feelings – Page 10 – Honest Lies

“All that we’ve amassed, Sits before us, shattered into ash”

I woke up, looked at the clock, closed my eyes again. A moment later, opened my eyes and had to face the reality – I’d overslept again. What followed was a day just like that – struggling to keep on top of things, trying so damn hard but finding myself staring in disbelief at what is facing me.

Last week was not a good week. The horrible coursework was due and it was rush and a struggle to get the report written – my circuit was still crap, but I at least wanted to write a good report. Isn’t that the way of things – it goes wrong, so you talk about why and what you learned, try and turn your failure into something beautiful and motivational, try not to let it show how it hurt you or your own confusion over why it happened in the first place.

Anyway, last week. I was barely keeping myself afloat. The coursework was due, I had that horrible business module on Tuesday, a not so nice Japanese class on Tuesday evening as I’d been at uni since 9:30am due to the business module and was exhausted. Come that Thursday and I was going home for the weekend – wanting a break, even if being at home is actually quite stressful in a ways, at least its a change of scenery. I had that Thursday all planned out – get up early, prepare the house and pack, go into uni and submit my coursework, then go to my lecture, then to the station to wait for my train. What actually happened was I woke up late, rushed into uni, barely got my coursework done on time and submitted, rushed back home to get my house ready, have lunch, get packed, rushed back out to uni, realised my lecture had already taken place – I’d got the time wrong, this far into the semester and I’d got it wrong. I went to sit in a quiet place, attempting my breathing exercise, trying to get myself to calm down. But I’d had a horrible week and I felt everything pile up and I could have had a panic attack right then and there. Breathe, calm down. I drank some water, had something to eat, forced myself to just keep sitting, just stay there and not try to make any decisions whilst panicked. Quite a few minutes passed before I felt myself becoming calm enough to think over the problem at hand – do I go home again, or do I head straight to the station? The house was a mess and it was bugging me – did I have time to go back and do some last minute cleaning? Such a simple decision when I write it out, but to me then it was making me feel sick and shaky trying to make it. Once I start getting agitated, there’s no going back and even the simplest of decisions can make me feel panicked, terrified of the consequences. Breathe. I decided to stop rushing about, wasting money on the bus, wasting energy, causing myself to panic, and to just get to the station and focus on getting home. Just one simple task. I could manage that. I walked to the bus station, got the bus, and by the time I got to the station I was feeling remarkably better. Things started to look up – I was able to get an earlier train and it was fairly empty, quiet and so I worked on my thesis for a bit. At the next station I was feeling pretty good. Despite the fact it was raining and it was cold, I stood out on the platform to wait for my train, needing the fresh air. The next train was also quiet, I worked on my thesis some more, had supper, watched some dramas. By the time I got home everything was OK. My dad and my sister met me at the station and we went shopping before coming home.

And it turned out to be a nice weekend. I’d been a bit nervous – it always makes me nervous, thinking about being around my family, about being around people. But my family weren’t there most of the time so it was just me and my cat in the quiet house and that was great. And of course on Saturday I went out with my dad hiking and that really helped take my mind off things. I didn’t get that much work done though. On Sunday, I was back on the train again, heading back to uni. I wasn’t feeling so good – I was worried about work, as usual. I felt guilty for taking time off. But I was determined to make this week a good one. If I managed my time properly I could get things done. As if, its been another week of wanting desperately to fix things, but unable to quite push myself to make the necessary changes.

I feel so overwhelmed. On Tuesday I was reminded that I have a Japanese speaking test next week and a writing test the week after. Both of which I had forgotten about. And it hit me that April is right around the corner so my exams are a month away, and my group thesis first draft is due in two weeks but none of my group members have even finished their work. Everything is piling up and I’m not in the right head space to deal with it. I’m trying so hard just to stay afloat – but its not enough. Just getting myself to do half an hours Japanese revision or one question on a worksheet takes a ridiculous amount of willpower. And I cannot progress further. I find myself totally stuck. How on earth am I going to get through this?

The weird thing is, my therapy is going quite well. I’m facing certain things and working through them – but it does leave me feeling tired and emotional, and it takes away from me. Its really damn upsetting – facing these things, rather than denying them. I’m not feeling positive right now, and I have good days sure but they aren’t positive days – they are days where I am more willing to be positive. Where I can just about get up in the morning, eat my three meals and my two snacks, get a little, tiny bit of revision done and maybe if I’m lucky a bit of work on my thesis, send some emails I need to send. And not beat myself up about it – tell myself, at least you did that much, and tomorrow will be even better. But there are days where I think about all the deadlines and get caught up thinking of the future and how much everything means right now, how important it all feels, and I think to myself why even bother. Like, I cannot bring myself to do anything because it’s not good enough just that one question, just those 30 minutes, I need to do more, but I cannot do more, and just like that, becoming stuck and getting nothing done.

Its crazy – these drastic swings from up to down. It’s tiring. I’m still so close to just giving up.

Post Title: Bastille - Things we lost in the fire

“I wait for the even more dazzling days to come”

Spring seems to be making its arrival here in the UK. The weather is lovely right now – although its still chilly, the sun is out, and my university campus looks very cheerful now with all the spring flowers coming up. I’m glad not to have to bundle up when getting dressed any more- I walked home in just jeans and a t shirt earlier. Its a little brighter too – so its not too gloomy when I walk home. It’s refreshing.

University is strange right now – I feel like I’ve fallen into a bit of funk. Its like, I don’t really feel as if I’m at university right now. I’ve only got three modules, so I only have three lectures a week, all in the afternoon. That and two group project meetings. Plus a whole day for my business module once a week. I’m left with a lot of free time and I’m not managing it very well right now. Its so easy to sleep, and watch dramas, and read until the early hours of the morning instead. Especially since my lectures are in the afternoon. Its my own willpower required to get me up in the mornings and I do not have a lot of that to spare right now. Hence, why it doesn’t feel like university. I feel very detached from the things I need to get done. I feel very detached from things full stop. I think I may have burnt out last semester. All that anxiety and unhappiness, carried over from a whole year of it, and now I’m retreating, withdrawing. I’m not quite giving up, but I feel like I’m definitely wavering.

I’ve got two pieces of coursework due for my business module and I am 1000 words under the word count for both. I have managed to make some progress on a huge piece of coursework I have due in next week for another module, except that’s stalled now as I’m having problems with it and I’m worried I will not be able to finish it. I do not understand what I am doing, really, which makes it very difficult and time consuming. I gathered up courage and asked my lecturer for help the other day and he spent a good while trying to make me understand – but its not working out still which only increases my anxiety, and makes me put it off more. My thesis draft for my group project is due in less than a month and I haven’t even begun writing up the section I am supposed to do. I’m very bored of my group project,so even knowing how much it is worth in terms of my average I am struggling to motivate myself with it. My progress in Japanese is all over the place – I seem to be taking 10 steps back for every step I take forward with it. I have an exam coming up for it and I do not even want to think about it. Its very frustrating but I’m struggling to find the willpower to make the necessary changes. I’ve eased myself into a very relaxing state of being, or rather non-being, which is much more enjoyable than studying all the time. Its so much easier not do anything. To escape to dramas or books or the internet.

I’m supposed to be setting myself up with a good routine now and I have failed miserably at it and its getting me down. Every day I tell myself tomorrow I will do better, but that tomorrow never comes. I mean, I do have some good days where I can wake up at a decent time and get things done, and my eating is improving. However I’m mostly having bad days where I sleep in late and then just chill out for the rest of the day, putting things off until its “too late” to do them and although I am eating more and better- its still not structured enough which makes it more difficult setting up good eating habits. The more I fail, the more I struggle to motivate myself to improve.

I find myself thinking I want things to be easy, now. I question -why can we only gain things through hard work and suffering? Its juvenile but I think to myself that’s so unfair. And, of course, I wonder – what am I working towards? Just what have I gained through working so hard? The future and the dreams I’m working towards are still so far away, and uncertain. I feel restless and eager for change, even as I am terrified of it. I feel overwhelmed by thoughts of the future, but a certain keenness for my dreams to be realized already. Mostly I feel so aware that all my peers are moving forwards whilst I am not. I feel jealous of their success, childish again but I am helpless to it.

I know I need to be patient. I need to focus on the now. Take every day as it comes – and try my best to make each day worthwhile. Oh, thats cheesy isn’t it? But its true? There’s no use ruminating over the past or the future, when right now there’s so much that needs to be done. But even knowing this, I’m still unable to move forward, no matter how much I know I need to.

Mint

→ This post is really good – The Truth About Being Healthy [hint: it doesn’t look like Pinterest] To quote – “The biggest lie you’ve ever been told about building a healthier life is that it’s easy.”

→ I have been thinking about fitness lately. I was watching a drama and the heroine was at a gym class that looked really fun. I caught myself thinking I want to do that. I even found myself researching gyms in the area. I do not have a good history with sport though. I was always the last to be picked in P.E(Physical Education) throughout school and don’t even get me started on how much I hated being forced to have P.E every week for so many reasons beside, I started horse riding and was double the age than everyone there, and had half the skill, I tried badminton and archery, but everyone else at those clubs wanted to play seriously, and I just wanted to have fun. So I gave up. I admit I also tend to jump into it but become uncomfortable and then stop. I am always aware of the fact that I’m a certain age and I don’t have much experience of exercise – which makes it awkward starting new things, and with sticking with it when I can’t catch up quickly. But lately – I’ve been thinking of starting up something.

→ It all started with my commute to university. I have a long commute to university. I thought at the beginning of this semester that it would be a really good way of incorporating exercise into my daily routine – walking to uni, and walking back. One the one hand, I’m not sure its working out. I walk for an hour – at a pretty brisk pace. By the time I get to uni I’m hot, sweat soaked and uncomfortable. I take a change of shirt into university, but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m still sweating. I feel slightly self conscious because of it. I know I look flushed and tired. I also feel very limited by what I can wear – as I have to layer carefully so I can layer down and up as neccesary (as I get hot, then eventually become cold), and I have to be able to change in a cramped bathroom stall, and quickly, before university, and I have to wear flat shoes.

I also find it really tiring sometimes – walking there, walking back. Sometimes I’m so anxious that I cannot concentrate on audio books, and it becomes a long walk stewing in my own anxiety.

→ On the other hand, I also think its really good for my anxiety, and this is why I have been thinking about starting something. During my exams I would sit through the exam panicked, feeling tearful, seriously thinking about harming myself, but afterwards a long, fast paced walk set to furious rock music really helped me calm down to a certain extent. I think its good to have that time to work all my anxious thoughts, and burn them off.

→ I do not want to lose weight. OK, I do. But I’m trying to reign that in. If I do take action in regard to my fitness, it will be for my mental and physical well-being and I will not get excessive about it. I admit this is also holding me back – I’m scared that I’ll pretend to solve my eating disorder, by flipping to another extreme – controlling my diet excessively and exercising obsessively. Its hard to know where the balance lies. And its because I feel like I do not know where to draw the line that I also hesitate. I tell myself I’m interested in fitness for the reasons above – but there is that voice telling me I need to be thinner. That I’m not doing enough to restrict my eating so I need to start exercising more. Yeah. I need to deal with that first, I think. Then I wonder – am I using this as an excuse? Because I’ve not quite come to terms with my eating disorder – I still feel a lot like I’m making a big deal out of nothing, and I’m not sure where I stand with my relation to food and to my body image. So either way, I probably should be careful at this point, but I do wonder at what point it would then be a good point to start. Its only a mild eating disorder after all, but I’m scared of making it worse – of making myself worse, almost as if I feel the need to make it worse to justify it. It adds a slightly messy, uncomfortable complication to this thought of I want to do that.

→ I do really like that I feel like I am becoming fitter. After years of anaemia, I became used to always feeling tired and out of breath, dizzy even after exercise (by which I mean, even 10 minutes of walking or walking up the stairs). After my iron levels returned to normal I was pretty saddened to find that I did not magically become OK, as I mentioned in a previous post. But its getting better! There are two routes to my university lectures – one is slightly longer, but flat. The other is shorter but filled with hills. I usually chose the flat route as it was easier for me – the hills on the other one tired me out too much. When I was anaemic, it would make me dizzy and tired. Today I walked the hilly way and I felt slightly more tired – but I didn’t feel feint or out of breath – I wasn’t gasping for breath, or panting at all. It was pretty good. [Well, I’ll be honest. It was amazing. It was like that time I found myself running and I felt OK.] It makes me feel hopeful that I am building up a certain level of fitness. Which is good as I am still aiming to climb a mountain this summer, and I don’t want to feel so exhausted as I did when I climbed Mt. Tarumae and Mt. Helvellyn last summer.

Then again, I’m not getting any elevation training right now, which is a problem.

→ I really do want to go walking again – properly. I am thinking about signing up to another of the university rambling society walks – but it feels kind of awkward, after not going for so long. There is also the weather to think about – beautifully sunny and warm one day, then suddenly raining, then suddenly windy, its all over the place. and then there is also money – its £9 per walk for the society and I just cannot afford that. I am going to dinner with my father on Wednesday and I am going to casually suggest we meet up to walk in the peak district together – I can get a train for about £3 which is marginally better. There is still the weather though. I love walking. I want to do more of it, but its not the most convenient of sports – its location based, time consuming and highly weather dependent, unless you get really hardcore about it and are willing to walk in any weather imaginable- which I am really, really not.

→ So I think for now, after all that, I’ll stick what I’m doing. I’ll keep walking every day despite the annoying aspects of it, try and focus on climbing a mountain in the summer, and once I get a bit further into my counselling I’ll see about taking further steps. And it won’t be through joining a club or a gymn – I’ll like, buy myself some fitness DVDs or something that I can do privately whilst I ease into it. Yes, I think thats the plan. I think thats a good plan. Its hard to know.

→ I cannot believe I just wrote over a thousand words about fitness. I must really be growing up. XD

” I don’t know what to expect, I don’t know what’s coming next”

→ I got my results on Thursday. I was such a mess beforehand – I was terrified, what if I failed? What then? I felt a horrible kind of certainty that I had failed. I’d panicked during my exams, I had struggled, I had left so much blank. I was definitely expecting the worst. We could have got our results from our tutors on Wednesday – but I felt too terrible about it all to face him. Everyone was talking about their results and how well they had done and it only made me more nervous, more afraid. So I wasn’t planning to check them online on Thursday either – I was going to put it off as long as possible. I wasn’t ready. I didn’t want to. But I got home from uni on Thursday and I felt so angry at myself and at how pathetic I was being, I just wanted it to be over. So I opened up the university portal, took a deep breath and clicked “my marks.” I was shocked at what I saw. I had passed. Not only had I passed but I had done well. One low grade pulled my average down but otherwise it was OK. It was OK. I was so happy. But mostly relieved.

→ I’m still job hunting and it still does not go well. I feel a bit better that at least my grades are still good but it feels sometimes like even with high academic achievement its still not enough. I am probably not going to be able to do an internship this summer, which I can deal with, but it brings up interesting questions about what will happen when I actually need to get employed after university. I was talking to a friend the other day and she suggested that maybe these kind of jobs weren’t for me – that I should in future go for smaller companies. I think she has a point but the thing is – I want those big companies, those amazing graduate schemes, to be for me. I wasn’t supposed to do engineering – but here I am. I wasn’t supposed to live abroad – but I did that too. I don’t care about what my personality dictates would be easier for me. Fuck my shyness and my anxiety and all those things. I want to become really, stupidly successful anyway. I want to go as far as I can go – the 2:1 masters degree in engineering, a competitive graduate job. No matter how exhausting it is, I just keep on pushing myself because I have this dream, these goals, and I want to prove to myself, and OK, to others, that I am capable of fulfilling them. But with that comes the doubt- am I capable?

→ It was really great meeting up with my friend. Its so good to talk to someone who you can be totally honest with – someone who you can say I’m not OK and they will listen and understand. Nonetheless, I wonder if I have become a burden to her for relying on her like this.

→ I wish I could say I felt better now that results have come through. Everything is OK, right? But I have no confidence. Every time I succeed I feel relieved, I feel blessed – like it’s just luck. I’m still afraid of that luck running out. Its not like life just stops once you achieve something – there’s always more that needs to be done. That, to me, needs to be conquered. That’s how my life seems to have become – always fighting (myself) to get anything done. I still have a thesis to write, and three more modules to succeed in, and Japanese to finally put some effort into. But I’m so tired. Its exhausting me – all this anxiety, all this fear, all this doubt. Don’t give up now, I tell myself. Don’t give up. Lately, it falls on deaf ears. I am not working hard enough right now – I need to get on with example sheets and assignments and I’ve fallen behind so badly on my thesis research, but its so hard to care. I am beginning to lose the will to fight. I used to think if I just worked hard enough it will be OK but job hunting has made me question. What if its not enough? What if after everything, I cannot end up where I want to be? This is why its probably dangerous to set yourself so many goals, and to become so fixated on achieving them. But I cannot get through without something to work towards either…

→ I had my last doctors appointment this week. I waited for 59 minutes for what was essentially a check up. It was so pointless and awkward, but he didn’t suggest I come see him again, and so I am gratefully relinquished from that. I saw the psychologist for the first time about my eating disorder too, and that was terrifying. The appointment was long and it was painful. At one point she asked me about my depression and that was the worst. I cannot remember, you know. I’m clinging onto all this stuff as a result of that, but I cannot even remember what it was like. Its just like this…incredibly dark period of time. I remember feeling exhausted, sad and angry but I cannot for the life of me remember why. Am I supposed to remember? Does it make my depression lesser that I cannot pinpoint some great tragedy that brought it about? Was I making a big deal out of nothing? Its been years, and everything is kind of hazy. Anyway, we talked about a whole range of stuff and she gave me some things to take away and work through. I’m trying to throw myself into it but again, there is this fear and this anxiety and this doubt. and well, embarrassment too. Its really fucking embarrassing. There is definitely a part of me that regrets going down this path – Am I doing the right thing? Am I making a big deal out of nothing? Have I made the right treatment choices? Do I go on medication? But I don’t want to go on medication – I’m so afraid of going on medication. Am I just making myself miserable? All these kind of thoughts spiral through my head. But telling myself to stop it just doesn’t work you know? I can recognise my bad thought patterns and my bad coping methods but I cannot help myself. I feel so out of control.

→ I’m still really struggling. At least its not reflected on my grades any more. Last year it was reflected on my grades. And it was terrifying – was I going to fail again? But…maybe it is OK now. Maybe. I just have to find the strength, somehow, to get through this semester. And try not to think too hard about the future, to not worry about the future, while I’m at it.

Post Title: Olivia - Sailing Free

“Someone seems to have painted my heart with repeated strokes and made a mistake”

Edinburgh Castle

View of Edinburgh from the castle
Misc pics of inside of Edinburgh Castle
Scottish Parliament
Palace of Holyrood House
Holyrood Abbey

From top to bottom: Edinburgh Castle, Scottish Parliament, Palace of Holyrood House, Holyrood Abbey

I’m again writing this on the train. It is really busy and noisy and I have the beginnings of a headache. I’m fairly sure the woman sitting next to me is reading this as I write, though I may be being paranoid.

My last day in Edinburgh was very nice although the bitterly cold weather, and the fact that it was my last day, put a slight damper on things.

I headed out to the castle first thing and got there just a little after it opens at 9am, except for some reason it was only going to open at 9:30am that day. So I stood and waited in the freezing cold – the temperature had plummeted even more, and the wind was beginning to pick up. Eventually we were allowed in and I entered eagerly and wondered up to the upper ward. Then, an alarm suddenly went off. We were ushered outside to a particular area by the staff, and so there was more waiting around, stood in the cold. After a little while we were given the clear to go exploring some more, and by this point the castle was busier, which was a shame – I had come early in the hope I’d have a little time where the castle wasn’t too busy. Nonetheless I spent the rest of the morning wondering around the castle. It was nice but a little disappointing – I think the expensive entrance fee had meant I’d gone in with too high expectations!

After the castle I walked down the Royal Mile to the Palace of Holyrood House. The Royal Mile consisted mostly of tourist shops selling anything tartan and/or woolen you could ever need. The palace itself was quite interesting. It was strange to think of anyone living there though – the place was cold, dark and slightly grim. The audio guide was also really disappointing – it kept ending by telling you to ask the staff for more information, why not have more information on the guide itself? The Abbey was lovely though – very beautiful and slightly haunting. The Queens Gallery was a bit disappointing – it was not my kind of art style and I regretted paying for it. I left the Palace and went back up the Royal Mile, looking for a museum that I’d randomly spotted on the way down, that had looked interesting. I did not find it on the way up, though I did find a nice shop that sold dairy free (for me) and non dairy free (for a relative) shortbread. I then decided to head back along the mile in search of that little museum, and found it, just a little way away from the palace i.e the end of the mile. Nice going, self. It was worth going to the effort though – the museum was the very small “The People’s Story.” Over three stories it had a variety of interesting displays on crime, punishment, work and play of the “ordinary people of Edinburgh.” It was fascinating to read about the dramatic changes over the last century especially. I had not seen this museum mentioned on any tourist sites and I was very glad I’d found it.

Afterwards I went back to the hotel – the wind had picked up and it was bitterly cold. I was tempted to stay in and order room service, but the room service menu was not appealing, so I rested a little, warmed up, and then dragged myself back out. I was glad I made the effort. I went to a korean restaurant. It was my first time eating Korean food since I went to Korea- back in 2012! The food was delicious and the service was really good – they gave me not one, but two freebies with my meal, brought me water when I didn’t ask, constantly asked if the food was good. Really attentive and nice. I really enjoyed it. I was in high spirits as I left the restaurant but… as I walked back it hit me that it was my last night and a lot of my fears and, my anxieties came to the surface… Have I just been running away? I’m still so worried about…things. I’m not looking forward to going back to university, I’m not looking forward to exam results, or that phone call telling me I didn’t pass the interview. I’m still exhausted and messed up.

So many things on my mind. Now I’m on the train, and soon I’m going to have to face them all.

Post Title: 摩天楼オペラ - 月の砂

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