past week really. I’m fairly sure this coming week I’m actually going to have to start working. :/ (Also, I am not looking forward to battling the sludge and ice everyday. Snow is only great for the first few hours, then it’s just annoying. I’m actually going to have to wake up on time and leave early tomorrow so I am not late D: )