Honest Lies – Page 53 – "Okay, so I'm the dragon. Big deal. You still get to be the hero."

Welcome! Honest Lies is the personal site of a 26 year old graduate electrical engineer living in the UK. Covering every day life, books and various other randomness. Read more about me and the site here.

I closed my eyes and found an answer I hadn’t noticed

This week has been quite hectic. Exams started on Monday, with my first being Mathematics. It was perfectly awful. The paper just wasn’t nice. And I know I completely messed up one question, not because I didn’t know what to do, but because I messed up my basic integration. The worst thing was that I had gone over my integration the very night before in preparation for something like happening, but I had skipped over this particular method as I did not expect it to come up. Of course, it came up. I went back to my room, grabbed my purse and headed out to Tesco on a quest for Ben and Jerry’s, and spent the evening wallowing in my misery – on the internet, and reading a hilarious book(The bro magnet, which was not entirely realistic, but hilarious with a lot of heart!), instead of revising for my next exam the next day.

My next exam was Electrical Engineering, which was at the awesome time of 16.30. I planned to take advantage of the late time and get up early to spend the day doing last minute cramming, but ended up oversleeping and spent only the afternoon doing so. This exam also went terribly wrong. The paper was OK, apart from a few of the wordier questions that I couldn’t do (of course the wordier questions I could do weren’t on the paper) I instead made the stupid mistake of mistaking a components value, therefore doing a good page of calculations and half of one question entirely wrong. Thankfully I spotted this, and I went through and corrected it. Only to check it through again and realize I had messed up my calculations. So by this point it was getting a bit messy, and after going through it again it only got worse. I am terrified that I did it wrong the third time ( I only got 61.5% efficiency for the transformer/ So either it’s a really crap transformer, or I did it wrong. My money is on the latter :( ), or that I won’t even get method marks because it is so messy!

That stupid component threw me out entirely and I messed up on the one part of the paper I could do in my sleep. I came out of the exam wanting to cry- it was so bad! I mean, how awful would it be to fail an exam because I misread a component value? Lame!

I am disappointed and annoyed with myself that I messed up both papers over such stupid, little things.

Then on Wednesday I had to go the doctors for three vaccinations. I overslept and was nearly late, of course, but I did make it and I ended up getting them done, two in one arm, and one in the other. It was painful, although the nurse was nice. She spoke to me about my course and Malaysia, and gave me further travel advice. I have to go back for more doses next week, and two weeks after that. Fun! I am really getting stressed with preparing to move abroad to Malaysia, there’s just so much to do, and I am really worried about it not working out- after so much has been done in preparation for it!

After the doctors I grabbed something to eat, and then headed back to halls to pack and get ready to travel home, only to realize I needed money for the bus. Cue me throwing together my stuff, rushing out to the ATM (the closest is 30 mins there and back!), rushing back and throwing the rest of my stuff together before rushing off to catch the bus. Amazingly or the first time ever I didn’t have to run to catch my train, and I was on my train a good ten minutes before departure. Of course, I was badly packed, and I had left behind my laundry which sucks as with this glorious weather it would have been nice to be able to hang it outside. The train journey was long, and my arms ached, and I felt ever so slightly nauseous. I was glad when the journey came to an end and I was home.

It was strange being home, at first. Although badly packed, I have most of what I need as I have a lot of stuff still at home. It’s just, popping home sometimes it really feels like I am a visitor. It hit me as I was making lunch yesterday, which was a struggle, as the food available is no longer targeted to me. And yesterday morning there wasn’t any soap in the bathroom for me, and my room doesn’t have all my things. I felt a little unsure of myself yesterday, and as to why I came home. One part was for a quiet place to study as the library is getting busy, but another was because I wanted the comfort of my home. It’s not really my home anymore though?

But although yesterday was strange as I struggled to settle in, today proved to be much better. I attempted some revision, although the warmth is distracting, and then my dad came home and announced that we would be having a braai, which turned out to be chilled out and nice. For the first time I really felt like I was home. I felt settled and relaxed. And I am looking forward to taking a break from revision tomorrow, to make milk tart and then to spend my afternoon lying in the garden reading and sunning myself. It’s quite nice being back I suppose and I am dreading having to go back to uni because it means having to face that fact that I still have two more exams! After my first two awful exams I am quite ready to be done with this semester. Mathematics and Electrical Engineering exams were the ones I felt fairly confident about, compared to Electronic Engineering and Fields which I really really really struggle with. I also haven’t even started revising for Fields, which doesn’t help matters.

It took all my willpower not to use even more exlcamation marks in this post than I already have. I am a wierd mixture of feeling lazy and relaxed, and totally stressed right now!

Listening To: Ayaka - blue days
mood: stressed

before our dreams disappear

I was talking to my dad on the phone early and I was telling him about my schedule and he remarked “not long left now”. Which is…actually very true. I’ve been so caught up in stress of revision and procrastination from said revision that I’ve not really thought about it at all but lectures really did finish last week, and its just my four exams to go now. (Well, not “just” because they are HORRIBLE and I need to pass them quite badly, but you get what I mean.) Therefore, my second year at university is coming to a close, and my first year doing Electrical and Electronic Engineering. In just a matter of months I’ll be in my third year of university, and my second year of my course (Yes, that confuses me too. Do I call myself a second year? Or a first year?…A first year plus?) It still feels like yesterday that I was at school. But, in reality, that’s a long time past now. I have no ties to that place anymore. Sometimes I think of it, of course, but

I mostly think of how much I hated it. I remember what the teachers said to me, and how they treated me, and I become motivated from it though. I was took aside by my head of year and told to reconsider doing engineering, well look who’s doing engineering now! Petty, yes, but its satisfying to imagine how they’d react if they knew. Not that they’d ever know. I haven’t been back. Hell, I don’t even speak to any of my old ‘friends’ from school anymore, apart from two people. Instead of blossoming into a social butterfly whilst at university, I seem to have become even more introverted and anti-social. I think I have grown into my personality though, just in my own way. I do think its easier being shy at university than it is at school though. At school you have to be part of a group, but not at university. Its a much less diverse environment at school, in the obvious sense, and also in the sense that there is more pressure to conform. I’m glad I did not go back to school and repeat my A levels, and did the foundation year instead. The foundation year is also becoming just another piece of the past, but it was always supposed to be that way. It was really just a stepping stone, a brief stop before going to this university. I don’t miss it at all. When I think of it, I think of how much I liked it though, and I remember that feeling- being full of hope and motivation, having confidence in what I was doing, being so determined to do well. All of it, in a way I don’t think I’ll ever be to quite the same level again. Today, I slept until 12, procrastinated, then spent my evening hanging out in the library attempting to study and not getting very much done at all. Its not enough. It doesn’t feel like enough.

Second year is going to be something else, if all goes to plan. I can’t wait for it to be sorted out so I can stop being so vague and talk about it here. I hope second year will be good, although its definitely gonna be tough (Hello, C++ and other such things I didn’t enjoy in their ‘basic’ forms this year, and am not looking to expanding on the next). I complained a lot this year, but wait for second year! Heh.

In the end, even if sometimes I get stressed out and swear I hate engineering, I am happy doing this degree. And I like my university, too. I was actually pretty keen on going to university in Scotland but I’m glad I didn’t. Lets not mention how I was rejected from the Scottish uni I badly wanted to go to and focus on how much more awesome my current uni is and how I’m glad that events took me here. I would have never imagined I ended up here, of all universities, but I’m glad I came here. I think I could do four years here.

Listening To: ZARD - Goodbye by my loneliness
mood: tired

“But I, who knew him so well, could clearly see that his thoughts were elsewhere, and I detected a mixture of mingled uneasiness and expectation beneath that mask which he was wont to assume.”

– Arthur Conan Doyle, The Return of Sherlock Holmes

I’ve been leery of ebooks for a while. I simply can’t afford an e reader, and saw no need to install a reading app on my phone as I generally could buy my books for quite cheaply (the advantage of usually reading old, unpopular fantasy books is that they generally come quite cheap). Sadly there are some books which are simply not available as paperbacks, or are just too expensive to get hold of as paperback. So I finally caved and became the last person on the planet to install an e reader on my phone.

I quickly set about spending money I didn’t have on some books I’d been ogling for a while. Amazon one click is the devil. I first download a couple of m/m books I’d had my eye on- Dark Soul and The Only Gold. I’ve only gotten round to reading the former, which wasn’t much of a chore as this book was short. For the price I paid I expected a lot more, and I feel a little cheated. It was a good book, don’t get me wrong, I loved it actually, but I won’t be picking up the sequels. No way am I spending so much on something so short. As for The Only Gold, well, I’ve read such good reviews about it that I’m almost afraid of reading it- what happens if I end up disappointed? I’ve got such high expectations. So I’ll read it later.

I’ve also been taking advantage of the free classics. After watching the musical the Phantom of the Opera I was thinking of getting the book so I was pleased to find it available for free as an ebook. The book is very different from the musical. I remember sitting turning to my sister during the break of the musical and remarking “so are we supposed to be rooting for Christine and the phantom here?” in disbelief, or something along those lines, but whereas the musical was certainly not a love story like I had mistakenly thought, the book is even less so. It seems to be told from the point of a view of someone researching into the mystery of the ‘opera ghost’, and is written like a mystery with a touch of romance and horror. The writing is clunky, and hard to follow, with moments of startling beauty and intensity. Christine remains selfish and annoying, and Raoul is even whinier and more immature in the book, but the phantom is even more fascinating. After the end of the musical I came away with a certain love for the strange, unstable character and the book re-enforces it.

I also downloaded The Return of Sherlock Holmes and was surprised at how much I enjoyed it. My only experience with Sherlock Holmes was the first season of the BBC series, which I liked but didn’t love. But I loved the Sherlock Holmes books. Holmes is another fascinating character, much like the phantom and, again like the phantom, you can see why they become so famous and so beloved. And Watson and his constant admiration of Holmes, and all his little observations of the man, is just lovely, and its clear why that spawned such a large fanfic base. XD I wonder if Holmes is really such a likeable character, or I just like him because of the way that Watson so carefully and affectionately describes him. XD I bought the complete collection for a grand total of 77p, and I’ve been reading them on and off when I don’t feel like reading anything heavier. They’re good fun.

So I’m enjoying my new ‘kindle’, and the books that its made available to me. The kindle android interface is nice and I like how instead of having to physically write quotes down, or take a picture of the page, I can just highlight sentences or paragraphs that I enjoy, or I can bookmark an entire ‘page’ when I enjoy a certain section. I like how portable it is too. I’ve been getting more reading done as I can read on my phone in the breaks between lectures (and OK, sometimes in especially boring lectures too!). Although I still prefer physical books. Reading on my tiny cell phone screen hurts after a long period of time. I’ve long been reading fanfic on my phone so I am used to ignoring that pain, but then I usually read shorter works on my phone, and leave longer works for my computer. I lay down for a Sherlock Holmes readathon for an afternoon and by the end my eyes were tired in a way they wouldn’t be if I was reading books. For certain reasons I may not be able to take any physical books to uni next year so I’m worried about what I will do. I had thought I could use my phone in aeroplane mode as a ‘kindle’ but it turns out that isn’t as great in theory. hmm :/

Hey, cheer up, cheer up, be brave. Show me your eyes and start running…This world is yours, it’s all yours.

It’s Friday, and you have no idea how glad I am for that. It’s been a long- too long– week. I packed up over the weekend and headed back to university on Sunday- moving into halls for the last time. My room is as its ever been, with its mould and the suspicious stains and a heater that doesn’t work. After unpacking my stuff my dad took me out to dinner, and we had pizza followed by desert. I ate half my pizza and had the rest for take away, and similarly I ate half my desert and then slipped it into the cardboard box when the waiters weren’t around and made very sure not to disturb it. It was nice to spend some time with my dad after an entire holiday competing with my sister and my mothers attention. It’s amusing, too, how similar I am to my dad. Everyone always tell me that I look like my dad, that I have this or that personality trait from my dad. Sometimes I don’t see it, but sometimes there are moments when I can’t help but notice it. We were sitting there looking at the menus for a good five minutes, both of us so indecisive that we could neither of us decide whether we wanted a starter and a main course, or a main course and desert. Little things like this, that we both stop and think about far too much. We are both indecisive, yes. Both of deep thinkers, very private and introverted, both of us engineers. If only I could have my dads ridiculously high level of intelligence, too.

Anyway, On Monday lectures started again, bright and early at 9am and it was back to the same old same old once more. This week has been a busy one though, with deadlines and other such things.

On Wednesday I experienced my first ever interview. I don’t want to say for what. I was really nervous about it. I had some trouble finding something to wear, and when I sat down to prep for it the information on the net about interviews was overwhelming, and so I’m fairly sure I wasn’t prepared. I had no idea what they were going to ask. Tuesday night, from midnight to 1am I was sat there, edging closer to just putting my head in my hands and crying, as I realised the extent that I had no idea what I was doing. I felt overwhelmed and confused and totally out of my element. The next day I could barely focus in labs, from a lovely combination of lack of sleep and nerves. I came back to my room to get changed and for last minute prep and found I was running late, but I made it on time. The interview went badly, no worse than I expected, but it remained a fact that I came out there knowing I had failed. I rambled, said too much, said too little, said the wrong things. I fidgeted too, but I only became aware of how much afterwards (it was awful looking back and realising all the things I could have said. Could have done. Could have made it better.) I had to go meet someone to to some work when all I wanted was to go back and wallow in my disappointment in myself. I was confident, and friendly, and I did manage to smile and speak clearly, I think. If I fucked up, at least I did so confidently and with a smile. They have an option of giving us feedback on our interview, and I think once I get the reply I will email them, and ask them so I can prepare myself better in the future when it isn’t just for something like this, but an actual job, possibly my dream job.

Thursday also tested my nerves. I had my last RTS (real time systems) labs. We have to work in pairs to code a certain system. My partner has been nice, and I’m surprised at how well we ended up working together. There was a bit of awkwardness, but not too much. Of course neither of us are very good at C. He is far better than I, but between us we couldn’t get our system to work. To be fair my board had broken so yesterday was the first time for me to check my code, but nonetheless. We had a beautiful interactive menu system going on, but alas whatever option the user would chose got no more than a blank oscilloscope. And this Thursday was the final lab where they would sit down with us individually and talk about what we have done! The demonstrator just gave me a perfect O_O look after I explained how it was supposed to work quite neatly to him and then ended with “But it doesn’t work and I don’t know why”. He looked through the code and said it looked like it should work, so I guess it was OK. I wasn’t too nervous about it, more standing outside waiting I got somewhat worried. I’m very glad now that RTS is now done with, and I don’t have to do programming until next year. Well, I should probably practice over the summer because I suck at it, but realistically I wonder if I will do that.

Today I just had the one lecture and then I came home and I have no idea what I’ve been doing all afternoon. Certainly not work. My lecture was cancelled too which has only contributed to my laziness. Tonight I may spend equally uselessly because I just cannot be bothered with anything more. I’ve barely slept all week, and my diet is all over the place. Just not in a very good place, still. Even as I continue to try to stay positive, it gets increasingly hard. Therefore to end this long moan, here is a list of five good things about this week:

– Lunch on Monday- left over pizza, a muffin and I also treated myself to a caramel latte, all of which left me feeling cheerful for the rest of the day.

– My best friends constant support. Her regular text messages have really cheered me up. I’m so grateful to have such a good friend.

-Similarly, talking to my sister after my interview. I am also grateful for her support.

– Laughing with my RTS partner over our failed code. Our lecturer came over to which my partner said that our menu system was working just fine, and I added on, slightly under my breath but meant to be heard, “but nothing else.” The lecturer just smiled, in a way one could tell it wasn’t his first time hearing things like that.

– Noticing that one of my plants has flowered. Usually I am the complete opposite of green fingered, but I have actually managed not to kill my three plants, and now they are flourishing. Which is a good thing , as all three were presents and I don’t want to have to tell anyone that I killed what they gave me!

Listening To: LANDS - Genki
mood: sad

“I see that you do,” said Cazaril dryly. But was this drunken stupidity, or the world’s simplest form of assassination? A duel to first blood, approved practice and outlet for high spirits among young courtly hotheads, followed by The sword slipped, upon my honour! He ran upon it! and whatever number of paid witnesses one could afford to confirm it.

– Lois McMaster Bujold, The Curse of Chalion

Recently finished reading this book, picking it up looking for a quick and entertaining read, and it delievered for the most part but I was still left slightly disappointed.

The world of chalion was beautiful, and terrible, and I loved that despite how dark the book went at times, the writing remained light and filled with humour. Characters dry remarks made me laugh out loud, and Cazaril’s unimpressed views on court were especially humorous. Its a clever book too, that explores the idea of gods and their relationship with the world and its people in a fascinating manner, and a depth that fantasy rarely touches upon. I found this to be one of the strongest parts of the book.

However this book is not without flaws. I found myself rolling my eyes at the ‘twists’ the plot takes; at times events felt very…convenient. Everything fell together in a very neat manner, which does take away some of the tension as you know that everything will end up happily, all problems conveniently solved. And I didn’t feel attached or intrigued by any of the characters because I didn’t really think they came alive, they too felt like they were whatever the plot required of them. Perhaps events were supposed to feel so manipulated, with the theme of the gods, but I still didn’t like it.

I’d be lying if I said this book didn’t grip me,as I finished it in a matter of days, but it left barely any impression behind. It was missing a certain something? Just something about this book did not connect with me. The in depth exploration of the gods and how they affect the world of chalion makes it welll worth reading however its not going to become a favourite any time soon. I have since found that this is part of a series and I’m not sure I’ll be checking out the next books. :/

Tags

Categories

Archives

Blogroll