Honest Lies – Page 49 – "Okay, so I'm the dragon. Big deal. You still get to be the hero."

Welcome! Honest Lies is the personal site of a 26 year old graduate electrical engineer living in the UK. Covering every day life, books and various other randomness. Read more about me and the site here.

Irritated and impressed, Jonah turned to express the former, but a rueful apology already curled Reid’s lips. “Habit,” he said. “Sorry.” Vexation fading, Jonah couldn’t seem to pull away from the embarrassed light in the hazel eyes. “A useful habit.” Amber glints in the green brightened to gold, and the smile bloomed, cocksure. “Was that a word of approval?”

– Tamara Allen, The Only Gold

I think I mentioned this book a while back and well, I never did get round to reading it. In fact, I put it off to the point I completely forgot about it. Finally today I was in the laundry room waiting for my load to finish and hunting on my kindle for something to read, and this book was the only unread thing on it. So I began reading this afternoon and finished it this evening. I think perhaps I am a little disappointed after finishing? One one hand, i finished it in one day. On the other, I am feeling very bored and very lazy.

I thought the book started strongly but seemed to get a little waylaid toward the end- melodramatic, and even sappy in parts. I loved the way the author described the setting- even if I don’t know how accurate it is, I never felt these characters were modern ones placed in a vague historical setting. Jonah was a wonderful main character too. I always love seeing shy, difficult personalities given a chance to be a hero of their own story and I admire the author for the careful way she handled him, always staying true to his personality, letting him grow and change naturally as he came to terms with his loss and fell in love. The romance really was very sweet and well developed but although Reid was also likeable, I could never quite get a grip on his personality for some reason, probably due to the ending.The ending really did make me go “what? am I reading the same book?” I was not expecting it to suddenly become a mystery, and the action felt even more misplaced. The ending just left me feeling a little confused and kind of ruined the book for me.

“The dawn was breaking the bones of your heart like twigs. You had not expected this”

I wrote a long ranting blog post yesterday and I sincerely hope that you are wondering what I am talking about – as I set it to private and I really hope it stays that way. its one of those embarrassing posts that reads like i am still 15. I am enjoying Malaysia more than that post would indicate although obviously its not perfect because this is real life and nothing is perfect. Right now I am not enjoying the fact that I cannot go alone anywhere. I can walk around campus by myself but i cannot just nip into the nearby towns or kl by myself. Even grocery shopping has to be a group outing, how ridiculous is that? It is driving me crazy. I nearly said screw this and got on the train to KL today, but my friend stepped up and stopped me. I am somewhat grateful for her intervention. It would not have been my wisest decision to take the train alone. Still, i am hating this feeling of being trapped. being an obviously foreign (aka white) young women sucks in this situation. I need to go out and buy some stationery and new shoes and in the UK I could just do that- here it has to be planned beforehand and arranged so that other people can go with you- ugh.

Apart from that, there is the obvious- the HEAT. I did a rough estimate of how much i had spent on air conditioning so far and the result shocked me enough that i have banned myself from turning it on until the bill runs over to the next month, so i am sitting here quietly dying. (Just for record, It’s 28 degrees C and 74% humidity in my room as I type this…) Last year i spent time in the library to escape the noise of halls, this year i may find myself there for the free air conditioning! :P As much as I would like to say i am getting used to the heat by this point, i am really just getting used to being hot and feeling thoroughly gross because of it. (And likely looking it, I am a sweaty mess. also although my mascara and liner is fairly flood proof but my foundation melts away almost as soon as I put it on which is annoying…) i have started to tan however, in a very patchy and selective manner, but still, its happening. :D

It does rain here quite frequently- proper storms, fat rain drops falling heavily, the fresh smell in the air, lightning that lights up the whole sky and thunder that dosn’t just rumble in the distance, but crashes loudly like its right beside you. it was rather exciting the first time it happened- I went out for a walk so i could watch it. The storms also have the benefit of cooling everything down for a moment. although after the storm it becomes even more humid.

I am sort of getting used to the food although I sill crave home cooked food- fresh baking, potatoes that are not greasy fries but in the form they should always be- roasted until golden and soaked in gravy, or boiled until crumbling and made into creamy mash, or cut thickly, seasoned, and baked for hours to form cottage fries. I long for sausages and sausage meat balls and salami and pancetta. I also have a feeling after this year I am never going to want to eat another grain of rice or noodles ever again. some of the dishes I have tried have not been great and I really cannot appreciate how dodgy some of the meat is here- but I have found some dishes I like, even if i do pick out the bits I don’t. My friend remarked to me the other day that she had never realised how picky I was, which was awkward and embarrassing as I thought that I usually do a great job of hiding it. I actually thought that over the past few years I had actually done a great job expanding my tastes- – I really did think that- clearly I was wrong/delusional.

right now, I am mostly fretting about university. Last week was very relaxed, some lectures were cancelled as lecturers were away, labs hadn’t started, most of the lectures were introductory so it was ok to be late to them or to zone out during them (I overslept on Thursday and was an hour late to my lecture. I know, already. I am good job) Next week though I start my practical project work, which I do with one other person. Help. I also start programming again which i am dreading.D: I am already well into maths lectures, the only lectures which started properly reaching last week, and I am already lost. In short, I am struggling to adjust to being back at university. I should have studied properly today, but I got an hour in and I got bored. All the days before that I did nothing too. I still go to bed far too late, and even if it is true that I am struggling to fall asleep, i should still be making more of an effort to get back into university mode, instead of stubbornly clinging to holiday mode.

Also, its still awkward socially. I am in an irritable, anti social mood due to the aforementioned trapped feeling – so I think, in a way, without even realizing it, I have been attempting to sabotage the tentative friendships I made with the international students. I need to get over myself already, but usually when i reach this stage I’d be taking a fast paced walk to tesco to buy chocolate to accompany a weepy movie (at uni), or I’d be on a train into liverpool for a day out shopping (at home). just something to get me out of my room and away from my house (at home) or on campus (at uni). things I cannot do here. I need to figure out new ways because I have a feeling that by this point I am even annoying my friend who I came with. I don’t think its a good sign that I am annoying my best friend.

I have also spoken more to the guy i met on Monday and its just as awkward as it ever is. another guy randomly told me his name right at the end of lecture, so that went nowhere, and another guy started conversation with me and then the next day I was sitting right next to him and I just- totally ignored him like the awful person I am. in the end, its all my fault that I am not doing so well at the socialising stuff. but what else is new? i don’t like people and I try to be an adult and to force myself but it just- it just doesn’t work. like I can’t hide the fact I am a picky eater, I cannot hide my discomfort around people. I wish I could be more mysterious, instead of being so obviously anxious around people, so obviously flustered and embarassed (mostly by some of the things I blurt out in a desperate attempt to say something, anything). its as it ever is- i need people so i can go out and explore, so that i can have help with my work etc but I don’t need their company and conversation tires me out. I feel like such a bitch right now. more than anything, i wonder if I am really suited to studying abroad- the other people are far more social and outgoing than I am :/

Listening To: After School - Playgirlz [album]
mood: ok

Lexie Madison developed out of nothing like a Polaroid, she curled off the page and hung in the air like incense-smoke, a girl with my face and a life from a half-forgotten dream.

– Tana French, The Likeness

I do not usually read books like this, and I don’t know what drew me to this one. The premise of this book is so absurd. And yet this is a book that has kept me up until the small hours of the morning every night this week. When I first started this book I could barely even get through a single chapter and I spent weeks ignoring it, but then I picked it up again and something happened somewhere and suddenly I couldn’t put it down, I had to know more, I had to see just how it would all unravel.

When I finished it earlier today I was left feeling feeling exhausted and sad and not quite satisfied- the surreality of so much of it, too many loose ends, the rushed hea, too many bits i didn’t understand from not reading the first book- but still I loved it. The writing is beautiful and the characters are real and I was startled at how attached I became to them, by just how badly I wanted to believe in them, which only made it hurt to realize just what was going on under the beautiful exterior of the house they live in and their seemingly perfect friendship- just how broken they were. There were parts of this book that felt wholly unrealistic, but the characters were real and fascinating, which grounded the book and made it work. I also loved how lexie was always there, a character in her own right even though she was dead, and even the house seemed to take on a character of its own. The descriptions of the house were vivid and dreamy and it was just as fascinating and painful to learn about the history of the house and what it represented to so many people as it was to read about the actual characters. This book cost a lot more than i would usually pay, as do the authors other titles, but I will be getting in the woods and faithful place despite this.

“I believe that she smiled in self-defense, using the open vulnerability of her smile as a shield, the way a puppy bares its neck to a stronger dog.”

On Saturday I went into Kuala Lumpur for the first time. The university had organised a tour for the new international students, and it was cheap and I sort of have to socialise, even though it makes me feel tired, so I dragged myself out of bed and I went. Besides, i had been wanting to go into the city, and I am at a loss as how the trains work here to try and get there myself!

The bus journey was quite long,spent chatting amongst the acquaintances i have made here. We stopped in Putrajaya first. The sun was intense, almost blinding, and it was hot as I explored, taking many photos of everything because it was all so pretty. I had also never seen a Mosque before this and it was magnificent. i did not go in though, for i did not feel like taking of my shoes or donning a pale pink robe so i slipped away when no one was looking and walked until i bumped into the person i had been sitting next to on the bus. we spent some time just chatting before we all of us piled back on the bus and headed into kl. KL has certain things that reminded me of Singapore, but they are not alike. I’m not sure if I was expecting them to be more or less similiar?

Anyway, we first stopped at the KL tower for lunch at the revolving restaurant. I definitely ate too much, piling my plate high with delicious food, and even higher with delicate, attractive looking cakes. I ate, ate some more, wondered around the place taking pictures, ate some more, stole some food from someone else to eat even more and in the end felt quite sick. Serves me right, really. It was just all so nice. :/ We unfortunately did’t have time to explore more of the tower, for we had to be back on the bus and to our next destination- the cocoa boutique. This was a random stop, and slightly unwelcome when we were all full to the brim. If they had brought us there when were hungry we may have been enthusiastic but as it was i took all the chocolate samples and bought nothing, and left early with a couple if friends to walk around the rest of the Malaysia tourist center. I did see a giant chocolate dragon there though, so. Not a complete waste of time? Then we were dragged to a photo spot to take picture in front of the twin towers. then, finally, finally, it was to the mid valley mall and shopping time! Except I had to hunt through supermarkets trying to find washing powder I was not allergic to (I’m allergic to biological…) which took much longer than I thought, because even KL doesn’t have it! A panicked text conversation with my father I managed to settle on some plant based stuff. though its worrying and unexpected that they don’t seem to have non bio here. hoping the plant stuff works :/

in the end I only had time to nip into watsons and allow myself to be coaxed into buying a foundation by an overly friendly sales girl. The girls in watsons/gaurdian/makeup stores are so clingy. But I found that in a lot of shops in Singapore as well as here. The girls will hang by as you browse and even when you tell them when you are browsing they will still stand by your shoulder, watching, trying to give you sales talk. Its like, back off, I am just browsing! I was in the mood to be coaxed into purchasing though, and happily accepted this girls guidance. I have a feeling I will spending a lot of time in watsons, and a lot of money, in the future. :|

I ended up rushing back to the bus but I thankfully made it on time. Tired out fro the long day, the long week, i quietly listened to music and stared out the window, ignoring everyone and thing. The next day, I took a long, much needed lie in and then spent the day lazily, working through my chores slowly, leisurely walking into campus to get food, just taking it all slow, talking to no one, keeping to myself, trying to prepare myself for Monday.

Because today, all too soon, was my first day of second year. I woke up feeling reasonably relaxed, but at around 8.40am realized I had a 9am lecture and things started to go wrong from there. I left my room at 9am and raced to the classroom, only to find myself lost, only to race to another classroom, only to realize it was the wrong one, to race to another classroom and finally, I was nearly 30 minutes late. Thankfully it was not an important lecture, just admin type stuff, and I now know my way around campus reasonably well after running around it like a mad thing. The first lecture was dull and it was hard to concentrate after a long, lazy summer and I was glad when it ended an hour early. I went back to my room to freshen up and finish getting ready for the day before my next lecture. I sat down at the back of the lecture hall as I did. One of the boys came up and said hello and I turned, startled, expecting to see someone behind me, but there was no one there, and he started to talk to me, and then he asked me to go sit down next to him and his friends.

It was unexpected, to say the least, but I grabbed the opportunity and then stumbled through conversations with him, feeling awkward, not really sure what to say. After the long lecture, an actual lecture this time which was quite overwhelming second thing on a Monday morning just back after summer break, he asked me to join him for lunch and even though I badly wanted to say no and run in the other direction, I nodded. Then, he bought me lunch. That was just strange. I felt like a fool holding out the money to the guy at the stall only to be told it had been paid for, and slightly flustered. I am not used to such random kindness, and I couldn’t help become even more nervous, almost panicked. “What does he want from me?” I couldn’t help but think. I don’t trust in people being kind just for the sake of being kind. We ate and then parted, I bumped into my other friend and hung with her until my other tutorial, which contained nothing important and was very dull, and then finally it was my last lecture of the day where I again bumped into the guy before and we chatted some more and i honestly have no idea what I said and this bugs me. When the lecturer failed to turn up we left the room and he took me to the library and helped me print my notes- and it continued to be very strange how nice he was- and then we got drinks and he invited me to play pool with him and his friends and I…said no.

I know. I should have been desperate and clingy and shameless and said yes, but I had been nervous and on edge all day for various reasons and I gave into my desire to turn tail and run. Besides, the little voice reminded me, he was only being polite, he didn’t really want me there. I was filled with doubt, and I was scared, so I ran. I am hoping he doesn’t feel annoyed, and that he will still be friendly, because he was the only one to approach me. I thought that everyone would be very cliquey and keep to themselves, so I was grateful that someone reached out, as I was at a loss as to where to begin to integrate myself into this group. its second year after all, everyone has already had a year to make friends. Also- not only am I one of less than 10 girls this year, but also the only Caucasian. To say i stand out is an understatement.

I am slightly terrified of what will happen tomorrow.

Listening To: Olivia - alone in our castle

Recorded Butterflies

Hello from Malaysia! I am currently writing this sitting in my room on campus. My suitcase lies on the floor still unpacked, and my shelves are crammed with cleaning supplies I still haven’t gotten round to using. I am avoiding cleaning and long showers and even going to bed as there are many, many spiders lurking in various nooks in my room. The past two days have been hectic and it is very weird to think that I have not spent a longer time here. Not because i feel settled or anything. Oh no, it feels like am on a very strange holiday and I will be going home soon, like this is not quite real.

Moving day came quickly. I was pretty unorganised despite my packing list which proved quite useless when I realised my suitcase was hopelessly overweight. I ended up leaving behind most of everything. The flight was long and exhausting, but the seat in the middle of my row was fortunately free the entire time,and the guy sitting at the last seat was pretty nice. Eventually I was in Singapore, gawking at the huge, shiny airport, in a state of excitement and nervousness for being there. How to even begin talking about what I did in Singapore? It was only a few days but my friend and I did and experienced so much in that time. Things that stand out? I think the bus journey to the hotel and stepping into the hotel for the first time, just staring at it all in amazement that I was actually there, and later window shopping in orchard road and making my first in store laneige and etude house purchases, eating curry udon that was too hot at nearly midnight whilst sitting overlooking the river at clarke quay, messing about in the long bar with my friend as we drunk or slings . There are so many good memories.And it was a good few days to have fun and ease into Asia- to have that time in Singapore to get over jet lag (I spent my first day in Singapore in bed, fighting dizziness and nausea and exhaustion but by the next day I was cool) and to adjust to the heat (the humidity, too. cannot forget that lovely sticky, sweaty feeling) and to experience this side of the world as a tourist first. not everything was perfect, of course. I was still taking my antibiotics and it was annoying to remember to take them. there were also a couple of moments where things were a little tense between my friend and I, and a few times when i did something awkward which was embarrassing but thankfully our friendship survived. overall, it was a great trip.

Then it was on to Malaysia. The flight was only about 30 minutes, but there was no one from the university to meet us at the airport so we had to wait for 2 hours for them to come, without anything to eat or drink and our baggage unclaimed. Eventually they came and we went through immigration and found our baggage lying unattended by the belt. Both my friend and I were furious. The university has not been particularly organised about this whole affair, and this ws the icing on the cake. We did make it to the campus eventually and got checked in to our accommodation.

From then on its been quite hectic. The days aren’t busy but there is so much to take in that every day is quite exhausting. It’s really quite different here. The weather is hot as hell, my room is filled with creatures I am terrified of, the food is ridiculously cheap but overwhelming in its sheer unfamiliarity. the drinks here are good though. There is this one shop that sells fresh juice blended with ice, which is heavenly and I’m helplessly addicted. I also tried bubble tea the other day, and it was nice but a little too sweet and milky to have an entire glass of. I am trying to be open minded and to try things, but it really is so hard to know just what to try and the portions are so large and its so hot that you barely even want to eat! Went to subway today and it was wonderful. The breaks for western food no matter how crappy it is are really so lovely, and I am not sure if I should feel embarrassed about this. I’m just not used to Asian food!

I’m also starting to understand why groups of international students always stick to each other in the UK- as these past few days me and the other students from the UK have been getting to know each other, and sticking close to each other. I’m pleased to know people though, although in truth it is thanks to my friend I came with that I know these people. :/ We’ve been out grocery shopping together and today we visited the town close to the university and were embarrassing tourists while trailing around the malls. its a small campus so we bump into each other frequently, and generally we gather together to have drinks or eat at the food courts. Everyone is quite nice and it is OK to hang around them, but at the same time it is so nerve wracking going through this process of making new acquaintances all over again. This is my third time already and I still cannot make small talk! I am surprised by how much I am enjoying myself despite this, every one really is quite nice and very friendly, although i am very tired. it is exhausting being around people so often, and overwhelming trying to settle in and trying to get everything done that needs to be done in regards to admin type things. as i said, everything is very hectic and the days feel long, even though they seem to be passing quickly.

I don’t miss home just yet, thankfully. Instead I somewhat superficially am longing for the things i left behind- the books i still wanted to read, the foundation i thought i could buy here but can’t, my collection of nail polishes, my favourite bed sheets even. these are the little things that made up my life back there, and the absence of them is what really makes me so feel so far away. So far i’ve skyped my family often, and i text my dad all the time, so it doesn’t feel bad yet that i cannot see them. adjusting to the time difference is a little weird, when i call my dad and he is about to have supper while i’m about to go to bed!

overall I am really just trying to settle into this place, trying to find some routine and trying to do things and eat things that might make me uncomfortable because I want to enjoy my time here. because thats always what makes one feel settled isn’t it? knowing people and knowing where to go, what to eat, thinking of my crappy room in halls as home. I really want to start to feel more settled here, and for it to sink in already that I am living here. Most of all I hope I enjoy this.

Listening To: Kisumai - Shake it Up
mood: exhausted

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