Welcome! Honest Lies is the personal site of a 26 year old graduate electrical engineer living in the UK. Covering every day life, books and various other randomness. Read more about me and the site here.

procrastination

I was cleaning the kitchen earlier when it hit me- just how much I’m one of those people who will do everything in her power to put something off to the last minute. The only reason I was cleaning the kitchen was because it had gotten to the point where there was no workspace left and I was drinking juice out of mugs because all the cups were dirty. Its the same with other chores. I’ll only clean my room when there isn’t a clear pathway from the door to my computer (aka you cannot walk from end to the other), I’ll only sort out my clothes if I can’t find that one top I know I have but yet cannot see anywhere, I’m only contemplating cleaning the bathroom because there is some weird green stuff by the tap and it looks kind of gross. I am not unclean but I am far from clean. I will do the chores, but I will put them off as much as I possibly can. I don’t just do them for the sake of it, I wait until the mess cannot physically be ignored. If that makes me a little gross and horrible to live with then fine but its not like nothing gets done. it all gets done eventually.

Eventually. I am quite incredibly lazy. And an expert in the art of procrastination.

I am like this in other aspects. I finished my violin lessons earlier this year around September and I promised to keep in touch with my music teacher. I felt a bit nervous about what to say in the email and I got a bit worked up about it so I put it off and thus I have only just emailed her- in December. That’s what- nearly 3 months? :| I was learning to drive this year, just my theory nothing more, but I grew to dislike it so I took a night off and now it’s been about a month and I haven’t touched it again and most likely  I’ve forgotten the little I did learn. When it comes to uni work I procrastinate and put it off until oh shit the deadline is only a week away and then I panic a little and rush to do what I need to do. I am not entirely sure this is the right approach to take- especially when it comes to revision. The worst thing that comes from not cleaning the kitchen is having to drink juice out a mug instead of a cup, but bad things happen when you put off university work. Things like failure. I have an exam in January. Somehow all I can think is ehh, it’s January. it’s ages away.

My attitude to exams and revision is terrible, even after all this time.

So note to self: DO YOUR DAMN WORK. January is not that far away. Just look at how quickly December came and is currently going.

  • Listening To: KARA- Jumping [REX R. Remix]
  • mood: lazy


T-ARA, Like the First time – Currently hooked on this song. It’s different. The song is sexy and mature without being desperate about it/throwing it in your face. I really hate the rap section though- it sounds so out of place. It also kind of takes away some of the individuality of the song and reminds me of how formulaic kpop is; even if the sound changes the basic structure is the same :| I also think the MV is dissapointing. It has nothing to with the song for one, and I hate the sort of story line is depicts for two. Still- nothing can change my love for this song- its addictive as anything. XD

Books II

I have recently been devouring the Kate Daniels series by Ilona Andrews. When I say devour I mean it- I’ve been staying up until 3am because I literally could not put these books down. They are some of the best urban fantasy I have ever read and I urge you to read them. I love the world that Ilona Andrews has created. I like how gritty these books are and the careful balance between mystery, action, supernatural, romance and dark comedy. I adore the characters. Kate is an incredible heroine and Curran is her match. Their relationship is fantastic and drawn out over the books in a way that is frustrating in the best possible way and when finally they finally start getting together in Magic Bleeds… Well, I actually laughed at one point. I actually had to put the book aside for a good 5 minutes so I could double up with laughter. I rarely laugh because of a book. Kate and Currans relationship is all kind of hilarious though, and at times romantic and other times painful. There is very little wrong with these books. I am however currently very sad as last night I finally finished Magic Bleeds, which means no more Kate Daniels for me. :( I have been reading these books for weeks and am immersed in the world of magic ridden Atlanta. That’s the thing about reading series and enjoying this much, you get so wrapped up in it that you actually kind of miss it once its over.

Next up: The Dark Angel Trilogy by Meredith Pierce. I read Dark Angel years ago and enjoyed it and only now have I finally got hold of the rest of the series. I actually got hold of them ages ago but I’ve been putting it off quite simply because when I had university I did a lot of my reading on the train which means I had to be reading books I could take on the train. The Dark Angel Trilogy are big , bulky hardcovers so I set them aside for the holidays. I hope the second and third books are as good as the first.

—

You know I have no idea when this blog turned into something I post my thoughts on books and films. It’s just kind of how things have turned out seeing so I have no life at the moment so there is nothing else I can post about. I am free from university and have become very lazy because of it. I read until insane hours of the morning and sleep until midday, I eat too often and all the wrong things, I spend too much time on the computer. Mainly I am enjoying the fact I don’t have to go outside as it’s rarely above freezing. I am loving every second of this break and yes, a small part of myself hates myself for wasting time but another part of myself is happy, relaxed and revelling in the fact that for the first time in weeks I don’t have insanely dark rings under my eyes. :/

  • Listening To: T-ara - Why are you being like this?
  • mood: relaxed

like grains of sand
Watched Grains of Sand tonight. It has been on my too watch list for an insanely long time but I kept putting it off. Currently I have a lot of free time and a lot of motivation to distract myself as much as possible so I have been catching up on said too watch list. Tonight I decided to watch this movie.  I wasn’t sure what to expect of it but I wasn’t expecting to enjoy it as much as I did. The film dragged on at first but once it got going it was engrossing and moving. It was very minimal, barely an OST and very much slice of life.  The depiction of Japanese teenagers is true to life in an almost painful way- there’s no glamorous angst or ridiculous plot lines. Just teenagers on the brisk of becoming adults struggling to deal with themselves in real circumstance. I will admit it was difficult to really grasp what was going on at points and I almost hated the end. Much like eternal summer there is no set beginning, middle, end. You’re sort of stuck into the middle of the story, left to figure it on your own and there is no set resolution. Thankfullly due to Eternal Summer I am no longer as frustrated with open endings anymore. Also it’s got to be said Hamasaki Ayumi in this film is so young and a surprisingly good actress. I wonder why she did not go into acting.

Lastly- this film was surprisingly like Eternal Summer. The triangly between 2 girls and a boy, the scene on the motorbike, the ending scene at the beach. Ok so I can only name three things. Still. The difference I think is in how less sexual grains of sand is and how much more real it feels, Eternal Summer felt somewhat detached from reality compared to grains of sand which is firmly rooted in the real world, and the real world plays a crucial part in how things played out.

So yeah. Grains of Sand became an instant favourite. I will be watching it again some time to see what else I can pick up that I may have missed before. :D

“All these things that should make me stronger only hurt me”

I’m feeling really tired of myself right now. I’m tired of blurting out stupid things, I’m tired of not knowing when to shut up, I’m tired of being awkward, I’m tired of being shy. I wish I was one of those people who knew what to say and when, who knew how to carry a conversation, who knew what things are best left unsaid. I am so far from that person: I’m an awkward little fucker and I hate myself for it. It’s not cool or funny to be socially awkward, it is stressful and depressing, living each day with so many regrets, so much damn if only I said that instead of what I did or If only I didn’t say that. I can’t help but get worked up over it because that’s the sort of person I am- I worry and I regret and I am unreasonably harsh on myself. I beat myself up over small things and turn mountains into mole hills. Most of the time I deal with it, I force myself to rationalise my thoughts, move on and let go, but sometimes I get tired and it all catches up to me and I just want to curl up and sleep and hope that when I wake up it will all magically be better.

On Tuesday I had a presentation to give with a few other people in front of our group and I got so nervous and I messed up, I know I did and most likely let my group down. Later that day I met up with one of my friends from highschool to go to the cinema and it was supposed to be brilliant but it all went wrong. First I was late and then it was even more awkward between me and my friend than I remembered and it wasn’t her fault the evening sucked, it was all me. I just didn’t know what to say or how to act. Yesterday, I had my last day of university. The night before I was sad and I hated myself and I thought to myself that I’d like it very much just to sleep and not bother to go in on Wednesday for my morning lecture. I didn’t want to see anyone. I set my alarms anyway and told myself to stop being stupid, that I can’t miss lectures just because I feel a little down. Come Wednesday I woke up at midday with the vague sense of waking earlier- I slept through my alarms and missed the last day of semester 1. Not so secretly I was relieved. Yesterday and today I spent indoors wasting time, glad to be able to avoid people and responsibility. I can look forward to this peace of being by myself for a good few weeks more until Semester 2 starts next year and it all starts again- having to deal with the world and all those people it contains. It stresses me out and I hate myself for it.

  • Listening To: Mirage of Blaze OST
  • mood: sad

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