Honest Lies – Page 25 – "Okay, so I'm the dragon. Big deal. You still get to be the hero."

Welcome! Honest Lies is the personal site of a 26 year old graduate electrical engineer living in the UK. Covering every day life, books and various other randomness. Read more about me and the site here.

“You never thought things would turn out like this, did you”

➔ My sister came down to visit me last Friday so we could go to the S Club 7 reunion concert. I know, how cool are we. ;) She drove down in the afternoon and then we took the bus into town – a long journey – followed by a long walk where I was amazed to discover a whole part of the city I’d never been to. My sister thankfully found this amusing. We made it to the venue OK – after a little lost detour- and there were tonnes of people there. Mostly female. Thankfully my sister held my hand and allowed me to follow her around like her child; I did not like the crowds. It made me feel anxious. Thankfully we had seats so we had our ‘space’. The opening act was OK, but the atmosphere changed remarkably once S Club 7 were announced. The stadium, that had been a little empty and with people coming in and out, was suddenly packed. Everyone stood up, everyone had their cameras out. The excitement was tangible.

It was an amazing show. I was nervous after watching the children in need performance, but they must have been training hard afterwards as they looked and sounded amazing. My sister and I joked about how unfair it is that they still all look so good. They performed all their hits and everyone was jumping around and singing… I was too young to be a really die hard fan, but it was cute seeing all these near 30 somethings jumping around and singing along perfectly. It was cute to see my sister like that. She, like most there, knew all the words. Some people even knew all the dance moves. It was really fun, and a much needed break from work. Afterwards, a long bus ride back and straight to bed. We slept in the next day, and although we had rough plans to go out and do something we just walked to the local town center and did a bit of shopping, before going to a pub for a meal and parting ways. It was a great weekend.

➔ I had my first exam on Monday, and my second exam yesterday. The first one went OK, with some good questions and some truly baffling ones. Nothing could have prepared me for how terribly the second went. Firstly, it was in a really weird location. The exam was at 4:30pm but I had to be on campus for 15:45 to catch the bus to the location: which meant I had a good 15 minutes surrounded by students buzzing with nerves, talking about exams and revision, and then a further 20 minutes hanging around at the exam hall. I really hate coming too early to exams; it does nothing for my anxiety to be surrounded by the energy of other students, to have to listen to them fretting, to see their revision notes etc. when I’ve got my own mind and its criticism to deal with. There was no other bus to take though. Then the exam started and the paper was terrible and it was one of those exams where all the questions are compulsory, and if you don’t get the answer to A then there’s follow up questions right to F that you cannot answer either. I wanted to cry. Then after the exam, the same bus, still sardine-d in by students, wanting to cry, wanting to flee. Walking home, listening to sad songs. I arrived home and immediately phoned my dad to complain, but he was busy and did not really want to talk. I have my third exam on the 4th of June and it’s the one I’m least prepared for. I’ve only done a tiny bit of revision for it thus far. I am filled with despair. If these two exams which I was prepared for did not go well then…I don’t feel at all motivated. I couldn’t bring myself to do anything useful today.

➔ My grandfather passed away suddenly last week, on Wednesday. I do not know how to deal with it. Much like when my grandmother died, it is happening in South Africa, so it feels so distant from me. So it doesn’t feel real. I am not sure I’ll be able to go back to South Africa now. It feels like the tenuous connection I had to it is fracturing, and now if I go back I’ll have to also deal with the fact that the family members I was closest to…aren’t there. I am terribly worried about my father and my grandmother.

➔ I decided to speak out about my concerns regarding me thesis. I did not feel like my supervisor had supported me enough and wanted this to be taken into consideration in marking. I saw my tutor last Monday about it, and embarrassed myself terribly by crying and sniffling through the entire meeting. Then I saw my supervisor, and the head of year. And basically the outcome is: it’s my fault. As expected, it’s my fault. They did say they will be extra careful about the marking, but I got the distinct impression that they were taking my supervisors side. And this was why I left it to the last minute, why I didn’t say anything earlier, this was why I didn’t want to speak up at all. I knew that my supervisor would win. The teacher is always right, it is always the student who is too stupid to understand, right? I am so, so worried about this. My entire degree rests on this. I desperately need a 2:1 to get my job, and it feels like there is no point to anything anymore, because my thesis….

➔ The more I think of my job, the more I want it. My mother told me not to worry so much, if one door closed (i.e. the job did not work out) another would open. “But I want that door,” I told her “that’s my door” I told her, on the verge of crying. I have come a long way to get where I am and I cannot let anything happen now that door is in sight. It is everything I want. I pray for it not to be taken from me. I didn’t want my supervisor to take it from me, so I spoke up, even though I was terrified of doing so, and it did not really make a difference. And it makes me feel so helpless and so sad.

➔ I’m not writing this entry very well. I can’t think straight. As typical of this time of year (exam and coursework deadline season) I am anxious. I feel sleepy and sad. My grandfather dying has increased these feelings. I want to go home to Cape Town so much, but I don’t want to at the same time. I feel conflicted about it.

➔ I want to be comforted, to escape, but I know no matter what I cannot escape from my own mind.

➔ On the plus side, one exam left, a couple of project presentations and then I’m FREE. I mean DONE with university. Then it’s just the long, anxious wait to results and hopefully I’ll be able to get my 2:1 and my job. Fingers crossed.

➔ My driving test is booked for July 15th. Also fingers crossed.

Post Title: Mflo ft Yoshika - Let go

Meanwhile

molly3 dunham_8583 dunham_8537 dunham_2599

Breakfast, Dinner, Tea and Supper.(Click for larger)

“Dearest – Thanks. I love you, my own beautiful darling. Long be with you always. Thou art mine and I am thy faithful devoted lover till death and beyond” (click for super larger)
dunham_05

I went home last weekend! I feel like every entry is starting this way. The truth is I have been spending a lot of time at home because I have needed to. I’m depressed right now. There, I came right out with it. I’m not clinically depressed, but I’m feeling really low right now. My disordered eating is bad, my anxiety is bad, and I cry a lot and struggle to get out of bed in the mornings. There is not so much to write about there. Deadlines are piling up and no matter what I do, I never seem to get close to completing anything. It’s making me feel very overwhelmed and anxious.

This is why I’ve been going home so much, of course. I didn’t admit it to myself until recently – but I need help right now. I need people around to make sure I’m eating properly and doing my work. I need looking after. I need my cat. (Please don’t judge me for that one.) And it has been working for me; I had fun during previous trips home, and on my latest two trips back I also had a great time. I managed to get lots of work done, whilst also being able to relax and get out the house a few times to take my mind off things. My cat also stuck to me like glue, and is there anything to make coursework more palatable than a warm, purring cat sleeping on your lap? (Well, apart from her little claws digging into my thighs.)

The previous weekend it was just my sister and I, which was a lot of fun. With my sister breathing down my neck, I got a lot of work done. Whilst also being able to spend time with her, spend a lazy Easter Sunday in Costa with my best friend, and give my cat lots of cuddles.

Last weekend, I was mostly with my mom and dad. I mostly stayed at home and ploughed through some work, but we did go out as a family (minus my sister) on Sunday to a local stately home and gardens to have a wander around there. It was a beautiful sunny day, and the place was already very busy despite getting there early. We decided to head into the mansion first, in order to try and avoid the crowds that would surely come later. Besides, it had been years since we’d been to this place and it had recently been renovated, so we decided to have a thorough look around.

The mansion was partly set up as a war time hospital and we first had a look at those rooms. It was really interesting reading about the early medicine, which was actually a lot more advanced than I realised, and they also had some old newspapers on display which fascinated me, especially the personals as shown above. Life without cell phones, right? I love the woman looking for the person she met on the train, and the love notes are also beautiful. They did however have a bunch of actors wandering around the hospital in character as people from the time which was super creepy. You can see an injured soldier up there browsing through some papers… The rest of the mansion is set up as it would have been lived in, which was also interesting. I fell hard for the library especially, and spent some time enthusiastically talking to the guide in that area. Apparently, books were sent to the house unbound, and if accepted were sent away to be bound with the house’s personal crest on the spine. They also have some very old books, with one dating right back to 1539 although I was disappointed to learn that was not on display. Either way, working in a bookstore has definitely turned my love of books into a sickness.

After the house we went to the cafe for a hearty lunch at the ever wonderful National Trust Cafe’s – I had a delicious vegan spicy bean soup. Then we went to look at the gardens. I had been dying to see the bluebell wood, which always reminds me of I Capure the Castle, but unfortunately we came at an awkward time as the things we wanted to flower were either finished (my bluebells :( ) or yet to bloom (the lovely new rose garden). It was still very pretty. I was taken with the Chinese Red Birch and there were some beautiful tulips, cherry blossoms and magnolia trees in full bloom.

I also liked having my parents to myself, selfish, but whatever. As the younger, quieter sibling it is nice to have their attention without having to fight for it. We had a braii later and again, it was nice and relaxed and pleasant to be at home, with my family and my cat. Monday passed quietly with more work, and then Tuesday much the same, except that evening I went to Paint Nite with my sister. Paint Nite works like thus: you get given paints, a blank canvas and loose, casual instructions as to how to paint a certain picture and then you can do what the hell you like. There is a bar close by, and drinking is encouraged (although neither my sister and I wanted to.) My painting is shown above – I’m pleased with it but the lack of planning shows, I wish my background was stronger and that my cherry blossoms had a logical shape! Either way it was great fun, very casual, not competitive, and I’m planning to go with my sister again sometime. It was great to have a night off and to truly forget about university for a few hours. And to be honest, I had not painted since high school and I had forgotten how much fun it was. My dad drove me home after that, and thats where I’ve been since. This week has been bad, because once I don’t have my parents around to watch me I slip easily back into bad habits.

Apart from that, nothing much. Nothing much at all. Still learning to drive, with my test coming up in June. Still working at the book store and mostly enjoying it. But most of all I’m just trying to get through these last few weeks of university, and mostly failing, but at least it will soon be over. I pray for it to be over.

“The reason that the rich were so rich, Vimes reasoned, was because they managed to spend less money.

Take boots, for example. He earned thirty-eight dollars a month plus allowances. A really good pair of leather boots cost fifty dollars. But an affordable pair of boots, which were sort of OK for a season or two and then leaked like hell when the cardboard gave out, cost about ten dollars. Those were the kind of boots Vimes always bought, and wore until the soles were so thin that he could tell where he was in Ankh-Morpork on a foggy night by the feel of the cobbles.

But the thing was that good boots lasted for years and years. A man who could afford fifty dollars had a pair of boots that’d still be keeping his feet dry in ten years’ time, while the poor man who could only afford cheap boots would have spent a hundred dollars on boots in the same time and would still have wet feet.

This was the Captain Samuel Vimes ‘Boots’ theory of socioeconomic unfairness.”

– Men At Arms, Terry Pratchett (Discworld #15, City Watch #2)

I have been having great fun lately getting into the Discworld. I picked a few at random, then realised there were mini-series in the larger series, and have started properly on the watch sequence. I am sure that Lord Vetinari and Vimes are now two of my favourite characters ever – I don’t think you can separate them, they are rather a team aren’t they? I am also very taken by the unromantic romance between lady Sybil and Vimes – rather than big gestures and grand declarations, it’s a relationship based on mutual respect, understanding and enjoying each other’s company. Which is my favourite sort. I have gotten through the first two and am now itching at the bit for my next audible credit to come through so I can read more. I love how intelligent and wry these books are.

Audio notes: I was taken by Stephen Briggs take on Terry Pratchett in The Fifth Elephant and The Monstrous Regiment and am not quite as taken by Nigel Planers readings – his accents can sound rather odd, and can age or de-age characters in a very strange way, and his rendition of woman in particular can be very off. His take on Angua is shocking in men at arms – it improved in the second half but at first I really wondered who thought it was a good idea to make her sound so stupid. Nonetheless, Terry Pratchett being read out loud is vastly entertaining, and I do like some aspects of Planer’s narration. At least it’s the same narrator so it’s consistent too.

THE FINAL

Aomori
I had my Japanese Level 3 exam tonight. I was running a little late and I had not done nearly enough revision, nor nearly enough work during the semester, and so unsurprisingly it did not go that well. It was a decent paper too; I just struggled with the Kanji and the last essay I had no idea what to write so I just regurgitated as much as I could from my presentation on Monday even if it was not entirely related to the question. Oh yes, Monday evening I talked for 10 minutes in Japanese in front of actual people. It was terrifying. I had done my best to prepare – but I had a coursework due last Friday that took up all last week, so I really only had the weekend to prepare. I did my best to prepare, and of course ate a load of chocolate, cake, drank coke and sugary juice beforehand to get me all hyped up. The presentation actually went OK, I followed my script and did my best not to look anyone in the eye whilst still not staring at my script, it just fell apart afterwards when the teacher was asking me questions. Today I could answer her questions in Japanese, after mulling over them for some time and checking the dictionary. Put on the spot like that my mind went blank. The iffy presentation with the iffy writing test makes me nervous. I know it has no effect on my degree, but I want the certificate saying I did this thing. I enjoyed my Japanese classes – the people were so nice, the lessons interesting, informative not only on the language, but on the culture. We even got to play Japanese games and on Monday, we sat and did origimi. It was a unique, fun experience but I also want a record of it.

I do wonder what’s going to happen with my Japanese studies now. Studying Japanese is my hobby, of a sorts, but it’s a different hobby from, say, passing out in front of the computer or reading. There’s a certain amount of commitment and effort needed for it. I already struggled this semester to balance it out with my coursework, would I realistically want to balance it out with a 40 hour work week? And the question that has been hovering over me for all this time, and that I have been trying to ignore, what is the point of me learning? I don’t like to put effort into things without knowing there is some end goal. I still love Japan and Japanese, and want to go to Japan again, but is it worth carrying on learning Japanese for this? When speaking English in Japan has proved perfectly fine both times I’ve been, not to mention I’m not sure if or when I will go back. Is it worth it continuing it to try and understand the dramas and music I now watch and listen to less and less? My passion for Japan and Japanese has not died, but my academic life and soon to be career is demanding all my attention. Where does Japanese fit in?

It just feels so sad. Spending all this money, putting in some time (I won’t claim to be completely hard working), investing myself in this for so long. It’s like my other now useless skills – playing the violin and classical singing. I spent years learning music theory, practicing (probably not enough) and again, investing myself in that thing. Only to end up letting it go, unable to look at without feeling loss and regret of what I cannot have (talent, confidence, a career in it.) Even now I cannot listen to an orchestral piece without feeling regret and longing. How I long to play my violin, to learn the piano like I’ve always wanted to. To understand music theory again. To be able to sing. My voice sounds so weak these days. I miss my fun singing lessons too, where I also learned about how to be confident, about correct posture and pronunciation, and how to pretend I can speak different languages. I miss both my music teachers. I loved it so much. I hated it too – it was such hard work and I had no knack for it. Either way, it was such a big part of my life, and I miss it, but I cannot see a way to work it back in my life, nor can I really afford to in the literal sense. Not to mention once you stop, how do you start again? When you’ve already forgotten everything. It makes me sad to think that this is what Japanase will likely become for me.

I still love Japan and Japanese, but I don’t know how they fit into my life anymore.

My Japanese books will probably join my music books and violin, shoved into a forgotten corner of the house, growing dusty. The longer it goes on, the more regret, and guilt for spending all that money, grows. It seems such a waste.

She kept her mind off her situation by playing to her inner ear a piece she had learned by heart. Above the rush-hour din it was her ideal self she heard, the pianist she could never become, performing faultlessly Bach’s second partita.

– The Children Act, Ian McEwan

I read First Love, Last Rites and was taken aback by how crude and vulgar it was, and yet how oddly captivating. I wasn’t impressed at feeling compelled to read about such disgusting topics as it contained. It made me weary of reading anything more by the author, I feared what I would end up reading, and yet the summary of The Children Act drew me in. Just what would happen between this judge and the boy whose life she was ruling over?

In the end, the book was not as explicit as first loves, thankfully, but a rather dreary look at a marriage in trouble, set alongside the work of a judge, and how a certain case and the child involved would affect the judge’s life and marriage. The book felt short and a bit languid.

It felt like I’d been given a snapshot into the life of Judge Fiona Maye- incomplete and without a true beginning or end. I found the book interesting and the details of the law and the cases particularly fascinating, but the book was overly descriptive, I had to use the dictionary feature on the kindle too much, and I was often lost, not in the good way. I was never really on the edge of my seat wanting to know what happens. I read the book leisurely, picking it up and putting it down, over a long period of time. It was a melancholy book, that left me feeling saddened at the way it ended but also dissatisfied- it felt like it ended at the point where it seemed that it would really begin. It felt like I had read a long, very descriptive introduction and just as the action began…it stopped and cut me off. I feel disappointed although I still can’t hate the book. I have a feeling I’ll be mulling over it for a time; I could definitely see the themes and messages the author was trying to get across, and I find myself mulling over those.

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