This picture was taken on my way home from the local shops. I walk through a park over which there are always spectacular sky views and sun set views. I stood and watched the sky for a long time, thinking about how familiar my area is. How settled I feel. How familiar everything is, really, and how soon I’m going to have to give it all up. Leave my current life and patterns behind, pack up and leave to start a completely different life in a new city.
I’ve started packing , just a little. The little stuff that doesn’t make much of a difference- its when the furniture goes that it will really sink in I think.
Today I went to the university library and my card was rejected. For so many years that library has almost been a second home. In first year I’d go there almost every night to escape the noise of halls. In third and final years it would still be my preferred place to study. I liked to get a seat by the window, looking out at the pretty campus grounds, the outline of the city in the distance. Today was probably the last time I’ll go there.
I have my last driving lesson with my current instructor next week. Unfortunately my test has had to be pushed back so I’m not done with learning to drive yet, except I am with this instructor and this city. I dislike driving in the latter, but I like the former. She has shown incredible patience and understanding in regards to my anxiety and nervousness about driving. We have talked about so many things. I have even cried in front of her. I trust her and don’t want a new instructor. I feel angry at myself for not being ready for the test in time and for having to have it pushed back.
On the 27th July I have my last Japanese lesson with my current teacher and class mates. I often found Japanese stress full, trying to fit it in with my uni work. But my teacher is lovely and my class mates are nice too. Japanese is often fun. We learn the language but our teacher, as a Japanese, often talks about her culture and Japan. I am hoping to continue studying Japanese, and I am hoping lessons will be just as good as these, but I will miss these. I have spent a lot of time with these people – in the class room, at our annual term end dinners. It feels so sad to have to part.
I will have my last appointment with my doctor soon. I would have never have had the courage to speak out about my worsening mental health if not for this doctor. I trust him completely. Both to treat my condition properly, but also to never patronise or make me feel like I’m wasting his time. He shows amazing understanding, and is always positive, and always explains things so clearly. I can’t believe I’ll ever find a doctor so good, especially when it comes to treating mental health.
I am comfortable in my house. I know the local takeaways that I like, I know all my local shops and what to expect of them, I know my local transport links. There are a couple of cats down a nearby road who always come to greet me on the way home, who I always pet. Just another little piece of my comfortable, quiet life here that I will miss. I am so very settled and at peace in this area, in my little house. I like it here so much. I knew when I first saw this place that I wanted to live here and worked hard to get my father to agree and now I have to leave.
My university IT account will close. My library account already has. My beautiful campus, huge and green, with amazing seasonal gardens, huge trees all over the place where there are always squirrels, the ugly engineering building, the lecture rooms, computer rooms, cafes and libraries I have spent three years of my life at. Even the familiarity of logging in to a uni computer- reading the news bulletin, the desktop screen. No more.
My university email account and all those messages will go too. I’ll not be able to log into the university online learning environment to download any notes and other learning materials I want. I just know I’m going to forget to download something that I may actually need in the future.
So many big and little things that have all formed my life for so long are now no longer a part of it, or will not be very soon.
I’m not sure if its healthy but I feel like a student had become an integral part of my identity. That the way I defined myself and my life, all my habits, were all formed around this. what now? A new city, a new house, new area to become familiar with, new japanese classes, new doctor, working, learning a new commute. Everything new and unfamiliar. What will be my lifeline? How will I cope?
Even when I moved to Malaysia, it was still the same campus, still a uni enivornment and I had my best friend with me to share the experience. Now I’m setting out alone, on a journey you can really only do alone- stepping into the adult world and trying to find my place in it.
I remember when I was a teenager and I was suffering from depression. I would always be in my room, with the curtains closed, headphones on. I wouldn’t speak. I’d get angry easily if my parents tried to talk to me (too much). My room was cluttered and dusty. One day my father brought home a bouquet of flowers home for me. To cheer me up. To bring a bright little bit of nature to my stale, closed off room. I cleared a space on my shelf and put them there, so I could see them wherever I was in my room. My father continued to bring me fresh flowers every few weeks until my condition improved. I missed them. “Why don’t you buy me flowers anymore?” I would ask, whining at him. However later he would begin to ocassionally buy me flowers – for good grades on a particularly difficult set of exams, to welcome me home when I came back from Malaysia.
Exams are over! University is over! I should be anxious over results and the job but although it’s there, sitting waiting at the back of my mind, right now I’m so relieved that nothing else matters.