I have a habit of leaving things until the last minute. If I’m nervous about something or it’s a task I don’t particularly want to do or find difficult I’ll put it off, procrastinate and pretend it doesn’t exist and in the end I’m sitting worrying about whether I’ll be able to make a deadline or not. I never plan things out well enough (or rather, set aside time for things to go not to plan). The current situation I have gottten myself in is that I am waiting for some important email responses to come through and I realised belatedly I’d sent the emails probably far too late and now I don’t know what to do. The deadline is Thursday. There’s no one to blame but myself. You have no idea how annoyed I am at myself right now.
Welcome! Honest Lies is the personal site of a 26 year old graduate electrical engineer living in the UK. Covering every day life, books and various other randomness. Read more about me and the site here.
Joy & Pain
It’s less than one week until my first exam. Just four and a bit days to go. Scared doesn’t even begin to describe my feelings. It’s always on my mind, I’m always counting down the days. A lot rests on these last two exams. I’ve worked so hard this year. Well fine, I admit most of the time I worked hard and some times I decided I’d much rather watch and episode of Galileo or BOSS but I’m only human OK? I did my best, and I did better than I have ever done before. So far my grades are good and what I need, I think. Currently I’m waiting on the results for a few course-works which is terribly frustrating as I need to know. I need to know where I’m at. I need to know what I need to get on these exams and I cannot until I know what my marks are already in my units. In short: ARGHH. Also I seem to have reached that point in revision where it freaks me out how much I just don’t get it and thus I find it very difficult to revise. It takes extreme motivation and willpower, and I’m not really a very motivated person to begin with. The more things matter the less I can bring myself to care and the more I put it off. It’s super bad but I’d rather avoid a problem until it cannot be ignored than tackle it from the beginning. (And if I can avoid it until it just goes away then all the better) I’ve almost gotten through all the tutorials, just need to do past papers and go over that which I’m still shaky on (which is a depressing amount T__T). In short: ARGHHHHH.
I’m really desperately hoping to get into first year engineering next year. Sure it scares me thinking about having to move out of home, having to make new friends, having to actually join societies and go out and do things with my life. But it scares me more not having that. I want that experience whether it will be good or bad. Being stuck at the same place I am now will do nothing for me in the long run. I realise this may not make sense but I’m scared of being too clear, of bringing myself bad luck by spelling out my exact goal and talking about how much I want it. (I wish I didn’t get my hopes up about things but I can’t seem to stop myself…)
I really just want things to be certain but nothing is certain and I’m nervous for/of the future.
(In short: this entire blog post could be summarised as “ARRRGHHHHHH D: D: D:”)
Dentist
Today I went to the dentist. Today I had my first filling. When asked if I wanted to go numb or not I panicked (hello, I was very put on the spot) and said “yes?”. I didn’t quite realise that meant a thin little needle stuck into my mouth, and I hate needles. Countless inoculations, one blood test and two piercings have made me able to bare needles but it’s enough to make me nervous and afraid. I lay there staring resolutely at the light, heart pounding, arms crossed, fingers digging into my arm, as the dentist and assistant stared down at me and drilled and I don’t even know what else. It was all rather terrifying. I was breathing hard and I felt a little light headed, the fear of dentists I had long gotten over returning to me (funny story: the first time I went to the dentist I cried and refused to go in). I couldn’t feel anything, just hear sounds and see the light, and the dentist and her assistants heads hovering over me. Afterwards I was like “lol can’t feel my face :D”. It was a decidedly strange feeling. I could move my face but my muscles felt thick, heavy and stiff so talking or smiling was uncomfortable and awkward and no longer a reflex/natural. We went grocery shopping which I really would have wished not to as it was hard to talk and to stop myself from being gross and drooling (even my tongue felt heavy and unfamiliar in my mouth). Somehow I survived and came home, realising I couldn’t eat anything but a small croissant (using my right set of molars only) and some yogurt. Eventually two hours I was like “fuck, can’t feel my face ¬_¬” and three hours later feeling finally returned! Now my teeth just hurt. I am still very hungry.
“But then I noticed the black sky and all those lights.”
Recently my father informed me that he was arranging for us (us being my family and I) to take a trip back home to South Africa. I am not sure how to feel about this. It is sudden and unexpected and wonderful but utterly terrifying. It’s been about four years since we last been back, maybe five. I’ve lost count. I remember clearly last time sat in the back of my uncles car, staring out at the city lights and the black sky and feeling sad, lonely and lost, thinking that it could possibly be the last time I ever went home, that I ever saw Cape Town again. I wanted to cry, and that journey was painfully slow. I was still struggling not to cry hugging my grandparents goodbye, sitting on the plane heading back to this place. Even now looking out the window seeing the city lights spread out into the distance makes me sad. So it’s amazing that I have the opportunity to go back once more. I vaguely remember last time was good and I’m looking forward to seeing my family again, of course. But at the same time I feel nervous and scared. I don’t know my extended family. I’ve never had the chance to be close to my grandparents, or my uncles or aunts or cousins. I don’t even know how normal relationships with relatives are supposed to be? How do other people view their grandparents? Do other people view their cousins as friends, brothers/sisters, people that they care about but are ultimately annoying? I wouldn’t know. I only see my relatives every 4 or 5 years. I feel scared seeing them again, scared of it being awkward and strange being around them and surely its not supposed to be like that? How are other people with their relatives? I don’t know, I don’t know. I love my relatives I do and I know they love me but I don’t know them, they don’t really know me. They last saw me when I was so young, now I am almost an adult. Is it going to be awkward? It’s going to be awkward isn’t it? I don’t know what to think about going back. I never expected it to happen and now that it is I just don’t know what to feel.
(Also on a purely superficial note it’s always somewhat scary leaving behind the routine, thinking about the fact I cannot laze around comfortably by myself wasting time watching millions of dramas, thinking about having to use someone else’s bathroom, sleeping in a different bed. Its always strange leaving home for a little bit and living in someone else’s house. I always feel like I am interrupting someone else’s life, imposing on them. its not like a hotel where you can run yourself a deep bath knowing the bathtub is clean and your father won’t nag you for wasting water, where you can keep the light on as long as you like and put the TV as loud as you like, that you can be as messy as you like as long as you tidy up in the end. It’s not like you are at home where you can retreat to your room and put your headphones on to shut everything out when you don’t want to talk to anyone, or that you can argue with your parents when they are being irritating. It’s someone else’s home and in a way you must be even more conscious of how you act. And I’m going to have to be surrounded by my family constantly which I’m sad to say, kind of fills me with dread.)
Basically: I’m so, so excited about going on holiday to South Africa this summer but at the same time so very nervous.
This comic made me lol and also made me think of my own cat. My cat, the cute thing that she is, has a habit of stretching out and rolling on her back and then just as you accept the invitation and reach out to stroke her tummy she attacks you. It’s actually great fun attacking her tummy then drawing back justfastenough that she misses. Other cute habits my cat has is: following me literally everywhere, getting excited whenever I open tins/pouches/packets, going crazy over ham and cheese, falling asleep on the end of my bed and snoring, chasing after anything vaguely string like (including her own tail) etc. Cats are a lot of fun, in their own lazy find-them-asleep-in-a-warm-place-most-of-the-time kind of way.