Come on, show your happiness in a new colour

Well, exams are over now. I had my last on Thursday and it went terribly, as all the others did. I’m not surprised at this one; I’m not confident with the subject and I know I didn’t work as hard as I should have for it. I was so fed up after the first three that I could barely get myself revising. I hope I have done enough to pass it at  least. Now comes the wait for results. There’s a lot resting on these results and I can honestly say I’m terrified. I don’t know what I’ll do if I fail, so I’m trying not think about it (and in that way, its all I can think of)

After the exam I got some celebratory coffee and came back to my room and I suddenly felt so unsure of myself. When revising there are always other things to do. But when you suddenly find yourself with free time its like there’s so much to do and no pressure to do any of it due to the complete lack of time limits, that you don’t even know where to begin. Its like- what do I do now?!  I’m done with my first year of university. Already. Its weird. But despite my anxiety over exam results, I am glad this semester is finally done with. That uni is done with for another year. I’m ready to take a break, recharge a bit before having to go into second year.

I came home for the weekend last night . I am attending  the wedding reception of my sisters best friend today. It’s strange that the wedding is already happening. I remember sitting in the car with my sister and her friends when this friend announced her engagement, at that time it was still a secret, not quite set in stone. It doesn’t feel like that long ago but it really was. I really wonder what it is like for my sister to watch her best friend get married. Shame, she has had to help organise this wedding and its obvious how stressed and emotional she is. I personally am not sure what to think about going to wedding reception. I’m grateful to be invited, but this is a social event and I am not exactly social. My sister was telling me what was likely to be happening and so I told her “I’m going to have to get very drunk for this, aren’t I?” That may turn out to be true. Gosh, there’s going to be dancing. I don’t dance. For the good of other people, that is.

I bought my dress two weeks ago, and I have some high heels that make me like 6ft tall and I am not sure I can walk in, and I did my makeup nicely although I’m terribly broken out from stress and nothing can cover it and I forgot my pressed powder which is annoying.  Its rather weird dressing up like this. I didn’t even go to my school proms!  So I’m feeling unsure of myself in this way too.

I hope its going to be fun. I could do with a nice  fun evening after exams.

I need to go finish getting ready now- I’m nearly late!

I am tired of waiting for disaster.

So I have now been home for just over a week. My dad picked me up as usual and somehow managed to get everything into the car once again, even though I seem to have more stuff each time. Like always, it was altogether very tiring. Packing takes a lot of time, and then there is the trying to get it all into the car so there’s still space for two people, and finally after all that there’s still the long drive back in the dark. We stopped at ASDA on the way home, and seeing so I had my duvet on my lap, I stretched out across the front seats as best I could, covered myself in my duvet, and promptly fell asleep. My dad came back, tapped on the window, and freaked me out quite a lot. :| Once home I couldn’t even go to sleep as my parents friends were coming over- so I ended up staying up until 2am, sorting out my stuff, then taking a long, very hot, shower before finally going to bed.  Over the weekend my parent’s friends came to visit, which was annoying, as I really wanted a weekend to myself and the whole staying up until 2am so the house was ready for them thing. Then again, I decided to be a rude bitch and slept through most of the weekend anyway, and spent a lot of time in my room even when not asleep. I was just so tired out from uni. It was good to be home though.

Since then I have…not done very much. I have slipped into the usual routine of the holidays- sleeping in very late, spending a lot of time doing not a lot. Its comfortable being at home, although after a week now its perhaps sometimes annoying seeing so I now have my parents around me again and therefore not as much privacy as coming home to my own room, locking the door, and being able to be well and truly by myself. The rules are different at home; they aren’t my own. I’ve also tried to do some revision, but it’s difficult to concentrate and it’s hard. I’ve complained enough about my degree though so I’ll spare you any of the usual.

I have been out once- I went into Manchester with my sister on Saturday. She took me to a Japanese restaurant in China Town which had freakishly friendly service (I’m awkward and I don’t know how to deal with strangers being so nice :/) and rather good food. I had ramen for the first time! It tasted like Ramyun? I would have thought there would be some difference? I had Ramyun before and it was unbearably spicy. This Ramen was thankfully not as spicy, but still way too much. But it was good! Next time I’ll go for the udon or the curry though :x After that we had an hour to kill, which we did, and we ended up getting lost on our way to go see Phantom of the Opera next. We got there a few minutes late but thankfully we were let in and didn’t miss much. The show was amazing. Just flew by, despite my sisters earlier complaints that it would be too long. It wasn’t. In fact, the ending was a little abrupt. I turned to my sister and was like “That’s it?!”. :/ The “limited leg room” advertised with our seats was very true though. So cramped, I could just about fit but not entirely comfortably. And what is with people talking and rustling sweet wrappers throughout the show? Why pay £20+ to see a show when you aren’t even going to watch it, and disturb every one around you?! ¬_¬ Afterwards shopped a little, ate doughnuts and then went home. It was a good day all in all.

Now? I don’t really have any plans for the next few weeks apart from lazing around the house. So exciting. :|

This entry is a little blah. But that’s my mood right now- listless, bored, and unmotivated. Still not in a good place but I’m trying, I’m trying just keep going. Everything is going to be OK. Everything will be OK. If I keep telling myself that it will be all right, yeah?

This is so unusual

I haven’t been posting much lately, have I? I admit sometimes I find it difficult to blog. I’ll have so much to say but somehow I can’t quite put it into words. And I’ll admit there’s not much happening at the moment. I am almost finished with my foundation year. I’m not entirely sure what happened to all that time but there you go. Just got three exams and one assignment to go. Fingers crossed I do well. Not that I’m spending nearly enough time revising, yet. (I want to add a hopeful ‘yet’ to that statement. I will revise, eventually…) At the moment I’m spending the majority of my time lazing around marathoning every Japanese detective drama I can find (I seem to have become addictive to detective/mystery/crime type dramas. It’s becoming a rather serious problem…In one week I’ve gotten through three separate dramas D: (Which are BOSS, Control and Galileo for anyone interested and all three were awesome and totally worth seeing, yes.))

I did go into university on Monday to do work and I also went into Liverpool on Tuesday to meet up with my sister and show her around. We went to the world museum and amused the staff there with our childish antics (no really, I totally caught one of the staff smiling watching as me and my sister play fought over something stupid. I think she said I wasn’t old enough to go see the planetarium show for 7 years and over and so I hit her (lightly!)…and it went from there…) Me and my sister both like going to museums, so we trailed around with genuine excitement and interest- even trying out some of the interactive displays with childish enthusiasm (but I’d like to add uni student intelligence and determinism).  It was so much fun! After that I showed her my university (Which was pretty much her: It’s just a building. me: yes, what were you expecting?) and then the library (her: it’s just… another building. me: yes. What were you expecting?) before walking down to the docks (see: Albert dock) where we somehow found ourselves at a pub sitting outside drinking ice cold drinks in the freezing winds. The weather is pretty nice right now in the UK, but still a bit temperamental and there are cold days. Tuesday was one of them. It was warm but there were strong, cold winds (especially near the mersey, for obvious reasons). Anyway. After that cold, rather foolish experience we went shopping for a bit and then parted ways. It was a very fun day. I love spending time with my sister. It’s just so easy to be around her. I was saying that to her actually. How she is one of very few people I actually speak to. Most people I struggle to even form coherent sentences around, even my own mother and father sometimes. I appreciate being able to spend a few hours feeling comfortable in my own skin.

On that note I actually met up with some of my old friends on Thursday and man, it was awful. The polar opposite of how awesome Tuesday was. They were talking about things that happened that happened in high school and high school friends and I’m sorry but am I supposed to care about all that? I didn’t have anything to talk about because I don’t care about high school, I don’t keep up with current TV or movies (I don’t have money or opportunities to go the cinema) and I don’t have much happening in my life (I’m either studying or spending hours procrastinating from studying…). I was just sitting there wishing I could teleport myself out of there. I was thankful when that was over. As horrible as it is I’ve changed, outgrown those people. Outgrown highschool and everything that happened there, all those people there. I just don’t care. I was kind of looking forward to catching up with people now but not anymore. I’d much rather be alone watching my dramas, thank you very much.

turn the lights on, turn the lights off

This weekend I went to visit my sister in Leeds as it was her birthday on Thursday. We set off late but managed to get to her house quickly. She opened her presents and thankfully she loved the Pokemon Monopoly set I’d bought her. Yes, I bought my 22 year old sister Pokemon Monopoly. Children born around the nineties- remember how in the early 2000’s those Pokemon cards were all the rage? We’d collect and swap them and play with them all the time and we’d always be trying to get the biggest collection and the best cards. My sister had a massive collection of those and she loved Pokemon a lot, though I don’t recall her ever actually watching it! Even so seeing the board she could name some of the characters and she got really excited. I also baked her 30 Romany Creams which I think she loved too. I felt proud of myself, because I usually suck at presents. There is at least one person in this world who I can buy decent things for, thankfully.

Next we headed into town. We went to the theatre to see the ballet Cleopatra. You’d think by now after being to all the theatre so many times I’d know how to dress for these things, but I regretted not dressing up just a tiny bit more. I was corrected in wearing the smartest coat I own, fine in wearing  flats, but wrong in wearing jeans instead of tights under the long pink top/mini-dress I had on. I admit I look at my sister and she is so beautiful and fashionable and confident in herself that I cannot help but feel a tiny bit jealous sometimes. The ballet itself was confusing, and I wish I’d bought the programme before seeing it and not after so I could have some clue of the story. The entire time I was sat there thinking “WHO? WHAT? WHY?”. On saying that it was visually and musically gorgeous, very modern, and also very sensual…which I wasn’t really expecting. Though, to be honest I’m not sure what I was expecting. It was good though and it didn’t drag on forever and forever. The interval was about an hour in, and my sisters boyfriend bought us ice cream to eat. We chatted and my sister tried to explain what was going on, but me and her boy friend remained confused. After it had finished, and we’d gotten through the endless amount of clapping as the dancers bowed again and again, and we’d managed to worm our way out through the crowds, I bought a programme. As we all stood outside trying to decide where to go/what to do I read through the story, wondering how the hell we were supposed to know all of it from the ballet. On saying that out of the three ballets I have seen only one that has made sense to me as I watched it :/

There were limited options for what to do then as most tourist attractions closed so we trailed through town to waste some time before dinner reservations. Like most cities Leeds is not a good place on a Saturday night, as my sister and her bf admitted. All the immature students come out to be idiots. We got to the restaurant and the place was loud and packed with people but the food was decent. We also got a free bottle of sparkling wine. It was gross and made me sleepy. I do not like alcohol, still. Desert was an uncomfortable affair as the brownie I ordered was so sickly that even my sister couldn’t eat it. And my sister can usually eat anything, any quantity. I felt over stuffed and sleepy afterwards. We went back to my sisters and my parents headed off to their hotel. My sister and I put on our pajamas and lay down on her bed to watch TV for a few hours before switching the lights off.  We lay side by side in the dark and talked idly about university and such things, both of us sleepy but unable to fall asleep.

Sunday I woke up to my sister snoring and before I could get back to sleep the alarm went off. Got ready and the parents came to pick us up and together we headed to Bradford to the National Media museum (The above pic was taken from inside the museum). We saw a film at the Imax theatre about the Tuna Run in South Africa which was spectacular, and less nauseating than the deep sea film I last saw at the IMAX in London. Afterwards we looked around the museum. My sister was over excited and hyped up in that childish way that she’ll probably never lose, because she can still act that way even at 22. She looked around at everything, played with all the hands-on things, took thousands of pictures, and dragged her boyfriend around with her the entire time. I spent a lot of time sat on benches waiting for my family to catch up with me who had already seen all she wanted to see, trying to be patient as it was after all my sisters weekend and thus it was only right to go with her schedule. I was actually quite happy quietly sitting there, was happy knowing my sister was enjoying herself.  Admitedly was a little bored but I don’t mind doing nothing and I’m fine entertaining myself whether with my thoughts or some music or just playing on my phone. My mother came and sat down next to me multiple times and she’d break the silence with inane chatter, talk for the sake of talking and I hate that. There is nothing wrong with silence, with waiting quietly and patiently. My mother is childlike in her need for constant attention and her seeming inability just to sit still and wait. I admit I hated my moms presence that day. I’d rather sit silently by myself than suffer through some of the ridiculous conversations my mother tries to start just for the sake of talking.

We ate lunch at the museum then went to ASDA to buy my sister groceries, before going back to hers. We gathered our stuff and left soon after getting back to hers and went home.

I don’t know why but it was a bit of a shock going into university today, like that feeling you get after the holidays. Staying somewhere else makes you feel a little out of it. Today turned out to be awesome though. I left ridiculously late this morning and managed to make my train with time to spare, my first lecture ended early so I could go to Primark to buy a couple of things, my second lecture started late and finished early so I could get an early train home. And my tutorial tomorrow is cancelled so technically I don’t have to go into university, although I will go in the afternoon to do maths in the library. This week should be awesome, seeing so I have no deadlines and barely any set classes. :D

Tai Wan Mei

My sister came home over the weekend. She came home on Saturday. Well, me and my dad went and picked her up from the station. She was tired and ratty and not altogether in a good mood. She was in such a bad mood that it was actually kind of amusing. We got home and she had things to do so we didn’t get to spend time together until Sunday. Woke up very early yesterday to catch the last, and early, showing of Tangled at the cinema. A 10.50 in the morning showing. There were a lot of kids there. A lot. We were probably the only 18 year old and 22 year old there. Oh well. I’ve been wanting to see tangled for ages and it didn’t let down! It was cheesy, ridiculous, over the top and utterly brilliant. Loved it. It was very beautiful (the scene with the lanterns *_*) and quite hilarious in parts (Flynn rider in general was kinda amusing as a character). After the cinema we went shopping and I somehow ended up with nearly £30 worth of tops. I reassure myself that they are all part of the basic wardrobe- simple cotton t-shirts and long shirts for layering or just to wear on its own. OK, so I didn’t really need them all and I am feeling extremely guilty at how easy I am being with my money. More and more I realise that it is nothing new though. I keep vowing to stop buying and I never do D: I do however find that I give in far easier around my sister. She has a habit of complaining about “why I’m not buying anything” which makes me feel like a spoil sport. That is why I like shopping alone- there’s no one to tell me to buy things just because.

Anyway. It was fun. I like being round my sister and it was so much easier than all the awkward social interactions at university. Later on Sunday I went with my dad to drop my sister off at Manchester Airport station so she could get the train home. We dropped her off and went to park the car, then found ourselves running all the way from Terminal 1 through the above-ground tunnels to the station to catch her before she left. I hate those tunnels. They seem to go on and on and on forever, never changing, and I have found myself sprinting down them too often. I am so hopelessly unfit. I felt like death as I struggled to keep running and not slow down. My stomach hurt, my legs ached and I was gasping for breath… I felt a little embarrassed that my dad didn’t struggle at all. My sister took one look at me and the state I was in and laughed. Clearly running for the train every day does not count as proper exercise (though that too makes me want to die. have you seen all the steps at lime street? THERE ARE MANY.) But I got to pull funny faces and make heart signs at my sister as we watched each other through the window of the train, waiting for it to depart, then wave her goodbye as the train left the station.

Actually whilst I was out shopping and running around airports I was supposed to be revising for my tests today. They were tiny multiple choice tests worth 10% with all formulas given and a revision lecture on each beforehand but I knew, I knew they would be horrible. Indeed, I found myself quite ARGGH about the whole thing. I will admit to giving up by the time I got to my second test, fuzzing the last 3 questions so I could get the 16.34 train and get home in time for supper. Yeah, I just didn’t care anymore. I hope I did OK, just OK. (and that 16.34 train? ended up being delayed so I missed my second train, had to get a later one and only got home at 6:10pm. That is kamma for you, isn’t it?)

This week I have more boring university and then on the weekend I am seeing my sister again.