Welcome! Honest Lies is the personal site of a 26 year old graduate electrical engineer living in the UK. Covering every day life, books and various other randomness. Read more about me and the site here.

The day I panicked

Had my last exam on Tuesday. Physics. It wasn’t amazing. The paper was really difficult :x There was this one stupid question too which asked us to explain a line from a Katie Melua song. WTF physics, stop trying to be cool. Anyway, it was just really hard and sneaky. I felt like there was something I wasn’t quite getting and I lost a load of marks simply not being able to answer questions because I had no idea what they were asking. And by the end I was just writing whatever came to mind, rambling like a crazy idiot. Meh. I lost any will to do well after how horrible maths went. :| It was also kind of awkward afterwards because as I was heading towards the toilets my physics teacher was there outside the science faculty office, which is located near the toilets. So I lowered my eyes and snuck past, as she was thankfully occupied. But as I came out the toilets she was there talking to a couple of other boys in my year and I got cornered. I said hi and told her it didn’t go well. She turned to the other boys and they were talking about the exam and I did not want to hear what they put (as it was likely different from what I did and they were cleverer) so I just snuck away without saying anything. Probably a little rude but I didn’t care. I was hungry and the exam sucked and I just wanted to go home and eat cake. Which I did.

Today I had my Grade 6 violin exam. 4:26pm. My dad took me at about 3:15pm because the place was really far. I was not nervous until about two hours before when suddenly I just became absolutely petrified. My dad was really sweet and  bought me some chocolate beforehand because I was nervous. ^_^ It was really hot today and being stuck in the car was not fun. It did remind me of last year when my dad took me to all the university open days. Even though going on university open days proved useless as I realised too late I couldn’t get into those universities, those long drives with my father and spending time with him was kind of nice, if not for being stuck in traffic in a hot car for hours on end. Similar situation today as it was again those kind of high temperatures. We had the windows down the whole way. We ended up arriving there early. I made my dad test me on my scales and then I rambled on about how nervous I was and past exams because I was super hyped up on anxiety. My dad was no use in calming me down.

My exam went terrible. I was too nervous. I felt slightly shaky and hot (sweaty), and my fingers weren’t doing what I wanted them to. I messed up on my pieces, really stupid little things I shouldn’t have done and then I got even more nervous and worked up from those mistakes. After playing my pieces the examiner gave me 5 minutes before moving on to scales, and it didn’t do anything to calm me. I got really shaky and I couldn’t think properly which meant everything else went wrong throughout the rest of the exam. I just couldn’t get myself to play properly because I felt so nervous and I kept dwelling on my mistakes. Basically I panicked. By the end of it I felt like crying. I was worried about forgetting my scales or not being able to tell what cadence it is- I did not prepare for the reality that nerves would be what fucked it all up.

Man, I feel so bad. This exam was so costly for my parents. And we had to travel so far to get there. And then I just messed it up. And I shouldn’t have because I practiced and I knew it. I should have done better. But I got nervous and I panicked. fml.

Afterwards I complained to my dad and made him buy me a mcflurry. We drive all the way home again and I had about five minutes to myself before I was out the house again. I ended up being stuck in the car again (and it was HOT gdi) going all the way to Manchester to take my sister to the station, and go grocery shopping afterwards. I only got home after 9:00pm and the majority of the day was spent stuck in the car, hot and tired and by the end feeling vaguely sick. 100 miles. I am so exhausted right now. Though I feel more sorry for my dad, who had to drive here there and everywhere.

Anyway. Lets end the post with optimism. I am actually pretty happy right now, the huge amount of chocolate I’ve eaten is probably to blame but life is pretty good right now. I no longer have to revise, and spend 40-60 minutes a day playing my violin. I turn 18 in 15 days which means I will finally be a legal adult (and catch up with my friends!). For my birthday I am going to Leeds and I shall go clubbing with my sister (My best friend was supposed to come too but she can’t ;__; ) who shall take me to all the good places. I will get at least tipsy for my birthday. I may end up totally wasted- and finally discovers what sort of drunk I am :D Still, I shall have alcohol. and it will be legal. And then I’M GOING TO JAPAN for 10 days. So yes. Although there is still that underlying worry and stress because don’t know how exams went, things are looking good right now.

Japan 2010

Tokyo Sunset by AltusJAPAN HOLIDAY IS BOOKED. 26th July-4th August. Plane tickets booked, tour booked, and found a good company to rent a cellphone from (I get to play with a Japanese cell for 10 days! My phone was the latest model in 2005. I am so happy to get hold of some modern technology!). Japan has always been this distant dream of mine, something I only saw in photos, read about and imagined. I never prepared myself for the reality I would actually end up going there. I am scared to be excited, because then I’ll expect things and most likely end up dissapointed but… I AM SO EXCITED DESPITE MYSELF. I need this holiday, and I need it to be by myself.


My Dad went to Switzerland for a couple of days on business and of course he brought us back a little something. He brought back chocolate. Swiss Chocolate. Really, it is amazing.

Anyway, Thursday and Friday were the second to last and last days of school respectively. We were still on timetable but lessons were lazy and teachers weren’t as bothered with our behaviour.

(Details on Thursday and Friday)

The last lesson yesterday everyone was off timetable and we gathered in the big drama studio for our last assembly together. It involved speeches by our head of year, bad dancing by a group of the boys- including dancing to S CLUB 7 (remember them? :P)– and games. It was OK, amusing in parts though I had a headache by the end as it was so loud. And I mean I don’t even know half of the people in my year! Though at the end of the day I know of them. If that makes any sense. There is a certain familiarity, and it’s strange to think that next year I’m not going to be part of that year group, I’m going to be surrounded by totally different people. Absolute and utter strangers.

There’s something safe about the way everything is now. Sometimes it’s maddening, the whole routine, how nothing ever changes, being surrounded by people you often wonder what the hell you have in common with (are they really friends?). But it’s safe, comfortable at the same time. ‘The comfort zone.’ But that’s over. Either next year if I get the grades I’ll be off in university, different place, new degree, surrounded by strangers or I’ll have to repeat a year and have to familiarise myself with the lower year group, who are also pretty much strangers which will be slightly more in the comfort zone, but still a little out. Everything’s changed. Last day of school is over. Seven long long long years been at that school, and it’s all coming to end.

It’s strange how quick everything is going. Time is passing really quickly, no matter how slowly it feels like it should be going.


Today I had my Italian listening test. It was kind of weird. I’ve never done an language at GCSE or A level so I didn’t know what to expect. It seems to do a listening test you get a laptop with headphones, and the CD with the test plays through the laptop whilst you still answer in a paper booklet. It was quite interesting. But typically mine was the CD that didn’t play, resulting in an awkward 5 minutes at the beginning waiting for someone to come fix it. Once the test finally began it was OK. Everything worked. The actual act of answering the questions was not amazing and I’m not expecting much from my results.

To be honest I didn’t really care.

I felt terrible this morning. Actually I’ve been feeling terrible since Friday. My anemia was showing signs of improvement, but by Friday I was dizzy, nauseous, had a headache, tired. The whole works. By about midnight Friday I could barely focus I was so dizzy and I honestly thought I was going to start throwing up. Did not feel nice at all. It didn’t improve of the weekend and when I woke up today it was much the same. I dragged myself in for the exam and just did whatever, not even caring (strangely I’d been worried about it over the weekend but when push came to shove I was feeling to crappy to actually care). I was so grateful when the exam was over. I called my mom and asked her if I could come home and she said yes. I did come home with plans to do some revision, spend the day usefully because I just felt a bit rubbish, I wasn’t dying or anything. I just couldn’t face being in school, all the noise and being around people.

However I ended up coming home, having some breakfast and then lying down on my sisters bed (it’s sunnier in her room :D)and pretty much not moving for almost 5 hours. I stared into space, read a lot and attempted to nap. I couldn’t really sleep because something kept waking me up ¬_¬ But lying down reading in the sun was so relaxing and for once my mind wasn’t in 10 places at once which was an amazing feeling.

(I’m also happy to say I finally finished two out of three books I’ve had ongoing! Lately I haven’t been able to concentrate so I rarely read. But I finished them! The magicians by Lev Grossman, which I love and is absolutely beautiful and I highly recommended it (seriously, read it!).And Grotesque by Natsuo kirino which may be one of the few books which squicked me slightly, and also had a really lame ending and was kind of just OK. Nothing amazing, but interesting in parts.)

After 4 and a half hours of reading and resting, unable to sleep, I just felt really bored. So I got up and went on the computer. Still did nothing productive and still lovely. Not to worry about anything, not to think of anything and just rest like that.

I don’t know why but it’s different than the weekend. On the weekend I always have to battle my conscience telling me I should be doing this and that, and it’s hard to relax. But taking a day off I don’t feel that guilt. There’s nothing I should be doing because I have made the decision myself not to do anything. Sort of like “I am ill and I am going to rest. Try and stop me” If that makes sense. I’ve done no work today, and I’ve not felt guilty for it. Well, I almost feel guilty but I won’t allow it. Today was my day off. To rest, read, sleep, and not worry about everything. I feel relaxed and happy now. I needed today.

Though must say, feel better emotionally but don’t feel much better physically. I can’t take any more time off though, and really being ill is so boring might as well go into school. ^^

P.S: New Layout! Yes, it is bright green. : )