I am tired of waiting for disaster.

So I have now been home for just over a week. My dad picked me up as usual and somehow managed to get everything into the car once again, even though I seem to have more stuff each time. Like always, it was altogether very tiring. Packing takes a lot of time, and then there is the trying to get it all into the car so there’s still space for two people, and finally after all that there’s still the long drive back in the dark. We stopped at ASDA on the way home, and seeing so I had my duvet on my lap, I stretched out across the front seats as best I could, covered myself in my duvet, and promptly fell asleep. My dad came back, tapped on the window, and freaked me out quite a lot. :| Once home I couldn’t even go to sleep as my parents friends were coming over- so I ended up staying up until 2am, sorting out my stuff, then taking a long, very hot, shower before finally going to bed.  Over the weekend my parent’s friends came to visit, which was annoying, as I really wanted a weekend to myself and the whole staying up until 2am so the house was ready for them thing. Then again, I decided to be a rude bitch and slept through most of the weekend anyway, and spent a lot of time in my room even when not asleep. I was just so tired out from uni. It was good to be home though.

Since then I have…not done very much. I have slipped into the usual routine of the holidays- sleeping in very late, spending a lot of time doing not a lot. Its comfortable being at home, although after a week now its perhaps sometimes annoying seeing so I now have my parents around me again and therefore not as much privacy as coming home to my own room, locking the door, and being able to be well and truly by myself. The rules are different at home; they aren’t my own. I’ve also tried to do some revision, but it’s difficult to concentrate and it’s hard. I’ve complained enough about my degree though so I’ll spare you any of the usual.

I have been out once- I went into Manchester with my sister on Saturday. She took me to a Japanese restaurant in China Town which had freakishly friendly service (I’m awkward and I don’t know how to deal with strangers being so nice :/) and rather good food. I had ramen for the first time! It tasted like Ramyun? I would have thought there would be some difference? I had Ramyun before and it was unbearably spicy. This Ramen was thankfully not as spicy, but still way too much. But it was good! Next time I’ll go for the udon or the curry though :x After that we had an hour to kill, which we did, and we ended up getting lost on our way to go see Phantom of the Opera next. We got there a few minutes late but thankfully we were let in and didn’t miss much. The show was amazing. Just flew by, despite my sisters earlier complaints that it would be too long. It wasn’t. In fact, the ending was a little abrupt. I turned to my sister and was like “That’s it?!”. :/ The “limited leg room” advertised with our seats was very true though. So cramped, I could just about fit but not entirely comfortably. And what is with people talking and rustling sweet wrappers throughout the show? Why pay £20+ to see a show when you aren’t even going to watch it, and disturb every one around you?! ¬_¬ Afterwards shopped a little, ate doughnuts and then went home. It was a good day all in all.

Now? I don’t really have any plans for the next few weeks apart from lazing around the house. So exciting. :|

This entry is a little blah. But that’s my mood right now- listless, bored, and unmotivated. Still not in a good place but I’m trying, I’m trying just keep going. Everything is going to be OK. Everything will be OK. If I keep telling myself that it will be all right, yeah?

This is so unusual

I haven’t been posting much lately, have I? I admit sometimes I find it difficult to blog. I’ll have so much to say but somehow I can’t quite put it into words. And I’ll admit there’s not much happening at the moment. I am almost finished with my foundation year. I’m not entirely sure what happened to all that time but there you go. Just got three exams and one assignment to go. Fingers crossed I do well. Not that I’m spending nearly enough time revising, yet. (I want to add a hopeful ‘yet’ to that statement. I will revise, eventually…) At the moment I’m spending the majority of my time lazing around marathoning every Japanese detective drama I can find (I seem to have become addictive to detective/mystery/crime type dramas. It’s becoming a rather serious problem…In one week I’ve gotten through three separate dramas D: (Which are BOSS, Control and Galileo for anyone interested and all three were awesome and totally worth seeing, yes.))

I did go into university on Monday to do work and I also went into Liverpool on Tuesday to meet up with my sister and show her around. We went to the world museum and amused the staff there with our childish antics (no really, I totally caught one of the staff smiling watching as me and my sister play fought over something stupid. I think she said I wasn’t old enough to go see the planetarium show for 7 years and over and so I hit her (lightly!)…and it went from there…) Me and my sister both like going to museums, so we trailed around with genuine excitement and interest- even trying out some of the interactive displays with childish enthusiasm (but I’d like to add uni student intelligence and determinism).  It was so much fun! After that I showed her my university (Which was pretty much her: It’s just a building. me: yes, what were you expecting?) and then the library (her: it’s just… another building. me: yes. What were you expecting?) before walking down to the docks (see: Albert dock) where we somehow found ourselves at a pub sitting outside drinking ice cold drinks in the freezing winds. The weather is pretty nice right now in the UK, but still a bit temperamental and there are cold days. Tuesday was one of them. It was warm but there were strong, cold winds (especially near the mersey, for obvious reasons). Anyway. After that cold, rather foolish experience we went shopping for a bit and then parted ways. It was a very fun day. I love spending time with my sister. It’s just so easy to be around her. I was saying that to her actually. How she is one of very few people I actually speak to. Most people I struggle to even form coherent sentences around, even my own mother and father sometimes. I appreciate being able to spend a few hours feeling comfortable in my own skin.

On that note I actually met up with some of my old friends on Thursday and man, it was awful. The polar opposite of how awesome Tuesday was. They were talking about things that happened that happened in high school and high school friends and I’m sorry but am I supposed to care about all that? I didn’t have anything to talk about because I don’t care about high school, I don’t keep up with current TV or movies (I don’t have money or opportunities to go the cinema) and I don’t have much happening in my life (I’m either studying or spending hours procrastinating from studying…). I was just sitting there wishing I could teleport myself out of there. I was thankful when that was over. As horrible as it is I’ve changed, outgrown those people. Outgrown highschool and everything that happened there, all those people there. I just don’t care. I was kind of looking forward to catching up with people now but not anymore. I’d much rather be alone watching my dramas, thank you very much.

turn the lights on, turn the lights off

This weekend I went to visit my sister in Leeds as it was her birthday on Thursday. We set off late but managed to get to her house quickly. She opened her presents and thankfully she loved the Pokemon Monopoly set I’d bought her. Yes, I bought my 22 year old sister Pokemon Monopoly. Children born around the nineties- remember how in the early 2000’s those Pokemon cards were all the rage? We’d collect and swap them and play with them all the time and we’d always be trying to get the biggest collection and the best cards. My sister had a massive collection of those and she loved Pokemon a lot, though I don’t recall her ever actually watching it! Even so seeing the board she could name some of the characters and she got really excited. I also baked her 30 Romany Creams which I think she loved too. I felt proud of myself, because I usually suck at presents. There is at least one person in this world who I can buy decent things for, thankfully.

(More under the cut~)

I don’t know why but it was a bit of a shock going into university today, like that feeling you get after the holidays. Staying somewhere else makes you feel a little out of it. Today turned out to be awesome though. I left ridiculously late this morning and managed to make my train with time to spare, my first lecture ended early so I could go to Primark to buy a couple of things, my second lecture started late and finished early so I could get an early train home. And my tutorial tomorrow is cancelled so technically I don’t have to go into university, although I will go in the afternoon to do maths in the library. This week should be awesome, seeing so I have no deadlines and barely any set classes. :D

Tai Wan Mei

My sister came home over the weekend. She came home on Saturday. Well, me and my dad went and picked her up from the station. She was tired and ratty and not altogether in a good mood. She was in such a bad mood that it was actually kind of amusing. We got home and she had things to do so we didn’t get to spend time together until Sunday. Woke up very early yesterday to catch the last, and early, showing of Tangled at the cinema. A 10.50 in the morning showing. There were a lot of kids there. A lot. We were probably the only 18 year old and 22 year old there. Oh well. I’ve been wanting to see tangled for ages and it didn’t let down! It was cheesy, ridiculous, over the top and utterly brilliant. Loved it. It was very beautiful (the scene with the lanterns *_*) and quite hilarious in parts (Flynn rider in general was kinda amusing as a character). After the cinema we went shopping and I somehow ended up with nearly £30 worth of tops. I reassure myself that they are all part of the basic wardrobe- simple cotton t-shirts and long shirts for layering or just to wear on its own. OK, so I didn’t really need them all and I am feeling extremely guilty at how easy I am being with my money. More and more I realise that it is nothing new though. I keep vowing to stop buying and I never do D: I do however find that I give in far easier around my sister. She has a habit of complaining about “why I’m not buying anything” which makes me feel like a spoil sport. That is why I like shopping alone- there’s no one to tell me to buy things just because.

Anyway. It was fun. I like being round my sister and it was so much easier than all the awkward social interactions at university. Later on Sunday I went with my dad to drop my sister off at Manchester Airport station so she could get the train home. We dropped her off and went to park the car, then found ourselves running all the way from Terminal 1 through the above-ground tunnels to the station to catch her before she left. I hate those tunnels. They seem to go on and on and on forever, never changing, and I have found myself sprinting down them too often. I am so hopelessly unfit. I felt like death as I struggled to keep running and not slow down. My stomach hurt, my legs ached and I was gasping for breath… I felt a little embarrassed that my dad didn’t struggle at all. My sister took one look at me and the state I was in and laughed. Clearly running for the train every day does not count as proper exercise (though that too makes me want to die. have you seen all the steps at lime street? THERE ARE MANY.) But I got to pull funny faces and make heart signs at my sister as we watched each other through the window of the train, waiting for it to depart, then wave her goodbye as the train left the station.

Actually whilst I was out shopping and running around airports I was supposed to be revising for my tests today. They were tiny multiple choice tests worth 10% with all formulas given and a revision lecture on each beforehand but I knew, I knew they would be horrible. Indeed, I found myself quite ARGGH about the whole thing. I will admit to giving up by the time I got to my second test, fuzzing the last 3 questions so I could get the 16.34 train and get home in time for supper. Yeah, I just didn’t care anymore. I hope I did OK, just OK. (and that 16.34 train? ended up being delayed so I missed my second train, had to get a later one and only got home at 6:10pm. That is kamma for you, isn’t it?)

This week I have more boring university and then on the weekend I am seeing my sister again.

The day I panicked

Had my last exam on Tuesday. Physics. It wasn’t amazing. The paper was really difficult :x There was this one stupid question too which asked us to explain a line from a Katie Melua song. WTF physics, stop trying to be cool. Anyway, it was just really hard and sneaky. I felt like there was something I wasn’t quite getting and I lost a load of marks simply not being able to answer questions because I had no idea what they were asking. And by the end I was just writing whatever came to mind, rambling like a crazy idiot. Meh. I lost any will to do well after how horrible maths went. :| It was also kind of awkward afterwards because as I was heading towards the toilets my physics teacher was there outside the science faculty office, which is located near the toilets. So I lowered my eyes and snuck past, as she was thankfully occupied. But as I came out the toilets she was there talking to a couple of other boys in my year and I got cornered. I said hi and told her it didn’t go well. She turned to the other boys and they were talking about the exam and I did not want to hear what they put (as it was likely different from what I did and they were cleverer) so I just snuck away without saying anything. Probably a little rude but I didn’t care. I was hungry and the exam sucked and I just wanted to go home and eat cake. Which I did.

Today I had my Grade 6 violin exam. 4:26pm. My dad took me at about 3:15pm because the place was really far. I was not nervous until about two hours before when suddenly I just became absolutely petrified. My dad was really sweet and  bought me some chocolate beforehand because I was nervous. ^_^ It was really hot today and being stuck in the car was not fun. It did remind me of last year when my dad took me to all the university open days. Even though going on university open days proved useless as I realised too late I couldn’t get into those universities, those long drives with my father and spending time with him was kind of nice, if not for being stuck in traffic in a hot car for hours on end. Similar situation today as it was again those kind of high temperatures. We had the windows down the whole way. We ended up arriving there early. I made my dad test me on my scales and then I rambled on about how nervous I was and past exams because I was super hyped up on anxiety. My dad was no use in calming me down.

My exam went terrible. I was too nervous. I felt slightly shaky and hot (sweaty), and my fingers weren’t doing what I wanted them to. I messed up on my pieces, really stupid little things I shouldn’t have done and then I got even more nervous and worked up from those mistakes. After playing my pieces the examiner gave me 5 minutes before moving on to scales, and it didn’t do anything to calm me. I got really shaky and I couldn’t think properly which meant everything else went wrong throughout the rest of the exam. I just couldn’t get myself to play properly because I felt so nervous and I kept dwelling on my mistakes. Basically I panicked. By the end of it I felt like crying. I was worried about forgetting my scales or not being able to tell what cadence it is- I did not prepare for the reality that nerves would be what fucked it all up.

Man, I feel so bad. This exam was so costly for my parents. And we had to travel so far to get there. And then I just messed it up. And I shouldn’t have because I practiced and I knew it. I should have done better. But I got nervous and I panicked. fml.

Afterwards I complained to my dad and made him buy me a mcflurry. We drive all the way home again and I had about five minutes to myself before I was out the house again. I ended up being stuck in the car again (and it was HOT gdi) going all the way to Manchester to take my sister to the station, and go grocery shopping afterwards. I only got home after 9:00pm and the majority of the day was spent stuck in the car, hot and tired and by the end feeling vaguely sick. 100 miles. I am so exhausted right now. Though I feel more sorry for my dad, who had to drive here there and everywhere.

Anyway. Lets end the post with optimism. I am actually pretty happy right now, the huge amount of chocolate I’ve eaten is probably to blame but life is pretty good right now. I no longer have to revise, and spend 40-60 minutes a day playing my violin. I turn 18 in 15 days which means I will finally be a legal adult (and catch up with my friends!). For my birthday I am going to Leeds and I shall go clubbing with my sister (My best friend was supposed to come too but she can’t ;__; ) who shall take me to all the good places. I will get at least tipsy for my birthday. I may end up totally wasted- and finally discovers what sort of drunk I am :D Still, I shall have alcohol. and it will be legal. And then I’M GOING TO JAPAN for 10 days. So yes. Although there is still that underlying worry and stress because don’t know how exams went, things are looking good right now.