feelings – Page 18 – Honest Lies

But a part of me sometimes wants

In the last entry I was packing up and about to leave halls. Let me continue from there.

Packing up took ages. My dad came fairly late, and we ended up only finishing up and leaving at about half ten, eleven-ish. The car was pretty full, but this meant I got to have a duvet on my lap for the entire journey back which wasn’t so bad (read: gloriously warm). We stopped at McDonalds on the way back and I was all :D :D :D whilst my dad was clearly just trying to stay awake. It was surreal coming back home- a little bit because I had gotten kind of used to uni, but mostly for the silly reason that it had been snowing at home whilst at uni there had been no snow. At first there was just a light dusting but arriving home there was a thick layer of snow on the ground. It was unexpected :o Unpacking took a much shorter time and I was soon curled up in my own bed. The next day involved lots of organising and lots of washing, and then soon it became the usual of sitting around wasting time. I was home.

And time has just flown past since then. I can’t believe I’m now on the last few weeks of my Christmas break. I have spent the last few weeks sleeping until ridiculous hours, taking forever to get ready for the day just because I can, attempting to revise but mostly failing at it and lazing about taking advantage of having unlimited internet to watch lots of dramas. It’s been wonderful being able to sleep in every morning, to have a long hot mould-free shower, to eat whatever I want and when I want it, to have my cat around me. Of course my room is in chaos right now, with boxes and bags everywhere waiting to be packed up again, but that’s to be expected. I don’t go out much, so I can leave most of it packed.

Christmas itself was fairly quiet and uneventful. My sister invited two of her Chinese friends to spend Christmas with our family. They were polite and kind and it was a lot less awkward than I had feared it would be. It’s actually very interesting to be around people from such a vastly different culture than yourself. For Christmas I got some awesome presents, ate a lot of awesome food, played monopoly with my sister and her friends and lost miserably… all fairly ordinary and nice.

New years was not as nice as Christmas. It wasn’t bad, but it was awkward and exhausting and I wish I’d spent it at home with my parents and my cat and the internet. I actually spent new years with my old school friends and I was dreading it from the moment I agreed to go, and I can’t say it defied my expectations. Most of said friends I’ve only once or twice since we left school, if that. And we don’t have much in common and they are all so much more mature than me. They’re all second years, with houses, with busy lives and normal hobbies that are not watching Asian dramas or fangirling over fucking Korean boy bands with too many members. It wasn’t so bad, but I felt awkward and out of place. No, I’ve always felt awkward and out of place around them, and its only gotten worse. I was ready to leave by about midnight but ended up only getting home around 2am because I had to wait for my one friend to be able to take me back. :/ I am fairly sure I said some things I shouldn’t, and did some things I shouldn’t, because I always do.

I can’t say I feel particularly excited about the New Year either, which probably contributed to my melancholy at the New Year ‘s party. All the new year really means is that I now have exams in just two weeks. That I have to go back to university in two weeks and deal with all that stress again. I’ve enjoyed the past few weeks, but I think these next two weeks aren’t going to be nearly as relaxing. Now comes the part where every day exams creep closer, and every day is filled with anxiety about said exams. Here comes the regret for not being productive enough, for wasting time. I have been trying to revise but I honestly don’t feel like I’m really taking anything in. Which is maybe worse. Because I’m trying here, but still I’m not sure I’ll ever get to the level I need to be to achieve the things I want. I want to get good grades, but I just…I just don’t think I can do it. I honestly don’t think I am capable of getting the marks I want and I fear these exams will turn out my A levels, and that is not a good thing.

It’s heart-breaking to grow to want something, want it so much, when you’ll probably never get it.

I should end this entry on a more positive note, shouldn’t I? A belated merry Christmas, and happy new years to anyone who reads this blog. May the next year be awesome for you :D

Listening To: Daesung- Lunatic
mood: ill

room Tonight my Dad comes to pick me up as I am going home for the holidays. Living in university accommodation means I have to pack up all my stuff and move it out of my room for the holidays, even though I will be moving back into the exact same room next year. FUN. The picture shows my room after some cleaning/de-cluttering, but before I started to pack. My room may look messy there but believe me, it got worse. My room is in chaos right now. As I sit here behind me are boxes of my belongings scattered about. I have so much stuff to take back: my clothes, my two drawers, my chair, my computer, as well as a load of other things. Getting all this in the car could be interesting! The car was jammed packed when I moved here and I now have even more stuff so I suspect my dad may have to leave me behind to get the train home XD

I am just about ready to go home tbh. Even though I know that the holidays leading up to exam period are a hard part of being in education- having to motivate yourself to study, instead of having a set timetable to drag yourself out of bed for- I look forward to the comforts of home. University accommodation leaves a lot to be desired (oh the mould, mould everywhere!), and I”ll also be glad to be free of lectures and labs for a while. I really do have a tonne to work through for my 5 exams though (6, if you count my Japanese Exam). And I am still struggling with my degree. I do try and study, but even as I start to understand it I still don’t think I am at the level where I will get the grades I want on my exams and I worry that I never will be. I am scared of my exams turning out like the mess that was my A levels.

Right now I am a little stressed, a lot tired, and I want to be these things at home. I wish my dad would come get me already. I”ve had to watch other peoples parents come get them/other people go home since yesterday. Have been very jealous as I only finished uni at 3pm today! Oh, I am so ready to get out of here. Have been since Monday. Back to packing I go!

Take the light inside you like a blessing, like a knee in the chest, holding onto it and not letting it go. Now let it go.

University internet is painfully slow. My super fast intent at home has ruined me and I hate having to actually wait for pages to load! And yes, I am writing this sat in my new room in university halls. The summer holiday passed me by completely- spent mainly lazing around watching dramas and mindlessly surfing the internet. I did venture out for a trip to IKEA with my dad, and to Liverpool to go shopping (and a little reminiscing about the time I spent there), and to Manchester to meet with my sister and do even more shopping. Apart from that, nothing much. I also took a long break from the social network side of the internet- no blogging, or twitter, nothing. It was painfully boring, sitting around doing nothing, but relaxing and I knew then I’ll miss it and I know now I miss it. This whole moving business crept up on me in a way, sitting around at home it seemed so far away but then suddenly it was today and I was sitting in car piled high with all my stuff, driving to a completely new place, to start on a new pathway.

The drive was fairly painless- no traffic at all, so it took about an hour and a half. My dad took me down and we chatted a little, but mainly sat in silence. We did have fun spotting the other cars piled high with stuff on the same route as us. Arriving at the uni I checked in and received an information pack along with my student id and room key. My room was on the first floor, and I went with my dad to check it out before starting to unload my stuff. I was surprised at how large my room was. There is so much space in this place, though who knows how long it will last (of course) My room is at the end of the first floor, so there won’t be too many people walking by which is good. However it’s right next to the bathroom which is good as short distance for me, but bad cos I can hear everyone else going in there. Oh well. My room is large with plenty of space for all my stuff and that’s enough. I helped my dad unload the car. It took about four trips, where of course my dad took everything heavy and I took everything light. Finally everything was in my room. My dad left briefly to go park the car somewhere else and I set about unpacking. My dad came back and settled down to sort out my computer and I continued to unpack and organize all my things. We took a brief break for lunch only. My sister phoned too, and I chatted with her a bit. I finished all my unpacking in about 2 or 3 hours, and then I was left to chat with my dad. It started to hit me around then, that I was going to be all alone in this big room for the next year, in this city away from home, and I only then really began to feel like I could just sit and cry and cry. My dad left at around 3. I walked him to the car and waved him off, then came back to my room to listen to some sad music and I let myself cry, just a little. It’s weird, being in this new space, not having my parents around me, not having my cat around me (I really miss my cat).

I had a talk to attend, and then I came back to my room, then fire drill (where I finally said hello to the girl living in the room opposite me, and we got hopelessly lost coming back to our rooms cos we both suck at directions). Then back to my rooms to mope some more. Then dinner of awkwardness. I had to queue up ages to get my food, only to realize I was tired and sad and didn’t particular feel like eating. I left most of it; I just couldn’t bring myself to eat. The food was OK though, a decent enough choice of things. I sat by myself, opposite some other girl who I had been standing behind in the queue and we hadn’t spoken, so I assumed we could just continue to be around each other and not actually speak. Yeah, pretty awkward. But at least I could eat dinner quietly. Anyway, after supper more moping around. Then I had another talk to attend. On the walk to that talk I actually bumped into another engineering student, who is also in my hall, who is also a girl. I was so surprised, but I think she was too, cos that’s just way too many coincidences you know? Anyway, conversation fizzled out and I sat quietly to wait for the talk to behind. Talk over I came back to my room where I am about to make something to eat, put on my pajamas and watch some FRIENDS before going to bed. Early start tomorrow, and a day packed with lectures.

I am exhausted, a little sad, very terrified, very nervous and worried and maybe a bit excited. Mostly I am a whole bunch of negative emotions rn. This is all very, very scary. It’s just all so different.

Listening To: Coffee House OST
mood: tired

PARADISE LOST

I went through and cleared out my old review blog today, a year and then some after I should of done it. I had it on hiatus with the intention of updating it again or closing it down but eventually I just forgot about it. It’s all deleted now though.

I was looking through all my old reviews as I deleted them and they aren’t something to write home about, but some aren’t bad and I can just tell how much time I spent on them. I must of been crazy, writing those long paragraphs about every song on a 10+ track album. You know- I spent so much time writing them and they aren’t even that good. That kinda sucks. I’ m glad I finally wiped them off the Internet although wayback machine and google cache might still cling to it. After all the Internet never forgets, for bad or for worse. I’m sure I could find my very old websites, from 2005 when I believed I could make awesome graphics and neopets was still cool. Man, I don’t even want to know. It’s embarrassing thinking about all the websites I used to run, and the things I used to post, the user names and alias I used, and the terrible graphics I used to make and promote as if they were the ‘best thing ever!!!” gah. I hated my 13 year old self in so many ways.

Then again sometimes even looking at blog entries from a few weeks back makes me cringe and I find myself fighting not to just erase it. Sometimes I go through a phase where I hate my website entirely and I just want to erase it all. I am clearly too attached to this old domain that I a) think about these things at all and b) never actually get rid of it. Although I guess I did enjoy it all at the time. It was fun creating those graphics and writing those reviews. I used to love writing about the things I listened to and the things I read. It used to be a great way to take my mind off everything, and it’s not like I could talk to my friends about gackt or ayumi hamasaki or any of the artists I listen to. That remains the same so in a way I still do, enjoy the whole writing my opinions about media thing, but I don’t think I could ramble on like I did a year ago. I find it increasingly difficult to express my opinions, even in 140 words. Especially now. I’m not very confident in myself right now, with the approach of university and the start of my degree, among other things.

I do wonder when I will get tired of this blogging thing. It’s the one thing that has stuck with me, even as I got bored of the neopets and the graphics and the fanlistings and the reviews. Sometimes it’s awkward, sometimes I have ideas for a post but no matter what I write it all comes out weird and awkward. But it remains fun to maintain this blog, to write about my life and the things I like and scribble down all those thoughts. I guess as long as it remains something fun then I’ll keep doing it. Reviewing was no longer fun, and although I still enjoy playing around making crappy graphics its much more fun just to do it for myself than to share them on any website.

Listening To:: Kaya - Walkare

view from plane

I met up with my friends today, just for drinks at a local cafe, which was fairly chill and nice. One thing that did come up was my one friend has never been abroad, doesn’t even a passport. I always find that amazing. That people have never travelled, have never explored other parts of the world even if it is sitting on a beach for a week. I hate flying with a passion (try 12 hours on a plane with plane sickness aka severe nausea, dizziness and very little sleep so utter exhaustion), but I’m fairly used to it. Put it this way: I like going to new places, I just don’t like the process of getting there. Either way, I cannot imagine not having experienced being stuck on a dry aired, too cold/too hot, cramped plane for 12 hours wishing desperately for fresh air and land. I cannot imagine not having experienced travelling half way across the world in 16-24 hours, seeing the world in miniature from above and the shadows of the clouds on the earth, the rush of customs, the sinking feeling in the gut from a cancelled plane, the exhaustion and relief as you step through arrivals, the joy of experiencing a new place, the confusion of working with new currency, the intrigue of other cultures, different places. It’s not like I’m widely travelled either; I’ve actually been to more airports than actual places. But still. Travelling is good. I have spent the last month and one day abroad. And now, I have been back in the UK for a week. In some ways I’m struggling to get back into things. I feel tired and lazy. It’s somewhat odd being away for a month, doing all new and exciting and wonderful things, then coming back to the same old routine. Not bad, but strange. Probably quite good in many ways. For a holiday it wasn’t always relaxing. Not in a bad way, but it was busy and sometimes awkward and sometimes I just wanted to shut myself in my bedroom and chill by myself but I couldn’t cos I was always sharing space with somebody. But more on that some other time. I will write about the big holiday some other time, if I write about it at all. There are some memories, some thoughts, some experiences I like to keep close to my heart and not talk about here.

For now, I am back in the UK. I am 19 years old, my last year of being a teenager (as people love to say, as if I’ll magically turn into an adult when I’m 20). I am moving out of the house to go to university in September. My sister has graduated from university and is now looking for work, and I have no idea what kind of graduation present to get her. I am a little sad, a little angry, a little scared but mainly happy. The holiday was good for me. I had a mostly wonderful time being abroad, and now I am gradually slipping back into the old routine. I do in a way miss the family, and miss Cape Town, but not too badly homesick. Things are good right now. I’ve been catching up on the RSS feeds I follow, enjoying Internet shopping once more (Ebay <3), and watching the variety shows and dramas I wanted to (like material queen. omg SO GOOD. SO PRETTY. SO DIFFERENT.) I love having my cat around me again. I’m enjoying waking up late, goingg to bed late, and eating whatever I want without that horrible feeling of being judged by the relatives for my relatively poor diet. And I can eat chocolate again! And I don’t have to have 3 meals a day. Seriously, I eat like a bird. On holiday all I did was eat- from 4 course meals to tea times. Being on holiday is great but after a while it gets too much. By the last day in Harare I was desperate to get back- to my house, my cat, to the food I want when I want etc etc.

In many ways it’s good to be back. Very good to be back.

Listening To: Zooropa Yellow- U
mood: content

Tags

Categories

Archives

Blogroll