Crystal Castles,Not in Love (ft. Robert Smith) – Found this on someone’s tumblr and now I’m hooked. This song is awesome.
I’m not feeling so great at the moment. I think it’s due to my sleeping patterns or rather the lack of them. I go to bed any time between 23:00 and midnight, and get up at various times depending on if and when I need to go into university. This week is particularly bad as my class this morning was moved forward so it started at 9:00am instead of the usual 10:00am so I had to get up at 6:00am today, and I will of course have to get up at the same time tomorrow. We’ll see if I actually manage to drag myself out of bed. When I wake it’s dark! When I’m waiting at the station it’s dark! It’s horrible. And exhausting. It’s amazing how sitting on a train doing nothing for an hour or more can make you feel so tired. I have a persistent headache at the moment and I sort of feel nauseous and light-headed, though that comes and goes. It could be another thing but it’s not the time, that should be next month. So judging by the disturbingly dark smudges under my eyes I’m guessing it’s that I need to sort out my sleeping habits and my weird schedule in general- three days a week of uni and the waking up early to commute and then three days of laziness. I’m all over the place lately :/
And so because I was feeling more than a little rough today and I wanted some form of comfort I turned to the best source of comfort known- food. I decided to treat myself to Japanese food at Yo, Sushi!. It’s a great place. I have been once with my sister and the food was delicious and reasonably priced, for Japanese food. We all know being a fan of Asian things isn’t cheap. So I went to the restaurant despite not really having the sort of money that allows me to splurge so (aka all i can afford right now is bring a packed lunch :|). I was good though and I didn’t have a lot- I had Tamago followed by Katsu curry. By this point I was full but I continued on for dessert of Japanese Pancakes. It was all delicious and I felt so wonderfully full afterwards. The restaurant was also not too busy- just the sort of right level that it’s got an atmosphere but it’s not crammed- and the staff were really nice in explaining how it works. :D I love Yo, sushi! and will be going back maybe next month- armed with student discount! I want nice Japanese food. I don’t even like sushi but Katsu curry? Terayaki chicken? All that sort of stuff that isn’t sushi or dominantly seafood? Yeah, I really love that. I will make myself even more broke than I am for that XD
Unfortunatly my headache didn’t go away, and the train back was exhausting simply because I couldn’t do anything to make time pass as I didn’t feel well enough, but I was pretty content after that. : )
➔ The weather seems to be struggling to become winter at the moment. On Monday I thought it would be cold, wrapped up warm and it turned out to be a mild day, bordering on sunny. On Tuesday I wear shorts and tights and don’t even think of bringing an umbrella. I’m cold all day and around midday it begins to chuck it down and I’m left soaking wet. Today I wrap up, bring my umbrella because gdi I am not being cold or wet. It’s sunny today and not a drop of rain and I become the idiot carrying an umbrella for no reason. :| But it is bitterly cold- the sort of cold that gets under your skin and settles there.
➔ I have to wake up on 6am on Wednesdays. When I wake up its dark and by the time I’m on the train its pretty much light but the horizon is still tinged with pink. Frost lies on all the fields and there is a slight mist above the small lake I pass. Britain is at its most beautiful in the early hours of the morning, observed from a warm place inside, I think. It’s beautiful but just looking at it reminds me I’m supposed to be in bed, I want to be in bed, at such a time. It’s a horrible day. I ended up buying some Green Tea because I was desperate for some caffeine but didn’t want to drink coke in the morning and I wasn’t feeling masochistic enough to try and drink coffee. Green tea does have caffiene…right?
➔ I’m becoming scarily adjusted to the train. I notice that I get the same guys pushing the service trolley, I notice I get the same people checking my tickets, I notice I get the same people working at the station, I notice people who I have seen on the platform/on the train before. I know which side I need to stand at when the train is approaching the station. I know which platform my train arrives and leaves. I know the best time to stand up so I’m first off the train and don’t have to get stuck behind people. I can stand on the train and not hold on to anything! I have my favourite place to sit, and when there I kick off my shoes and put my feet up, using my coat as a blanket, and read whilst listening to music. I steal glances at the cute Asian guy sitting a few rows along from me. I might do some work.
Train travel is rather mundane.
➔ I also have a lot of waiting around time which I generally spend people watching. Today it was watching all the business people huddling in their professional clothes and wondering what it must be like to commute to London every day, and if those people standing around waiting for a train to Glasgow did that long commute every day and how it could possibly be rewarding (5 hours to Glasgow!). There was nothing interesting or stand out. I do see bizarre and interesting things though- A guy walking into the ladies toilets (seen this twice wtf), a women struggling to get off the train in heels- literally gripping the door and leaning against it in an effort to get down- and then proceeding to totter away across the platform (amusing, why wear those shoes if you cannot walk in them?), a guy almost getting stuck on a train leaving behind his wife and child who had already gotten off (thankfully the staff noticed and they delayed the train a moment to let him off), a couple arguing and the girl moving to sit away from her boyfriend and refusing to even look at him (he gradually got her to talk to him but she did not look happy), a train spotter with his camera poised and ready to take a picture of our departing train (I wonder why. It seems like such a boring thing to do. And if you are going to take a picture of a train- why a northern rail train? If I’d have to look at a train as something pretty I’d say Virgin trains or London Midland are far more good looking.)
➔ I’m glad this week of uni is over. Now I don’t have to worry about what to wear as I can sit around in my hoodie, guys t-shirt and sweat pants and NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE. I will not be cold or get wet or be struggling to stay awake during long lectures. I finished my coursework too so I don’t have much work to do.
I love this part of the week.
‘There will always be things to be afraid of,’ you say, ‘but you trust me, right?’ And, not knowing who to trust, how you can be sure people actually want what they think they do, my hands shaking, like always, I exhale, and I say yes. Anything to not always be so scared all the time. I think how people must like gambling so much because it’s exactly what life feels like when you think you have something to lose, even if you really don’t.
– YOU ARE AN OBJECT (source)
I’ve been going through old posts from 2009 and deleting them. I like to do this every now and then, for the purposes of not having cluttered archives going all the way back to whenever. Must say it’s so strange reading through these posts about me talking about thinking about university, going to open days, my grades and exams. I don’t think any amount of open days and research could have prepared me for how things have turned out. I hope that after this year my plans for the future will unfold the way that I want to. I’m scared, I admit. I wonder if in a year I’ll be looking back at these old entries with the same sense of idk- bitterness? I don’t know. I can almost see where I went wrong though- was I too lazy? But at the same time I’m not really sure where it went wrong. It’s not wrong anymore, of course. Things are working out. I guess what I’m feeling right now is that although I don’t mind taking the long road, I do want to end up where I originally planned. Lately I’m worrying about things. Last week I was completely down, both due to hormones and me worrying about things incessantly. I didn’t want to get out of bed or do anything. It was a pretty bad week. I was late to everything and I slept through my alarm and missed my train on wednesday- not even going to one of my lectures. I’ve since sorted myself out, I think. Or at least this week was a lot better than the last. I’m still afraid though. Because honestly? I’m quite comfortable right now, actually quite happy. And that is petrifying. I’m waiting for the moment it all falls apart. (It’s kind of sad; I don’t know what it’s like to live without some kind of fear and worry.)
But back to right now. University is going OK. I think I’m settling into the routine. I have no friends but it’s not like anyone is unfriendly and I’m only in 3 days a week. The commute is killing me in many ways- because it’s long and I have to get up so early some days and it tires me out. Also public transport can be shitty with unexpected delays and cancellations which do nothing for my mood. My schedule is light though and I have a lot of time to catch up on sleep! Next week I have a test on Monday which I hope I’ll do well in, as it’s all fairly basic maths which I should know, and my first piece of coursework due in one Friday.. Other things I’m doing right now are a lot of nothing/the usual wasting time on the internet crap and I have started to learn for my driver’s theory! Tonight coming home from shopping my dad pointed at all the signs and road markings and I was surprised how much I knew without actually learning. I do need to get hold of the right books and do research into test dates for that. I want to at least pass my theory test this year. Also I put an application in to work at a local pub. I don’t think I’ll get it but at least I tried. I want to at least try this year. Even if I end up embarrassing myself or even if things don’t work out, I want to at least try.