Honest Lies – Page 36 – "Okay, so I'm the dragon. Big deal. You still get to be the hero."

Welcome! Honest Lies is the personal site of a 26 year old graduate electrical engineer living in the UK. Covering every day life, books and various other randomness. Read more about me and the site here.

“The fake light that is disappearing, the true light that is being born in these hands…”

Inside the National Science Museum

Botanic Gardens
Orchids

Portrait Gallery

Princes Street and National Gallery

Pictures, from top to bottom, right to left: National Science Museum, Royal Botanic Gardens, National Portrait Gallery, Princes Street, National Gallery

I miss-planned today.

I planned to get up early so I could have time to get ready and to enjoy my hotel breakfast to the fullest.

OK, so maybe I overestimated my hotel breakfast. I got up early, got ready and headed down – and it wasn’t quite the buffet I was expecting. I had a nice enough bacon and sausage sandwich which I wanted to follow with a selection of fresh fruit – except there wasn’t any fresh fruit, apart from limp looking grapefruit and orange. I’m more a tropical fruit fan. In the end I had a muffin. It was all painfully average. I then had an awkward half an hour wait in my room, with little to do, before I could head out – the botanic gardens I was heading to only opened at 10am, so there was such a thing as arriving too early. As it turns out, I was early anyway.

I left the hotel at 9 and walked to the bus stop and waited ages for the bus, somehow managed to get the bus and to get off the bus. Using buses in cities not your own is always confusing. Heck, even in my own city its confusing – its hard to know the rules, and very difficult to know where you are and where to get off. (So few buses bother to have displays telling you this…) Thankfully my GPS came through for me once more and I managed that. Alas, I ended up being 15 minutes early. I walked about in a circular route of the surrounding area until I was 5 minutes early, then I stood and huddled outside the gates. It was bitterly cold. Eventually someone came to open the gates- a very nice man from whom I bought a map and a ticket to the glasshouses and who showed me on said map how to get to the glasshouses and where to buy coffee – clearly what he thought were the priorities on such a cold day! I walked to the glasshouses but wasn’t sure if they were open yet so ended up having a meander around the rest of the gardens first. It was pretty barren but still quite nice – very quiet and still, which was relaxing. I love it when its so quiet the most dominant sound is that of the birds singing. I circled back round to the glasshouses and went in. They were amazing. There were many different glasshouses modelled after different environments – they had gorgeous orchids, and huge palms, even a cocoa tree, and cacti! And in the end, a mini aquarium. I had so much fun exploring and took a load of pictures. It also made me smile to see that the glasshouses are sponsored by tourism Malaysia – a lot of the signs talked about Malaysia and they had a little stall set up with Malaysian products like kaya and white guava and “kopi”. It made me feel nostalgic. Just yesterday I found myself face to face with a Tune Hotel. Malaysia is everywhere – perhaps it always was, its only now I’ve lived there that I’m noticing, that I’m paying attention, as these little things bring back memories…

Even in Japan, right outside Shinagawa station was a huge “visit Malaysia” sign.

Anyway, I emerged just after lunch time and made my way back to the gate. As I left the gardens the sound of tapping glass startled me and I turned round to see the man in the ticket office waving at me. I grinned and waved back then turned back to the main road. How sweet. Feeling cheerful now I waited for the bus, eager to get back to town. I was definitely thinking about a hot coffee by this point. The bus came and the bus driver helpfully instructed me where to get off, even giving me directions to where I wanted to go. Needless to say I got off at just the right point…to get to where I wanted to be yes, and also right in front of a Starbucks. I paid for a caramel soy latte and received a soy latte but nonetheless, it was nice to sit there with a hot coffee, writing out a postcard to my sister.

I’ve grown to appreciate Starbucks even more now that I know they do soy milk. I really wanted cereal for breakfast this morning, but I couldn’t as there was no milk alternative. Yesterday I was in Sainsbury’s looking for snacks – I cannot afford to buy lunch and supper, so I’ve decided to just have a large breakfast, snack regularly in the day , then have a large supper. And only the most expensive cereal bars were dairy free. Its a little annoying – the stuff is everywhere. -__-

Afterwards I walked down to the National Portrait gallery, which was a gorgeous building with some interesting paintings, not to mention a beautiful library. (I dream of having a library like that – wall to wall books, and where you need stairs to reach the upper levels.) I then headed on to the National Art Gallery – which was equally awesome – there were some truly beautiful, epic and startlingly lifelike paintings of people and scenery. Wonderful. As time went on though I did start to feel quite overwhelmed by all this art viewing, and was eager to eat. So I left and made my way to a Thai restaurant for supper. This restaurant was lovely – beautiful decor, nice staff and utterly delicious, authentic food – I had a starter, main and a dessert and I am so stuffed now, but in a very content way. It reminded me of being in Thailand – me and my sister were always eating when in Thailand. From restaurants, to cafeterias to street stalls, the food in Thailand was incredibly good – some days we had two suppers! It was just so good, and so cheap. Anyway, it was a bit awkward eating alone – I dislike how in this country its not seen as proper to eat alone. (Or even to be alone. Why are people in this country so afraid of their own company? Just the other day I was overhearing a girl talking about how she could hardly go to the cinema alone – why not???) Its one of the things I love about Japan – nobody cares if you eat alone, because there are plenty of other people doing so. I wish it was like that here – instead its slightly awkward. I got out of there and made my way back to my hotel and am now planning to curl up in bed and read, and take yet another early night.

I’m loving being on holiday. My anxiety is right round the corner, waiting for me, but right now I can push it away, ignore it as best I can. I’m having fun, doing nothing, indulging in hours of looking at plants and paintings and going to restaurants I technically cannot afford. It does feel a bit awkward coming here in non tourist season, as an obvious student, who actually looks like she’s 12 so who knows what people are thinking. But whatever. Whatever to everything. I’m on holiday, I’m having fun. Real life and its responsibilities can wait for a little bit.

Post Title: Miyamoto Shunichi - White Night

“Will I be able to make it through after all? The weight of my cross filled with wrath and hate and this world filled with hopelessness?”

Wednesday, 29/01/2014 10:44:06

I’m sitting writing this on the train whilst struggling not to cry. These past few days which should have been amazing, have turned out badly.

On Sunday I woke up at 6am, left the house at 8am and trudged through the rain to the bus stop. I got on the bus and got to the station, and from there the train back home. Seeing my family again was nice, but it still feels so awkward to be at home. I don’t know what to do with myself when I’m home – I feel self conscious, and uncomfortable. Its very strange. On Monday I dragged myself out of bed at 5am, after hardly getting any sleep the night before. I do not know how I managed it – but I was ready by 6:15am. My poor father also had to get up early so he could drive me to the train station, to which we arrived too early, and stood, huddled into our clothes against the freezing cold. My train came and I made my way to my seat reservation, and waved enthusiastically to my father as the train pulled out the station. At this point I was still filled with hope, and probably a little hyper from lack of sleep. It was a long journey- at first I worked on my interview preparation, then as my hyper energy faded away, I leaned against the window and gazed outside, resting. I wanted to close my eyes and sleep, but the scenery was too beautiful as I passed through the lake district into Scotland. Lush green fields to snow covered hills… it was too wonderful to miss. At Edinburgh I changed to the next train and this journey was even more wonderful – curving around the coast, and I was luckily sat on the side of the train that faced the sea. Finally, I arrived into Aberdeen, exhausted and hungry, but still in a good mood. I went to the hotel and dumped my stuff and then went out for lunch. I didn’t stay out long, didn’t bother to explore – I was tired and it was cold. I went back to the hotel and half lay, half sat, with the intention of working on interview preparation. The next thing I knew I was waking up with no idea what time it was or even, for a moment, where I was. Thankfully it was 5.30pm and I had not missed the company dinner that night. I was exhausted though – all my earlier hyper energy gone. I got ready and went out and there were so many people at the dinner and I felt so awkward and out of place.

On Tuesday I woke up at 6am, again, and I was very tired by this point. I got a taxi at 7:15am. The taxi driver was a very talkative old man, who rambled on the entire way. It was strangely soothing listening to him talk – it kept me from my own thoughts, my own fear, that companion to hope. I arrived at the company soon enough. The job interview was quite something. I messed it up royally, and I ended up walking back from the company – a long walk, made uncomfortable in my inappropriate work shoes, but I wanted to work off my disappointment, my anger at myself, that terrible feeling of all your hope coming crashing down around you, slipping away from you. I got back to the hotel room and I sat down on the bed and cried for a good while. Although I just wanted to lie there and mope, I had made plans to meet with my uncle, his wife and my cousin that night. I was terribly nervous about the whole thing – I’ve not seen any of them in years. They were late so I sat the restaurant for half an hour, fretting. I was still filled with all the feelings of the day – nervous energy, dissapointment, regret. Thankfully when they showed up it was…it was actually quite nice. There were a couple of awkward moments, I was so tired and finding it hard to think straight, but for the most part it was OK. It was strange to see my cousin again, too. He’s grown up so much – I still remember him as a young boy but hes grown so tall now, and his voice is starting to change.

Everything about these past few days were so new and different, it left me feeling quite overwhelmed.

Afterwards I went back to the hotel and went to bed. I had to get up early tomorrow and I was determined to get some sleep.

Now I am on the train to Edinburgh. I’m trying not to think about exams, or about the interview, but I cannot help it. The latter especially. I loved Aberdeen, and I wanted the job so badly – more, after spending some time here. And I messed up. Because of my anxiety, because of my shyness, because I am just completely useless. Is there no space for someone like me in this world? I’m 21 and I…look at other people my age and feel alienated. I feel so useless. I feel so childish. I feel like with the way I am, I’m never going to get anywhere- and then what? What can I do if I just keep on failing to deal with this anxiety? I’m so upset. I just want to cry and cry and cry.

Not exactly the feelings I wanted to start my holiday with. The thing is, its not failing the job interview that gets me, its knowing I did not do my best. If I’d gone there and I’d lived up to my full potential – truly tried then I could deal. Its knowing that I messed up, its wondering what I could have been if only I hadn’t gotten the perfect answers to the interviewers questions, 5 minutes, 10 minutes, 15 minutes after the interview. I didn’t do my best, I didn’t show the side of myself I wanted. That I regret.

Wednesday, 29/01/2014 20:56:35

The train journey to Edinburgh was not particularly exciting, I kept checking my watch, waiting for it to end. I was feeling emotional and trapped in my own thoughts and I wanted to escape from those feelings.

I drew into Haymarket station just after lunch. Thanks to google maps, I found the hotel with ease. Its rather tucked away from central Edinburgh, buts its in a quiet area and as I found after I checked in, the rooms are absolutely massive, with high ceilings, and a huge bed and bathroom. It feels very luxurious for a not so expensive hotel. Compared to the last hotel, its significantly cheaper and much better quality – the room is warm and decorated nicely, and no signs of construction. (The hotel in Aberdeen was nice, but poorly heated/freezing cold, and lacking finishing touches – like a towel rail, a do not disturb sign – and there were signs of ongoing renovations everywhere.)

I stayed for a moment to organize myself then headed out to the National Museum of Scotland. Again, thanks to google maps I found it easily – went down the wrong road a couple of times but thanks to GPS I could see I was off route. Maps and GPS are one of the reasons even if a smartphone annoys me sometimes, I’ll never give it up. I think having something like that on you at all times is one of the most brilliant things about recent phones – my old smartphone could never cope. I have no sense of direction and get extremely panicked when I get lost, as I often used to back when I didn’t have a phone with GPS capabilities. Now, I don’t need to worry. I have the postcodes for all the places I want to be and can use GPS to make sure I’m not wondering around with no idea where I am or how to get back to somewhere familiar. (Really, its the GPS that matters – knowing where you are real time, without having to try and figure it out on a map, using street names and landmarks…is really great.)

Anyway, the museum was great. They had a fascinating exhibition on wooly mammoths and other ancient ancestors of todays elephants- they had some of the skeletons, the leg bones were the size of a small child! They also had an interesting exhbition on kabuki prints, and a room packed with taxidermy and skeletons – from t-rex, to giant land sloths and blue whale jaws (the whale jaws fitted around an african elephant!) I found it all fascinating. I also went up to the 7th floor garden terrace which was freezing, but afforded great views of Edinburgh. I spent the whole afternoon at the museum and emerged at 20 to 5 and ended up getting an early supper at 5 – the place I wanted to go was very close. I went to a Japanese restaurant, eager for katsudon. But the food was disappointing – cold green tea from a bottle, packed with preservatives, instant miso soup with no seaweed or tofu, the katsudon was lacking…it was nothing like I’d had in Japan, even the Japanese fast food chain did it better! And for much cheaper. I was a little disappointed. I walked back to the hotel afterwards and have spent the evening lazying about and trying not to feel guilty about it. I’m on holiday! Its OK not to do work! But I still feel guilty, like I’m doing something wrong by being here, by wanting some time off.

On the other hand it is great to be lazy, I had a fun afternoon at the museum, and I am looking forward to going to the botanic gardens and two art museums tomorrow. (Also tomorrow I’m having Thai food and hopefully that restaurant will be better!)

Post Title: Nell - Counting Pulse

Tell me what the rain knows

Exams finally over! I had my very last yesterday. To be honest, they all went terribly. I have been a mess over the exam period – I started eating chocolate again, and alongside that I mostly survived off bread and fruit and little else. I couldn’t sleep properly, I stopped doing chores so the house became cluttered and messy. I was anxious and struggling to revise, and to concentrate during exams. The exam papers were difficult. It was awful. Breathe, I was always reminding myself, just slowly, breathe in, breathe out. I’d find myself in the middle of the living room, or in the girls bathrooms before exams, or in the middle of the exam, or at the end, desperately trying to do the breathing exercise, desperately trying to calm myself down. I could never quite manage to do it properly – my breathes were always shaky, and my chest was always too tight, it felt like I could never get enough air, but it sort of worked. I think that and fast paced walks to and from exams kept me from full on panic attacks, and yes OK, the chocolate too, but the anxiety was always there. My heart was always pounding an my chest was always tight and I was always filled with a sense of dread, that something terrible was going to happen and soon. I felt useless and like a failure – why, when you revised so hard, are you struggling, the cruel little voice in my head would taunt.

I still slightly am filled with these feelings. I’m desperately trying not to dwell on it though, not to sit and fret about results. I’m going to stop eating chocolate now. Its not done me any good – my skin has broken out, and my eczema feels dreadful. I’m just – still not in a very good place. and yes, I am worried about how that impacted my exams. I worked so hard, and I’m so scared that it won’t show. But – trying not to think of it. My thoughts go like that – worrying, then reeling back, worrying, then reeling back. I want to be positive, I want to put it all behind me – but its always there. That voice. Those thoughts.

I spent a lot of today cleaning and de-cluttering. Answered and sent some emails I’d been putting off during exams. Did some other little things I’d been putting off. It helped. Tomorrow, I will do more.

My job interview is next Tuesday, already. I do not feel in the mood for it -I’m still anxious, I don’t feel like I look my best which is impacting my confidence. I want to just go there and do my best – but I feel a lot of pressure. Its such an incredible opportunity, I feel so amazed and lucky that I made it even to this stage, and I cannot help but hope for even more luck, even as the hope scares me. Although I dread that, I am ridiculously excited to going to Edinburgh for a holiday afterwards. I finalized all my plans tonight. I’ve unfortunately had to plan around the weather quite a bit – it seems it going to be even colder in Scotland than I imagined. I badly wanted to go to Linlithgow Palace and Arthur’s Seat seems nice – but that’s off the table in this weather. Instead I’m sticking to Edinburgh city, and I’m going to stay indoors as much as possible. I’m visiting museums, the castle (of course the castle!!), The Palace of Holyroodhouse. I’m going to eat Japanese food on Wednesday night, Thai food on Thursday night, and Korean food on Friday night. I cannot make these foods myself – too expensive and difficult to get the ingredients , and I wouldn’t even know where to begin putting it together- and I cannot afford to eat out often , so when I do, I always go for Asian food. Japanese and Thai food are my favourite, and I loved the food I ate in Korea, so I’m crazy excited for that. I wanted to go to a South African shop too, as I heard there were a bunch there, but unfortunately I cannot find any information online. I’ll have to leave that one to chance.

It’s going to all be a bit expensive this holiday – but not too devastating. I’m hoping that what I get out of it will more than make up for the financial loss. It should be fun.

“What is protecting me from having my heart fall apart in the end?”

Well, it’s been a while since I posted. Since my last post I did go home for Christmas, I had an OK Christmas followed by a tiring boxing day dealing with the horrors of the sales, in which I did not get everything I needed, although since I have managed to put together a decent interview outfit. Wearing formal clothes makes me feel desperately uncomfortable, I look in the mirror and think gosh, I’m getting old. I guess that means I am dressing appropriately. I have spent the last few weeks mostly revising. I am trying to take breaks – by watching dramas. I’m currently watching Miss Korea, which is amazing, and Man from the Stars, which is the sort of drama where you can see the drama writer pulling the strings to make it popular, but Gianna Jun is lovely. I am also halfway through Pursuit of Happiness, which started of amazing but sadly began to drag in later episodes. I even took a whole evening off and went to the cinema, to see Long Walk to Freedom, which was very emotional and made me cry. Its incredible to think that Apartheid ended when I was 2 years old, that my parents and grandparents lived through that.

(Ever since my Grandmother died I have been so homesick. I long to reconnect with my culture – I long to go back, to see my living Grandparents… one last time, I think, which is painful. I want to experience Cape Town as a person living there, again, too. It doesn’t help that South Africa/Cape Town has been everywhere – with recent events, and its recent status of design capital.)

Time is passing quickly. I am struggling to feel in control. I feel like everything is just passing me by.

I had my first exam today. Woke up at 7:00am and left the house at 8:00am, feeling pretty optimistic about getting there on time, and strangely relaxed. Then the 8:10 bus did not come, neither did the 8:20 and finally, a bus arrived at 8:35. Well, I was definitely going to be late, and so I was panicking. Its the little things that set my anxiety off – this was one of them. I got off the bus at the entrance to the university that is the opposite to the central campus – the bus does not go into the campus, and the point where I usually get off near central campus is a very heavy traffic area, so it seemed a good idea to escape the hell of unreliable public transport and cut through campus on foot. I ran most of the way and shocked myself by the fact that I could. I was breathing hard, but I did not feel dizzy and my chest didn’t hurt. Living without anaemia is great. Nonetheless I was not in a great way when I finally got to my exam – just after 9am. One of the invigilators was outside and she was very nice about me being late, the exam had only just started, and she helped me find my seat. I was breathing hard and my hands were frozen cold and my anxiety was high – and so the exam got off to a very shaky start. I settled down surprisingly quickly though. My counsellor introduced me to a relaxation breathing technique and I find it useful for getting my anxiety levels down – it cannot remove the anxiety completely nor does it help me sleep, but it usually does OK in keeping me from panicking. I couldn’t implement it fully in the exam – no time – but I had sure to pay attention to my breathing, to keep breathing deeply, slowly, to try and focus, read the questions carefully.

Honestly, the exam wasn’t great – I left feeling like I made a lot of stupid little mistakes, like I missed some sneaky trick I should know for several of the questions. I did not answer all the questions properly – though I did half answer or put random guesses for the ones I did not know. I tried though, and so I cannot help but hope. The thing is – this was one of the exams I was feeling most confident about, and its unsettling that it did not go as well as I hoped. If this is how my good exam went, then what about the rest? This is exactly the sort of way I shouldn’t be thinking, I know. My counsellor picked up on it to – the way I use the bad things in the past, no matter how distant, how I use my mistakes to justify my bad thoughts. I’m working on it. Its hard to be optimistic, when you feel like once you do, will be the point you lose everything you’ve worked so hard for.

Counselling is going quite well actually. Its really good to talk to someone, and to work through this. I don’t think my anxiety will ever go away fully, but I am hopeful that I’ll learn to live with it better. My eating is still all over the place, and I am still waiting for my first appointment with the psychologist for that. After my exam today I was desperate for chocolate but I took a deep breath – and well, I still bought junk food, just not dairy containing junk. Its really pathetic. Giving up dairy has been a fantastic choice for me in one way – I eat a wider variety of foods. In another, its also highlighted my issues with food. Every month I tally up my receipts and its always food that pushes over budget – sneaky trips to convenience stores or supermarkets to buy binging foods, but always buying staples like fruit or something else healthy, because I feel ashamed of my true intentions. The thing is, without chocolate, I need to eat more to get the same ‘satisfaction’, and I rarely do. I really hate this. I’m really scared for that appointment though- these are my habits, and thinking about changing them is so scary. As it gets closer and closer, I just get more afraid.

I also had another doctors appointment and that was a little awkward. I admit, now that I’ve gone through the scary part of admitting to it all, and had it all brought into perspective with various health professionals, I now feel a certain…not regret. But I do wonder if I’m wasting their time. It feels a bit awkward. Like I’m not anxious enough, my eating not disordered enough, to warrant this attention. I especially wonder why my doctor keeps wanting to see me – he suggested I come back to him after exams and that is the thing – is it a suggestion or is he telling me this? What would happen if I don’t? And how long am I going to be going back to see him? He’s busy and I feel bad taking up his tome to essentially just chat about how I am. I guess he’ll stop asking me when he feels like there’s no problem? So there is a problem, right? Its hard to know what’s going on. I feel very uncertain about this all. Am I doing the right thing? I think about it often, too much.

Things aren’t OK right now. I’m not going to lie. This is why I have eased off on blogging – there is only so much you can whine on the internet. And there is only so much I want to put up here – I am quite open on this blog, but I do have certain things I don’t feel comfortable sharing. And these days, my off line diary entries are filled with these things. I have renewed my domain for another three whole years though! So even if I end up blogging once a month, I’ll still be around.

I’ve got another exam tomorrow, and the day after that. Then three more next week. Then there is my job interview. Then finally, I’m taking a three day holiday to Edinburgh. My doctor suggested I give myself something to look forward to after exams – and I decided to take to the extreme. For three days I am going to not study or think about university and I am going to take a holiday. It feels indulgent, but then I think – people take time off work don’t they? So its OK I “take time off” from university right? I’m just so tired, so fed up. I just want a tiny break. I feel guilty, but I am also looking forward to it immensely. Its my little light at the end of the tunnel.

I best get back to revising now.

Books: August 2013 – December 2013

50 books!

36) The Firebird by Susanna Kearsley – Very beautiful, but flawed. Separate post here.

37) Paladin of Souls by Lois McMaster Bujold – This book is magnificent. This is fantasy at its most exquisite. I was taken aback by how much I loved this book, how little I wanted to stop and put it down for even a moment, especially when the first in the series left me dissatisfied.

38) Lion of Kent by Aleksandr Voinov and Kate Cotoner – This book was terrible. William was naive/childish and over eager, and I spent the majority of the novel feeling very, very embarrassed for him. That was just one of this books problems. There was not much to redeem it- except maybe though that it was at least mercifully short.

39) The Labyrinth Gate by Alis A. Rasmussen – This book starts with a lot of conveniences- oh we just happened to land up somewhere Victorian in our Victorian style wedding dress, just happened to run into some bored nobles who just happen to be the sort of people who take strangers to their homes and give them a place to stay without asking questions first and will then be kind enough to help us without showing much fear or wariness when they discover we’re from another world. But oh, it develops into a very fun adventure. It reminded me of a great children’s film – fun and light for the children, but with more than enough going on for the adults. (Though this is definitely a teen book)

40/41) Mariners Luck and Land of the Night by Kirby Crow – I had this whole big rant planned for these books but in the end I couldn’t get it to sound right. Neither of these books worked for me though, I found the the characters annoying, the politics too simplistic, the world well developed, but not quite rich or complex enough.(The likes of Lois McMaster Bujold and Martha Wells have spoiled me, perhaps) I wanted to like these books, this series, and I thought it had massive potential but ultimately it was wasted. The first book was good, but flawed, and things just got worse and worse from book to book. Very disappointed.

42) Few are Chosen by Storm Grant – This was short, fluffy and completely forgettable.

43) Dying Light by Stuart MacBride I wrote before that I found cold granite ok. Then I reread it and I totally fell for it. I found it gritty and dark, with a dark humour to match. It was seriously engrossing, and thoroughly entertaining. My timing was brilliant, as dying light was on offer for £1.99 I snapped it up and I am now a Logan McRae addict. This book was very dark, there was some scenes I could barely even read they disgusted me so much. I’ve never read a crime novel so visceral. And yet, this book was also funny and entertaining. The characters are definitely veering to the caricatures, to the these cannot exist in real life and no way they’d still be in a job, but well, I just found this book so enjoyable. It feels a bit wrong to find such a violent book so entertaining, but there you are. I’m dying to read the third, and am watching eagerly to see if it will go on offer.

44) The Hallowed Hunt by Lois McMaster Bujold – Sequel to Paladin of Souls. Started very strong, but unfortunately fizzled out at the end. Disappointing after the greatness of Paladin of Souls.

45) The Cuckoo’s Calling by Robert Galbraith – Average, a bit boring by the end. Separate post here.

46) The Blood Detective by Dan Waddell– You know what I said about the cuckoos calling with its uninspired characters, uninspired plot line and average setting? This book had fairly average characters and it was set in London but it did something with its plot I’ve never seen before, and drew me in with that: this book is about solving a crime through genealogy. It introduces us to a shy, awkward genealogist who becomes the key player in solving the crime (I loved Nigel Barnes and his impulsiveness that comes from his shyness) It drags us through all the various newspaper archives, death/birth/certificate archives and the like in London – draws us through the past as told through that was left behind, and shows how history, and the actions of our ancestors can still have a profound effect on our lives today. History is always there, as Barnes tells us, we just choose not to see it. It sounds a little out there but the author makes it work and its fascinating, and I never saw any of the twists coming, and I could never guess what was going to happen next, and even when I recognised we would not be told something if it wasn’t important, it still took me by surprise how everything came together in the end. This book was absolutely thrilling from beginning to end. I loved it. On saying that, I’m not sure I’ll be reading any more in the series. I’m just not sure how many times they can keep needing a genealogist before it becomes strange? And I guess I worry it won’t live up to this one.

47/48) Fadeout and Death Claims by Joseph Hansen – These books are so sad. The main character – Dave – is grieving for his dead lover and his grief is always there, clinging to every word, weighting down the pages. And the mysteries are so bleak. You can understand Dave’s weariness with his job – when he has to deal with the terrible things people do for money day in day out. They’re beautiful books, but emotional ones. In a very quiet, subdued way they are really quite affecting. I hope I can get hold of the rest of the series.

49) A Kiss for Midwinter by Courtney Milan – I’m not a historical romance reader typically, but I love Courtney Milan. I love the characters she creates and the romance she writes is so satisfying – you can really see how much the characters respect and admire each other, which for me is very romantic. Cannot wait to read one of her full length books.

50) Rosa and the Veil of Gold by Kim Wilkins – Enchanting, right until the end. Separate post here.

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