university – Page 17

Goodbye Days

I thought I would keep track of my university life here but umm…that didn’t quite work out did it? These past couple of weeks have gone by in a blur.

I’m utterly exhausted at the moment. Partly from early start every day, and the long walk across campus every day (the campus that is pretty but hilly. And I always seem to be going uphill ¬_¬) A larger part because I got woken up the other night by the fire alarm going off. At 1.49am. At first I sat up, decided I was dreaming and curled up back in bed but eventually I dragged myself out, only just remembering to grab my sweater and lock my door. What followed was over an hour stood outside, half asleep, and bored, without a watch or my phone to keep track of time, and no idea what’s going on. I met up with my neighbour and we had random conversation, comparing all the things that didn’t work in our rooms (no hot water and terrible internet seems to be common). Of course the fire was in my block so by the time we were let in, my block had further wait for the smoke to filter out. Got back to bed at 3:48am. Had to wake up at 7am the next day. It was hell. Although thankfully no damage, of course. Living in halls is quite…interesting? There are certain things I hate about it, and the food is so-so to do-I-have-to-eat-this but my room is comfortable and it gets cleaned for me and the bathroom is decent (usable) and also gets cleaned for me and I get £5.10 a day to spend at any university food outlet at lunch so I think its ok. The internet sucks though: my dad is helping me buy a 3G dongle. It is that bad. Some days I can’t connect at all. And yes, it’s sad I can’t browse the web but I’m also thinking that this wouldn’t be good when I do actually have coursework to do- you know?

I don’t have any coursework right now, though slowly the work is piling up. I have completely forgotten everything from my foundation year too, which is horrible. I have a big list of things-I-need-to-go-over already and no motivation to actually do that. Can’t believe I’m already being so lazy D: Did I mention I was tired though? That’s not a good excuse is it? My schedule is not really that packed, but I have a 9am start everyday. Monday’s are the worst- with lectures from 9:00am-13:00pm and then 14:00pm-16:00pm and then Japanese class from 18:30pm-20:30pm. I like my degree, and my university, but I have some bad lecturers and well, two hours on maths is just not fun. You go into Engineering knowing its going to be hard, but its only once you’re doing it that it hits you just how difficult it is. And this is only first year. My friend is in 2nd year of the same course and her schedule is just…I don’t know how she does it. Anyway, I think so far maths is the worst, followed closely by labs, and then programming. I am still amazed I am actually learning programming. It’s interesting but so hard and I keep making stupid mistakes. Today I commented out all my code, didn’t realise and asked one of the PhD students for help- “it won’t work”. The look he gave me…it was so embarrassing.

Apart from university things I did manage to join a few clubs/societies. Freshers fair was the most petrifying thing ever, but I got free pizza, and I stumbled upon a club I didn’t think of joining before. Which would be archery. Yeah, I do archery every Wednesday. It’s a good sport for someone un-athletic, although I wouldn’t say it’s easy. But it’s something I can do, and it can be boring, but it’s something to do, and it can be kind of fun. And you know, archery. That’s cool. Also joined badminton, for which I had my first session last Friday. That was super awkward. So many people. So many people who could play badminton. I was painfully bad and I had no idea about the rules which made it all worse. It was awfully embarrassing. Oh well. It can only get better? Also joined a charity group, cos its free and pretty low commitment- you can sign up to help out with whatever you want. And of course, Japanese lessons. I am learning Japanese…again. Third times a charm? The first lesson was on Monday and I’ve forgotten how awkward and embarrassing language learning in a class can be, but it’s a language I love which makes it easier. I will do it this time: I’m spending so much on it I hope that becomes the motivation for me to finally get somewhere with it!!

Everything about this, this whole university thing, is awkward and embarrassing in so many ways. So many awkward, “did I just say that?!”, wish the ground would swallow you whole kind of moments. I have managed to meet a couple of people, I guess. I went with one guy to Tesco one night. He’s a little strange, but nice, and genuine. I went to lunch with another guy which was the most awkward thing ever. Man, I was so glad when that was over (I think he was too). And I had my first lab session yesterday and the guys I’m with are both really nice, clever without being snobby/arrogant about it…which is basically who you want in a lab partner. o/ And yes, all guys. There seemed to be a few more girls than I was expecting during Week one, but I don’t know what happened to them all cos there’s only about 10 or 13 now. :/ I’ve met people through my clubs/societies though, and its fun to meet a lot of other people who are also not into the clubbing, getting drunk thing, cos so many people in my halls seem to be (I get the pleasure of listening to people shouting “wake up! Time for lectures!” at 2am and music so loud you can feel it, cleverly played before the 11pm quiet time begins…) I don’t really speak to people in my halls usually, and I eat my meals alone, but I’m cool with that. I get on with the people in my course thus far, and I’ve started to make acquaintances in my clubs/societies. And really, I’ve grown to accept that I’m not going to be one of those people who come to uni and go out to clubs etc…and that will make it a bit of a longer process to meet people…but that’s OK. I’m doing this my own way, and it’s OK.

I wouldn’t say I’ve entirely settled in, but I’m getting the hang of this university living-away-at-home thing. I would like to think. At first I was a bit worried, about everything, about meeting people, about living in halls, but I am managing to cope. And I’m glad I came here. Despite this, I’m also glad to be going home for a couple of days this weekend. No, actually I cannot wait. I do still miss home in some ways : (

There’s so much more I could say, but this long ramble is enough for now. I’ve installed the wordpress app on my phone so hopefully I will manage to post shorter posts more frequently from now on! (Maybe…)

Listening To: T-ARA Roly Poly
mood: tired

Take the light inside you like a blessing, like a knee in the chest, holding onto it and not letting it go. Now let it go.

University internet is painfully slow. My super fast intent at home has ruined me and I hate having to actually wait for pages to load! And yes, I am writing this sat in my new room in university halls. The summer holiday passed me by completely- spent mainly lazing around watching dramas and mindlessly surfing the internet. I did venture out for a trip to IKEA with my dad, and to Liverpool to go shopping (and a little reminiscing about the time I spent there), and to Manchester to meet with my sister and do even more shopping. Apart from that, nothing much. I also took a long break from the social network side of the internet- no blogging, or twitter, nothing. It was painfully boring, sitting around doing nothing, but relaxing and I knew then I’ll miss it and I know now I miss it. This whole moving business crept up on me in a way, sitting around at home it seemed so far away but then suddenly it was today and I was sitting in car piled high with all my stuff, driving to a completely new place, to start on a new pathway.

The drive was fairly painless- no traffic at all, so it took about an hour and a half. My dad took me down and we chatted a little, but mainly sat in silence. We did have fun spotting the other cars piled high with stuff on the same route as us. Arriving at the uni I checked in and received an information pack along with my student id and room key. My room was on the first floor, and I went with my dad to check it out before starting to unload my stuff. I was surprised at how large my room was. There is so much space in this place, though who knows how long it will last (of course) My room is at the end of the first floor, so there won’t be too many people walking by which is good. However it’s right next to the bathroom which is good as short distance for me, but bad cos I can hear everyone else going in there. Oh well. My room is large with plenty of space for all my stuff and that’s enough. I helped my dad unload the car. It took about four trips, where of course my dad took everything heavy and I took everything light. Finally everything was in my room. My dad left briefly to go park the car somewhere else and I set about unpacking. My dad came back and settled down to sort out my computer and I continued to unpack and organize all my things. We took a brief break for lunch only. My sister phoned too, and I chatted with her a bit. I finished all my unpacking in about 2 or 3 hours, and then I was left to chat with my dad. It started to hit me around then, that I was going to be all alone in this big room for the next year, in this city away from home, and I only then really began to feel like I could just sit and cry and cry. My dad left at around 3. I walked him to the car and waved him off, then came back to my room to listen to some sad music and I let myself cry, just a little. It’s weird, being in this new space, not having my parents around me, not having my cat around me (I really miss my cat).

I had a talk to attend, and then I came back to my room, then fire drill (where I finally said hello to the girl living in the room opposite me, and we got hopelessly lost coming back to our rooms cos we both suck at directions). Then back to my rooms to mope some more. Then dinner of awkwardness. I had to queue up ages to get my food, only to realize I was tired and sad and didn’t particular feel like eating. I left most of it; I just couldn’t bring myself to eat. The food was OK though, a decent enough choice of things. I sat by myself, opposite some other girl who I had been standing behind in the queue and we hadn’t spoken, so I assumed we could just continue to be around each other and not actually speak. Yeah, pretty awkward. But at least I could eat dinner quietly. Anyway, after supper more moping around. Then I had another talk to attend. On the walk to that talk I actually bumped into another engineering student, who is also in my hall, who is also a girl. I was so surprised, but I think she was too, cos that’s just way too many coincidences you know? Anyway, conversation fizzled out and I sat quietly to wait for the talk to behind. Talk over I came back to my room where I am about to make something to eat, put on my pajamas and watch some FRIENDS before going to bed. Early start tomorrow, and a day packed with lectures.

I am exhausted, a little sad, very terrified, very nervous and worried and maybe a bit excited. Mostly I am a whole bunch of negative emotions rn. This is all very, very scary. It’s just all so different.

Listening To: Coffee House OST
mood: tired

“I’m waiting for a strange tremor as my heart trembles”

I’ve managed to marathon the entire three series of TRICK as well as the first special in just about a week. There is nothing like a good quirky murder mystery series to pass time. The series was odd with a lot of tacky humour and too silly to be real characters but wow, the mysteries were clever and I could never figure them out. It was actually really creepy at times. But who am I kidding- Yamada and Ueda made that series as brilliant and entertaining as it is. Their friendship/perhaps romance was what kept me watching when by the third series I was admittedly growing bored. Also: loose threads. There were far too many loose threads in that show. I have a feeling that certain things will not ever be resolved, even if I now go on to watch the movies and the remaining special. But it was enjoyable nonetheless and I will try out the movies and most likely enjoy them too. I think watching TRICK has ruined Galileo for me though, as I can now see why reviews say that Galileo was a not-as-good ripoff of the franchise. I can see how the series are similar, and how TRICK is better. Galileo is still a pretty good series though (I never found it that amazing anyway tbh, although the movie was kind of awesome)

By now, my excessive laziness and complete boredom should be manifesting into an excess of energy that should make me productive but it has yet to happen. I am currently procrastinating from dealing with my messy and unfortunately growing messier by the day room. I like the idea of giving it a thorough clean and purge before I go away but alas, I lack the will to go through with it. I need to a) find a biscuit recipe I lost amongst the mess, b) sort through my university stuff and organize it so I can reference to it next year and c) stuff ahem neatly pack everything away whilst aiming for a level of cleanliness that will also allow me to roll up my carpets before I go away, as my cat will be alone in the house (as in, I should make sure there is nothing my cat can throw up on and potentially ruin). It’s all a lot like hard work and I don’t even know where to start. I am pretty sure that even if I do get myself to start it I will end up growing bored/fed up halfway through, ending up with an even bigger mess than I started with. (Please tell me that I am not the only one who sets out to clean and ends up making more mess? No?) I do still have about 20 days until the big South African holiday. Which…actually isn’t all that much at all. AHH. Apart from the big clean I still need to go shopping for certain things and I need to do lots of washing and then I need to sort through everything and decide what to pack. I hate packing. It’s like- how am I supposed to know exactly what I need for one month? For example it could be really cold one day but then hot another, I might need formal things or I may not, not to mention all the extras- do I take one book or two, having to remember chargers for electronics etc etc. I am always left feeling like I have forgotten something/left something behind. My main problem is likely that I over think the whole thing. As for the actual holiday I am still waiting to become excited and I am not sure its happening any time soon yet as I’m just too nervous about it all. I’ve not seen my family in so long.

Also making me very nervous right now is the fact that it is nearly June which means technically I should be getting my university results back soon. I am really hoping that I get my results before I go on holiday; it would be cruel to get them afterwards. Then again it would be nice just…not to get them ever?! XD I don’t know how I am going to open that letter…I will probably get my father to open it for me. I hope I have not failed :( I don’t know what I would do if I failed :(

Other than all this I may and probably will be travelling to Berlin with my best friend for a few days in late August/early September before uni starts. Usually when I go on holiday I tend to go long distance- long haul flights back home to Cape Town usually and once to Japan. The only place I have ever been to in main Europe, despite it being so close, is Paris. I am looking forward to seeing another part of Europe. I am quite excited about it really, compared to everything else. I will admit that I partly want to go there because my favourite book is set there which I hope isn’t too wierd. Oh well. It should be lots of fun.

Listening To: Onitsuka Chihiro- Arashi ga Oka
mood: relaxed

Fool

There’s this one electrical class I have taken this semester that has really annoyed me. Put it this way: I’d enjoy it more if it was presented better. The lecturer is a nice enough guy. I remember when I went to the opening day that he was one of the lecturers who showed me around and I liked him then. However the guy cannot actually teach to save his life. He hands out notes, puts these tiny illegibly diagrams up and tells us to copy them. He launches into problems randomly, not explaining things at all (hell, I’m too busy trying to figure out wth the diagram says to even begin to try and understand his ramblings. Not to mention he has a difficult to understand accent which makes things even harder). It was hard work trying to keep up in that class. I also think he must have some kind of technophobia because I am still waiting for my coursework marks to be uploaded to my university online portal. I need to know where I am at with this class but there is no way to do so. Mostly I need to know how badly I can afford to mess up on the exam.

You see, I thought my exam was on Thursday.

It was not. It was, in fact, today.

Yes, I am nearly 19 years old and I still cannot manage my life properly. I am disorganised and forgetful and all over the place.

Full and terribly pathetic story as follows:

Come yesterday, or rather this morning at around 2am I suddenly thought to myself that I should check my exam time table. I didn’t know why and I came thisclose to not checking. Lo and behold my exam was today. I just stared at my phone in disbelief, trying to make sense of it all. I couldn’t believe it. At that moment my exam was 7.5 hours away. I had to get up in 4 hours to make my train. I began to panic. I struggled to breathe, my whole body felt weak and jittery and tears welled up in my eyes. I really couldn’t believe I would be so stupid. I struggled to fall asleep, filled with self loathing and sheer panic and anxiety. I was not prepared. For some reason I was imagining that extra day would make all the difference. Mostly I was just thrown out. How could this happen? Why didn’t I check before? I really couldn’t believe I could do this to myself. I woke up at 4.56am this morning and couldn’t really fall back asleep. At ~6am I dragged myself out of bed and got ready and headed to the station to start my journey to Liverpool with the 7:32am train. I spent my train journey(s) reading through my notes, jotting down a few things until I felt too ill to continue (travel sickness and i was originally feeling nauseous from lack of sleep). For once I was grateful for the long commute, even as I knew cramming like that would make no difference. I put my notes aside, leaned back in my seat and watched the scenery change, on the edge of despair. I arrived into Liverpool with time to spare and sat at the train station for a few minutes, still frantically reading through my notes trying to make sense of it all. I was not in a good state of mind. Can you tell how much I was overacting? These were close to my actual feelings. I get worked up about things so easily but then I was still a little in shock and a bit of confusion. I was actually wondering if the exam was today, if I had messed up again and I dreaded walking to the exam hall and finding nobody there.

They were there. It was today.

The exam itself was held in an underground hall under the metropolitan cathedral. Use your imagination a little and you’ve probably got a good idea of how strange and oppressive the exam hall was. Not to mention I used to have music exams in church halls, and anything that reminds me of my music makes me a little nervous. My hands were not steady as I wrote out my details and I couldn’t calm down. The exam turned out to be…not as bad as I expected. But not good. I made stupid errors, I was still panicking, I was exhausted and basically it was hard to think straight.

I admit I feel much better know. I am looking on the bright side. I could have missed my exam but I didn’t. I have never been so glad for a smart phone allowing me to check things late at night, never been more grateful for my intuition and never more thankful that I listened to that little voice telling me to check my schedule. In retrospect I don’t think that extra day would have made much difference in the end. I was never 100% prepared for this exam. I also dislike my mechanics lecturer but I will give him credit where it is due: at least he made the effort to teach and he teaches quite well. He goes through things clearly, step by step from the basics up with no scribbled diagrams. He even held a revision session to go through the past paper with us and he sent us another past paper with the answers (this electrical guy sent us a past paper…but with no answers. WTF). With the mechanics paper I at least had some idea of what I would be facing. Hell, the paper was almost exactly like the past paper (which made me regret not paying more attention to the past paper haha). I actually feel more confident about my mechanics for once. I didn’t know what to expect of this electrical paper regardless of the shock of suddenly finding it was a lot sooner than I thought.

After my exam I went to McDonald’s and chilled the fuck out, cleared my head with some glorious junk food. Then I went to the library and attempted to tackle the last few maths modules and realised I couldn’t do them no matter what. Oh well, I’ve done 16 out of 19. That should be enough.

There’s nothing more I can do now, really. Now its just the long, long wait until the results. I am going to be hopeful about it. As one guy reassured me before the exam- I have done reasonably well in everything else which means I should pass. I have really tried this year and overall although there were a few minor mistakes I think I have done well. I refuse to believe that one botched exam can ruin everything. (That a couple of missed maths modules will ruin everything, too.) It cannot ruin everything. Right?

Listening To: OLIVA- Into the Stars (live version)
mood: exhausted

Joy & Pain

It’s less than one week until my first exam. Just four and a bit days to go. Scared doesn’t even begin to describe my feelings. It’s always on my mind, I’m always counting down the days. A lot rests on these last two exams. I’ve worked so hard this year. Well fine, I admit most of the time I worked hard and some times I decided I’d much rather watch and episode of Galileo or BOSS but I’m only human OK? I did my best, and I did better than I have ever done before. So far my grades are good and what I need, I think. Currently I’m waiting on the results for a few course-works which is terribly frustrating as I need to know. I need to know where I’m at. I need to know what I need to get on these exams and I cannot until I know what my marks are already in my units. In short: ARGHH. Also I seem to have reached that point in revision where it freaks me out how much I just don’t get it and thus I find it very difficult to revise. It takes extreme motivation and willpower, and I’m not really a very motivated person to begin with. The more things matter the less I can bring myself to care and the more I put it off. It’s super bad but I’d rather avoid a problem until it cannot be ignored than tackle it from the beginning. (And if I can avoid it until it just goes away then all the better) I’ve almost gotten through all the tutorials, just need to do past papers and go over that which I’m still shaky on (which is a depressing amount T__T). In short: ARGHHHHH.

I’m really desperately hoping to get into first year engineering next year. Sure it scares me thinking about having to move out of home, having to make new friends, having to actually join societies and go out and do things with my life. But it scares me more not having that. I want that experience whether it will be good or bad. Being stuck at the same place I am now will do nothing for me in the long run. I realise this may not make sense but I’m scared of being too clear, of bringing myself bad luck by spelling out my exact goal and talking about how much I want it. (I wish I didn’t get my hopes up about things but I can’t seem to stop myself…)

I really just want things to be certain but nothing is certain and I’m nervous for/of the future.

(In short: this entire blog post could be summarised as “ARRRGHHHHHH D: D: D:”)

Listening To: DJ DOC- Joy & Pain
mood: worried

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