Honest Lies – Page 35 – "Okay, so I'm the dragon. Big deal. You still get to be the hero."

Welcome! Honest Lies is the personal site of a 26 year old graduate electrical engineer living in the UK. Covering every day life, books and various other randomness. Read more about me and the site here.

Books: January 2014 – February 2014

I have not been reading much lately, as evidenced below.

1) Eleonor and Park by Rainbow Rowell – This was lovely and bittersweet, and yet I never really connected to it. I feel disappointed not to have found the same magic in this book that everyone else seems to have.

2) Emotional Geology by Linda Gillard- This book took me by surprise – I was not prepared for how it would affect me. And I mean that in a good way. The setting was very unusual and I loved it. The writing took my breath away – the way it switches about, the gorgeous poetry. It comes together so well – and depicts the main characters fragility and bipolarity perfectly. The characters were fascinating and I loved their relationship. It was not one person saving the other, or fixing them, but accepting them, and accepting that it will be difficult with the baggage they carry, but wanting to give it a try nonetheless. You get the sense that they will make it work because of that. And that is what I ultimately loved about this book – the painfully realistic depiction of mental illness. This is probably only the second book I’ve read that really comes across like the author gets it. Gets how messy, ugly, damaging mental illness is, and the way it affects relationships, not always in a good way. How love and friendship can help, but cannot save nor fix, as so many other books would love to show. In the end, two very broken characters find understanding, acceptance and company in each other. Its beautiful.

3) Broken Homes by Ben Aaronovitch- I love this series but it has reminded me of why I do not usually pick up unfinished series. Reading these books makes me nervous. There are a lot of things being hinted at, a lot of interesting characters with back stories I’d kill to see explored more (read: Nightingale) so it makes me very nervous as book goes by without any more information. Just how many books will be in this series? Am I just going to be reading book after book waiting to see more background of my favourite character, only to be continually disappointed? I adore these books – the science-like magic, the characters, the mysteries, the villain, their unpredictability. (The twist at the end of this book really came out of nowhere in the best way.) But I want more Nightingale and I want more of his back story and of the back story of magic. At least in these books we got a hint of how magic works in other countries, although its still very Europe centric, and I also wonder what magic is like outside of London. So many questions, no idea how many books it will take to get answers. It always leaves me feeling a bit dissatisfied reading these books because of that.

Audiobook notes: Kobna Holdbrook-Smith absolutely brought this book alive. He was a wonderful narrator.

4) Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell – So I didn’t really like this book either. In fact – for admittedly personal reasons – this book made me fairly angry and annoyed at times. Nonetheless I did appreciate the lovely depiction of fandom and what it means to different people – and how it was never shown as weird. I think I enjoyed the Simon Snow book and fanfic extracts more than the actual story- it was very typical fanfiction but nice nonetheless. I was left wanting to read carry on, simon and everything by magiccath quite a lot.

“We are all going forward. None of us are going back.”

I cannot be the only one slightly startled at the sudden arrival of March? I know I say this often, but where on earth is time going? Someone once told me that university goes by in a flash, and it does seem to be turning out that way.

On Wednesday my father was in the area so he came to visit me. He arrived 3 hours earlier than he said – at which point I was on the bus coming home. It made me a little flustered to have no time to get myself or my house ready and to know he was there waiting whilst I was on the bus, which could take as much or little time as it wanted to get anywhere. (Typically, there was traffic and the bus stopped at every stop which only increased my anxiety.) Anyway, I got home and then we hung out for a bit – I made him some coffee and we chatted and it was a little awkward for a little while but then we made plans to go to IKEA before getting food and once we had a plan most of the awkwardness faded. I do not know why I feel so awkward around my father?

I guess lately I have been wondering – am I too close, too dependent on my family? Am I burden on them, because I am so shy and withdrawn, and therefore rely on them? I am acutely aware that I probably am too dependent on my family. At this age, I should be shifting my support network to a boyfriend or friends right? But I still find the first people I turn to are my sister and my father. I do not want to bother them and I don’t want to be a burden and yet, I need them to be there for me. Its probably selfish, isn’t it. I feel like such a burden to everyone – family, friends. I wish I could cut all ties and be independent – but I am not in a place financially or emotionally for it. Emotionally, I do not think I could ever be totally alone. I do not want to be totally alone. At the same time being around people can make me so anxious and can make me feel so bad about myself. I always, always feel like I’m bothering people and that they would rather be elsewhere.

Nonetheless it was pretty fun at IKEA – I admit, I love going around IKEA. I love dreaming of my future home – wall to wall bookcases, a big, beautiful kitchen with a fancy oven, walls filled with pictures, paintings and mementos of my travels. On one hand I dream of travel – leaving everything behind and going here for a couple years, there for a few years, another place, always new. On another I dream of a home – a place I can settle into and make my own. (I think ideally I’d like something in between – to travel occasionally, but to always have a place to come back to.) After IKEA we went to Nandos and embarrassed ourselves by not knowing how the system works – apparently you order at the desk, and get your own cutlery. Shows how often we go there! But the food was nice anyway. We went to the supermarket next, then back home. Before he left, my dad quickly made up some storage for me and helped hang up some pictures.

I wasn’t sure how much I wanted to settle into this house – I’m only here for a short while, but at the same time I do want it to feel comfortable. So I put up some noticeboards (well, my dad did), which I stuck up some pictures and some revision notes. I hung up a couple of calligraphy prints up on one wall. I then put some more pictures into frames and put them on my windowsill. Pictures of my sister and I on my 15th birthday, when she took me to see Dir en Grey, my father and I at the summit of a hill, I am pale and thin, but managing to smile nonetheless, pictures of Japan, a picture of Cape town, my family in front of Victoria falls, my sister and I laughing in the middle of the jungle in Thailand, totally relaxed because we do not know we were being photographed (I love that picture – I am usually awkward in pictures, but as I was not aware of the camera, I am actually smiling) It’s nice to have these things to look at – to have these beautiful memories there, in reach, something to hold onto.

I’m not feeling OK still but I can feel myself starting to feel hope that everything is going to be OK again – which is a good enough feeling. I was so scared, so anxious and so terrified of what that means. But I’m really getting stuck into my CBT now and everything has been put into perspective, and I’m working through it, and it takes the edge off it. I had another appointment with the psychologist this week and I have a plan of action now. Its really difficult – I have to try and create a routine, so to eat regularly. Bt I’m trying, I’m going to try.

Now, if only uni would go better. I have no idea, still, what is going on with two of my modules – and just 20 days until coursework is due for one of them. My group and I also have to start putting together our thesis, and I’m not sure how that’s going to turn out. I’ve also started my last module which is a business focused module which involves a 9am-5pm workshop involving group work and presentations and writing business reports afterwards and I don’t even know. I had the first on Thursday and it was not fun and I have two more sessions for it coming up and I am dreading it.

I’m really not enjoying university at all right now. I’m tired and I’m bored and at the same time, so anxious. I’ve just got to keep trying to move forward though.

Post Title: Richard Siken - Snow and Dirty Rain

Mint

→ This post is really good – The Truth About Being Healthy [hint: it doesn’t look like Pinterest] To quote – “The biggest lie you’ve ever been told about building a healthier life is that it’s easy.”

→ I have been thinking about fitness lately. I was watching a drama and the heroine was at a gym class that looked really fun. I caught myself thinking I want to do that. I even found myself researching gyms in the area. I do not have a good history with sport though. I was always the last to be picked in P.E(Physical Education) throughout school and don’t even get me started on how much I hated being forced to have P.E every week for so many reasons beside, I started horse riding and was double the age than everyone there, and had half the skill, I tried badminton and archery, but everyone else at those clubs wanted to play seriously, and I just wanted to have fun. So I gave up. I admit I also tend to jump into it but become uncomfortable and then stop. I am always aware of the fact that I’m a certain age and I don’t have much experience of exercise – which makes it awkward starting new things, and with sticking with it when I can’t catch up quickly. But lately – I’ve been thinking of starting up something.

→ It all started with my commute to university. I have a long commute to university. I thought at the beginning of this semester that it would be a really good way of incorporating exercise into my daily routine – walking to uni, and walking back. One the one hand, I’m not sure its working out. I walk for an hour – at a pretty brisk pace. By the time I get to uni I’m hot, sweat soaked and uncomfortable. I take a change of shirt into university, but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m still sweating. I feel slightly self conscious because of it. I know I look flushed and tired. I also feel very limited by what I can wear – as I have to layer carefully so I can layer down and up as neccesary (as I get hot, then eventually become cold), and I have to be able to change in a cramped bathroom stall, and quickly, before university, and I have to wear flat shoes.

I also find it really tiring sometimes – walking there, walking back. Sometimes I’m so anxious that I cannot concentrate on audio books, and it becomes a long walk stewing in my own anxiety.

→ On the other hand, I also think its really good for my anxiety, and this is why I have been thinking about starting something. During my exams I would sit through the exam panicked, feeling tearful, seriously thinking about harming myself, but afterwards a long, fast paced walk set to furious rock music really helped me calm down to a certain extent. I think its good to have that time to work all my anxious thoughts, and burn them off.

→ I do not want to lose weight. OK, I do. But I’m trying to reign that in. If I do take action in regard to my fitness, it will be for my mental and physical well-being and I will not get excessive about it. I admit this is also holding me back – I’m scared that I’ll pretend to solve my eating disorder, by flipping to another extreme – controlling my diet excessively and exercising obsessively. Its hard to know where the balance lies. And its because I feel like I do not know where to draw the line that I also hesitate. I tell myself I’m interested in fitness for the reasons above – but there is that voice telling me I need to be thinner. That I’m not doing enough to restrict my eating so I need to start exercising more. Yeah. I need to deal with that first, I think. Then I wonder – am I using this as an excuse? Because I’ve not quite come to terms with my eating disorder – I still feel a lot like I’m making a big deal out of nothing, and I’m not sure where I stand with my relation to food and to my body image. So either way, I probably should be careful at this point, but I do wonder at what point it would then be a good point to start. Its only a mild eating disorder after all, but I’m scared of making it worse – of making myself worse, almost as if I feel the need to make it worse to justify it. It adds a slightly messy, uncomfortable complication to this thought of I want to do that.

→ I do really like that I feel like I am becoming fitter. After years of anaemia, I became used to always feeling tired and out of breath, dizzy even after exercise (by which I mean, even 10 minutes of walking or walking up the stairs). After my iron levels returned to normal I was pretty saddened to find that I did not magically become OK, as I mentioned in a previous post. But its getting better! There are two routes to my university lectures – one is slightly longer, but flat. The other is shorter but filled with hills. I usually chose the flat route as it was easier for me – the hills on the other one tired me out too much. When I was anaemic, it would make me dizzy and tired. Today I walked the hilly way and I felt slightly more tired – but I didn’t feel feint or out of breath – I wasn’t gasping for breath, or panting at all. It was pretty good. [Well, I’ll be honest. It was amazing. It was like that time I found myself running and I felt OK.] It makes me feel hopeful that I am building up a certain level of fitness. Which is good as I am still aiming to climb a mountain this summer, and I don’t want to feel so exhausted as I did when I climbed Mt. Tarumae and Mt. Helvellyn last summer.

Then again, I’m not getting any elevation training right now, which is a problem.

→ I really do want to go walking again – properly. I am thinking about signing up to another of the university rambling society walks – but it feels kind of awkward, after not going for so long. There is also the weather to think about – beautifully sunny and warm one day, then suddenly raining, then suddenly windy, its all over the place. and then there is also money – its £9 per walk for the society and I just cannot afford that. I am going to dinner with my father on Wednesday and I am going to casually suggest we meet up to walk in the peak district together – I can get a train for about £3 which is marginally better. There is still the weather though. I love walking. I want to do more of it, but its not the most convenient of sports – its location based, time consuming and highly weather dependent, unless you get really hardcore about it and are willing to walk in any weather imaginable- which I am really, really not.

→ So I think for now, after all that, I’ll stick what I’m doing. I’ll keep walking every day despite the annoying aspects of it, try and focus on climbing a mountain in the summer, and once I get a bit further into my counselling I’ll see about taking further steps. And it won’t be through joining a club or a gymn – I’ll like, buy myself some fitness DVDs or something that I can do privately whilst I ease into it. Yes, I think thats the plan. I think thats a good plan. Its hard to know.

→ I cannot believe I just wrote over a thousand words about fitness. I must really be growing up. XD

” I don’t know what to expect, I don’t know what’s coming next”

→ I got my results on Thursday. I was such a mess beforehand – I was terrified, what if I failed? What then? I felt a horrible kind of certainty that I had failed. I’d panicked during my exams, I had struggled, I had left so much blank. I was definitely expecting the worst. We could have got our results from our tutors on Wednesday – but I felt too terrible about it all to face him. Everyone was talking about their results and how well they had done and it only made me more nervous, more afraid. So I wasn’t planning to check them online on Thursday either – I was going to put it off as long as possible. I wasn’t ready. I didn’t want to. But I got home from uni on Thursday and I felt so angry at myself and at how pathetic I was being, I just wanted it to be over. So I opened up the university portal, took a deep breath and clicked “my marks.” I was shocked at what I saw. I had passed. Not only had I passed but I had done well. One low grade pulled my average down but otherwise it was OK. It was OK. I was so happy. But mostly relieved.

→ I’m still job hunting and it still does not go well. I feel a bit better that at least my grades are still good but it feels sometimes like even with high academic achievement its still not enough. I am probably not going to be able to do an internship this summer, which I can deal with, but it brings up interesting questions about what will happen when I actually need to get employed after university. I was talking to a friend the other day and she suggested that maybe these kind of jobs weren’t for me – that I should in future go for smaller companies. I think she has a point but the thing is – I want those big companies, those amazing graduate schemes, to be for me. I wasn’t supposed to do engineering – but here I am. I wasn’t supposed to live abroad – but I did that too. I don’t care about what my personality dictates would be easier for me. Fuck my shyness and my anxiety and all those things. I want to become really, stupidly successful anyway. I want to go as far as I can go – the 2:1 masters degree in engineering, a competitive graduate job. No matter how exhausting it is, I just keep on pushing myself because I have this dream, these goals, and I want to prove to myself, and OK, to others, that I am capable of fulfilling them. But with that comes the doubt- am I capable?

→ It was really great meeting up with my friend. Its so good to talk to someone who you can be totally honest with – someone who you can say I’m not OK and they will listen and understand. Nonetheless, I wonder if I have become a burden to her for relying on her like this.

→ I wish I could say I felt better now that results have come through. Everything is OK, right? But I have no confidence. Every time I succeed I feel relieved, I feel blessed – like it’s just luck. I’m still afraid of that luck running out. Its not like life just stops once you achieve something – there’s always more that needs to be done. That, to me, needs to be conquered. That’s how my life seems to have become – always fighting (myself) to get anything done. I still have a thesis to write, and three more modules to succeed in, and Japanese to finally put some effort into. But I’m so tired. Its exhausting me – all this anxiety, all this fear, all this doubt. Don’t give up now, I tell myself. Don’t give up. Lately, it falls on deaf ears. I am not working hard enough right now – I need to get on with example sheets and assignments and I’ve fallen behind so badly on my thesis research, but its so hard to care. I am beginning to lose the will to fight. I used to think if I just worked hard enough it will be OK but job hunting has made me question. What if its not enough? What if after everything, I cannot end up where I want to be? This is why its probably dangerous to set yourself so many goals, and to become so fixated on achieving them. But I cannot get through without something to work towards either…

→ I had my last doctors appointment this week. I waited for 59 minutes for what was essentially a check up. It was so pointless and awkward, but he didn’t suggest I come see him again, and so I am gratefully relinquished from that. I saw the psychologist for the first time about my eating disorder too, and that was terrifying. The appointment was long and it was painful. At one point she asked me about my depression and that was the worst. I cannot remember, you know. I’m clinging onto all this stuff as a result of that, but I cannot even remember what it was like. Its just like this…incredibly dark period of time. I remember feeling exhausted, sad and angry but I cannot for the life of me remember why. Am I supposed to remember? Does it make my depression lesser that I cannot pinpoint some great tragedy that brought it about? Was I making a big deal out of nothing? Its been years, and everything is kind of hazy. Anyway, we talked about a whole range of stuff and she gave me some things to take away and work through. I’m trying to throw myself into it but again, there is this fear and this anxiety and this doubt. and well, embarrassment too. Its really fucking embarrassing. There is definitely a part of me that regrets going down this path – Am I doing the right thing? Am I making a big deal out of nothing? Have I made the right treatment choices? Do I go on medication? But I don’t want to go on medication – I’m so afraid of going on medication. Am I just making myself miserable? All these kind of thoughts spiral through my head. But telling myself to stop it just doesn’t work you know? I can recognise my bad thought patterns and my bad coping methods but I cannot help myself. I feel so out of control.

→ I’m still really struggling. At least its not reflected on my grades any more. Last year it was reflected on my grades. And it was terrifying – was I going to fail again? But…maybe it is OK now. Maybe. I just have to find the strength, somehow, to get through this semester. And try not to think too hard about the future, to not worry about the future, while I’m at it.

Post Title: Olivia - Sailing Free

“Someone seems to have painted my heart with repeated strokes and made a mistake”

Edinburgh Castle

View of Edinburgh from the castle
Misc pics of inside of Edinburgh Castle
Scottish Parliament
Palace of Holyrood House
Holyrood Abbey

From top to bottom: Edinburgh Castle, Scottish Parliament, Palace of Holyrood House, Holyrood Abbey

I’m again writing this on the train. It is really busy and noisy and I have the beginnings of a headache. I’m fairly sure the woman sitting next to me is reading this as I write, though I may be being paranoid.

My last day in Edinburgh was very nice although the bitterly cold weather, and the fact that it was my last day, put a slight damper on things.

I headed out to the castle first thing and got there just a little after it opens at 9am, except for some reason it was only going to open at 9:30am that day. So I stood and waited in the freezing cold – the temperature had plummeted even more, and the wind was beginning to pick up. Eventually we were allowed in and I entered eagerly and wondered up to the upper ward. Then, an alarm suddenly went off. We were ushered outside to a particular area by the staff, and so there was more waiting around, stood in the cold. After a little while we were given the clear to go exploring some more, and by this point the castle was busier, which was a shame – I had come early in the hope I’d have a little time where the castle wasn’t too busy. Nonetheless I spent the rest of the morning wondering around the castle. It was nice but a little disappointing – I think the expensive entrance fee had meant I’d gone in with too high expectations!

After the castle I walked down the Royal Mile to the Palace of Holyrood House. The Royal Mile consisted mostly of tourist shops selling anything tartan and/or woolen you could ever need. The palace itself was quite interesting. It was strange to think of anyone living there though – the place was cold, dark and slightly grim. The audio guide was also really disappointing – it kept ending by telling you to ask the staff for more information, why not have more information on the guide itself? The Abbey was lovely though – very beautiful and slightly haunting. The Queens Gallery was a bit disappointing – it was not my kind of art style and I regretted paying for it. I left the Palace and went back up the Royal Mile, looking for a museum that I’d randomly spotted on the way down, that had looked interesting. I did not find it on the way up, though I did find a nice shop that sold dairy free (for me) and non dairy free (for a relative) shortbread. I then decided to head back along the mile in search of that little museum, and found it, just a little way away from the palace i.e the end of the mile. Nice going, self. It was worth going to the effort though – the museum was the very small “The People’s Story.” Over three stories it had a variety of interesting displays on crime, punishment, work and play of the “ordinary people of Edinburgh.” It was fascinating to read about the dramatic changes over the last century especially. I had not seen this museum mentioned on any tourist sites and I was very glad I’d found it.

Afterwards I went back to the hotel – the wind had picked up and it was bitterly cold. I was tempted to stay in and order room service, but the room service menu was not appealing, so I rested a little, warmed up, and then dragged myself back out. I was glad I made the effort. I went to a korean restaurant. It was my first time eating Korean food since I went to Korea- back in 2012! The food was delicious and the service was really good – they gave me not one, but two freebies with my meal, brought me water when I didn’t ask, constantly asked if the food was good. Really attentive and nice. I really enjoyed it. I was in high spirits as I left the restaurant but… as I walked back it hit me that it was my last night and a lot of my fears and, my anxieties came to the surface… Have I just been running away? I’m still so worried about…things. I’m not looking forward to going back to university, I’m not looking forward to exam results, or that phone call telling me I didn’t pass the interview. I’m still exhausted and messed up.

So many things on my mind. Now I’m on the train, and soon I’m going to have to face them all.

Post Title: 摩天楼オペラ - 月の砂

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