Honest Lies – Page 42 – "Okay, so I'm the dragon. Big deal. You still get to be the hero."

Welcome! Honest Lies is the personal site of a 26 year old graduate electrical engineer living in the UK. Covering every day life, books and various other randomness. Read more about me and the site here.

I did go into KL on Sunday as planned . It’s really cool how unlike in the UK where everything dies down on a Sunday, here in Malaysia there is no significance to Sunday and its as bustling as any other day. I arrived in KL in the late afternoon, bought myself an ice blended from juice works because I’m hopelessly addicted, then managed to escape the mall much more easily than I thought- I just had to head to the aquarium, then turn off before I ended up there. I emerged into bright light and stifling humidity, a stark change from the cool, air conditioned mall but thankfully I had my ice blended to keep me cool. I began walking with the little idea of where I was going, and again, in a stroke of luck found myself exactly where I wanted to be- standing by the lake that lies in front KLCC Suria, the Petronas towers looming overhead. I had a wander around the lake and took a bunch of pictures. I did venture a little ways into the park but although very green, very clean and altogether nice it was still just a park and my ice blended had melted and I was getting hot so I headed back into the mall, up and around and up the escalators towards the top floor and the massive kinokuniya bookstore there.

I had hoped to buy a Japanese hiking map there and even worked up the courage to inquire after it, but this only resulted in a very awkward encounter with the man who worked there who seemed slightly confused by my request, and in the end they did not have it anyway, or anything similar. I spent some more time after that, lingering, soaking in the atmosphere of a large bookstore- and oh, I love the Japanese section in kinokuniya. I looked at the language learning section which made it hit home just how terrible I am at Japanese even after all this time. Then I moved to ogle the pretty and unique selection of magazines and catalogues- I really wanted to get this miffy catalogue which came with stickers and a tote as I’m a huge miffy fan and there are no miffy goods in the UK but alas, it was too expensive. I eventually found myself in the English Japanese learning section and spent an unfortunate time umming and ahhing over various phrase books and pocket dictionaries before settling on a couple that I can take along to Japan in the vain hope it will make some difference to not starving. (On that note- it is so annoying how so many travel guides and phrase books do not include kanji and kana, effectively making them useless within Japan. Like, I like knowing that is the bus stop to go to or food to try- but its hardly like I’m going to be able to search out the romaji,I need to play match the kanji!) After that I headed all the way back down and around and down to the ground floor- I will always remember leaning over the side and looking down whilst on the escalator going from the 4th floor to the 3rd, seeing all the elevators going up and down below me and all the people packed on them. These huge, expansive malls crammed with people and stores (so many designer, and high end at that. Man, the brand names here. It must be wonderful shopping here if you have money to spend) are nothing like you get in the UK. Although I’m an online shopper at heart, I do still find them very impressive. (The air conditioning helps, of course.)

My last stop was uniqlo which surprised me by how expensive it was. I did manage to buy one t shirt, although it was not as cotton rich as I hoped it was a lovely color and the cheapest one I could find. I need a nice, loose mens t shirt for hiking in japan, you see. I only have one currently. So anyway, I left then, popping into mid valley on the way back to pick up a couple of things from daiso (the mid valley one is even more cramped and confusing than the sungei wang one. I did not know that was possible ) (and yes I know- kinokuniya, uniqlo, daiso…there was a definite theme to my shopping) Then came back to find power restored as it should which thank everything.

Since then I’ve spent a whole lot of time sleeping and lazing around and avoiding organizing my shit so I can pack it. I did make some attempts to sort through the mounds of paper I have lying around, but it got overwhelming and I stopped. I’m trying not to beat myself up over this. I do still have a few days left, after all.

“And I don’t want to be the kind that says the wrong way.”

→ I’m currently sat writing this in public. It’s more than a little nerve-wracking but then my laptop needs charging and the plugs aren’t working in halls. Yes, lights and air con are thankfully OK but not a single plug in my room works. I discovered this yesterday the hard way- when I stepped into the shower and found it was cold. Having already conditioned my hair I had no choice but to endure a long shower as I attempted to wash my hair in the icy water. As anyone who does not use shampoo knows – you need hot water to make it work. Washing your hair in cold water? Just leaves the hair looking lanky and gross. Last night I ended up sat in the same public place when my laptop died and it was not too bad- I ate grilled chicken and naan bread smothered in garlic sauce as I read, and then I bumped into a friend and we sat chatting for a bit. But I was still hoping that the plugs would be working today. They are not. Of course there are no emails about planned maintenance, and as it’s the weekend there is no one I can go report this to. I know its not just my room as the girl down the hall- who I do not know, making this quite awkward- knocked on my door in order to ask if my plugs were working, and so I assume hers weren’t too. Essentially, the whole situation is ridiculous but there is quite literally nothing can be done. Typical of life in student halls, to be honest.

→ Exams finished this week on Thursday. Neither my mathematics nor my electronic engineering exams went well. For mathematics I managed to stay very calm and level headed, but that did not change the fact that the paper was asking us to differentiate tan and integrate sec and I have not done this since high school. That was the first question. The second question was alright- actually, more than that. There was a part of that question that I’d attempted in the past years and been unable to do, but something clicked during the exam and I totally got it. I completed the whole question and I understood it. It was amazing. Then the last question. At first glance, I thought it was OK. I went into it confidently and got the first part done, then I reached the second part and realized it was not as similar to the past year as I had expected and that I had no idea what to do. I did not get anxious or panic, but that did not stop my mind from going blank. I decided to attempt another question- the way the exam is set up is that there are 4 questions and you get marks for the best 3. Usually I just pick 3 to answer, but this time I attempted them all. In the end out of all four I only managed to do one completely, the first was just method and the last two were half done. It was not good. After that I had to cram for electronic engineering but I admit, I did feel reasonably confident about it. I was worried but not too worried about it. I should have been. This exam was weird. There were questions stuff we had not even been taught. I could manage to answer all the questions, bar a few at the back. But I did not leave that exam feeling as confident as I wanted to.

To say I am worried about this all is an understatement, but I’m trying not to let it hang over me. After my last exam on Thursday I bought a huge bar of chocolate and then just sat down to wallow in misery so that I could get over it. And I am OK now. I will be OK. I just want to enjoy my time now, here in Malaysia and in Japan. I’m trying to eat better, catch up on sleep and relax. What is done is done and I tried so hopefully… hopefully…

→ I’m really lucky that my exams are so soon , actually. Most people I talk to only finish on the 27th of May. But now I have a whole week to get myself organized for moving and Japan, to relax and oh yes, to go out into KL as much as possible! On Friday I went out to Midvalley for a little while and it was glorious to get out of my room and to not be stuck in the library. I had a delicious ice blended from boost and then mostly window shopped, before grabbing a handful of groceries. Then Saturday was Saturday. I spent most if it asleep or reading. Today I’m probably heading out to KLLC. I did think about going out for big touristy day today but in truth I’m tired and cannot be bothered, and will wait until next week before I attempt it. I admit I am probably also putting it off as I find KL difficult to navigate and very pedestrian unfriendly, and there is no way I am getting into a taxi by myself. So as much as I want to go to certain places, I’m unsure of how to get there. And yes, I do feel self conscious on my own in KL. Not all the time but…sometimes. People can stare. Well, today I’ll make baby steps towards my goal and I shall go for a walk around KLCC park, take some pictures of the towers, get some shopping done and come back. Hopefully it shall be relaxing and manageable as a day. Exams really have left me feeling drained.

“Constant fear of falling erases even your will to fly”

I’ve got Nine Muses new mini album on repeat right now. I’m not sure how I feel about the PV for “Wild”, but the mini album is wonderful. “Spotlight” and “action” are brilliant, mature pop tracks and OK, “wild” is not too bad either. It’s great to have something new to listen to- K pop is constantly disappointing me lately, and I’m very out of touch with the Japanese music scene. Although, there is always the old favourites to turn to. Actually, I was listening to Ayu’s album “secret” when I saw it had been released in 2006 and I realized I had been listening to Japanese music for about eight years now. That’s a little crazy, to think of myself, 13 years old and discovering the likes of Hamasaki Ayumi and Gackt for the first time, falling in love with Japan and the Japanese language. Eight years later and I’ve still not managed to learn more Japanese than “Arigatou” but I’m about to visit Japan for the 2nd time. Of course, before that I’ve got exams to get through first.

Currently, I’m spending a large chunk of my time in the library studying with my friend and it’s amazing how much more tolerable long hours struck in the library, tired and hungry and frustrated with endless revision, is when not alone. My friend has been helpful and we’ve had a lot of random conversations to break up the time. I realized this is the very first time I’m really talking to a guy, beyond the polite non-conversation, and its interesting. I’m still worried about saying too much, becoming too comfortable but mostly I’m relaxed and its easy and enjoyable to not be alone. He’s also been wonderfully tolerant of my moaning. I realized this week that I can be incredibly whiny. I don’t mean to but something my friend said, maybe his tone made me realize just how much I had been complaining and I felt a little embarrassed. I don’t want to be one of those people that only has negative things to say. I have friend who is like this- but in the opposite way. She’s very upbeat and positive, very ME ME ME about it all to- listen to how wonderful my life is, and listen to me telling you that everything is wonderful in your life too…sometimes you just want to shake her and tell her that sometimes things are not OK, and that’s its OK to admit to that. But then there’s me and I realized that lately I’ll been all ME ME ME, listen to how much my life sucks and its like, shut up already self. My friend has been so wonderfully patient with my whining but I highly doubt he wants to listen to it all the time. I’ve definitely got to try and be more positive.

Even though, things are hard right now. I’m still very stressed out and anxious. I had my first exam yesterday which was my weakest subject- telecommunications. I had been stupidly hopeful that because I had worked, I had revised I would manage to scrap a pass. Alas, it really did not go well at all. I opened the paper and my mind just went blank. I knew the first two questions, they were exact copies of the past papers and tutorials I had done multiple times but I just could not remember. I just could not think. Then it got to the last two questions and all I wanted to do was cry. They were strange questions, difficult questions. The more I went over the questions, the more my mind went blank. The more I tried to think, the more I could not. The more panicked and anxious I became. By the end of the exam I was near tears. I knew it. I did . And yet, I could not do it. Worse, I was talking to my friend today and I really did make some very stupid mistakes that I should not have. I should have done better. I am terrified. In order to progress to the MEng I have to pass all my exams. Its the first requirement. But for this subject I fucked up the lab report, and now the exam too.

Thursday night, I was so sad and disappointed that I could not concentrate and although I went out to the library to study I ended up getting nowhere. My brain still would not get into gear. Today, too, I struggled to concentrate on revision. I’m so close to finishing this year, but I’ve already lost motivation. I think that I’ve become so scared of failure that it has paralysed me and that is so ridiculous. Snap out of it, I tell myself. But I’m like that overly positive friend telling me to cheer up- empty words that don’t do very much at all but frustrate the one who has to hear it. I don’t know how. I don’t know how to fix this, I think. I don’t know how to “snap out of it” I don’t even really know what I’m feeling or why. It’s all a bit crazy.

Today, I woke up fairly late, then tried to bring some order to my room in preparation to getting it cleaned. With exams and everything I turned my back on cleaning and it just started to pile up, so seeing so I can get my room cleaned for free, I decided I would. I was not prepared for it. They were supposed to come at 1.00pm. At 1.30pm I was frantically pacing, wondering where they were. Then there was the knock on the door. I stepped out. They stepped in. I heard…noises. Out of the corner of my eye I saw them moving things. I tried to look busy by fucking around on my phone but curiosity and nervousness made it difficult to concentrate on anything. My room really was in a terrible state and I know they deal with students and they’ve probably seen it all, but I still could not help imagine them judging me. In the end they gave my room the ruthless, thorough cleaning it needed. They did move some things, and accidentally threw away a pair of my socks, but I think that’s a fair price for how glowy and clean my room is now. It’s nice to have a clean, shiny environment. And OK, its pretty great to have that without having lifted a finger myself. One less thing for me to stress about, you know?

After my room was cleaned it was back to the library, sitting by my friend and trying to get stuff done. Today was slightly better than last night, admittedly. Most of the crushing disappointment has lifted, and my friend’s reassurances that everything will be OK actually did help, because sometimes you do need to hear things like that. And there’s a clear difference between me and the person I used to be- the person I was would say “If I’m going to fail, why bother?” but now even if I feel like I’m going to fail, I’m not going down without a fight. I cannot let my fear of failure stop me from even trying. My next exam is on Tuesday- which will be mathematics. Then my last is on Thursday- electronic engineering. As much I long for them to done with already, I need to stay positive and work hard. No matter how exhausted and sick of everything I feel, I gotta keep fighting my way towards my dream. Towards the future. I will not give up on (my) life again. I must not.

I do wish though that there wasn’t the constant threat of ” too late.”

Listening To:: NINE MUSES - wild
Post Title: D'espairsRay - Brilliant

“This has the potential to end badly. But if there’s one thing I know in this situation, it’s James. Talk to a guy long enough, go through enough shit with him, be there for enough significant moments in his life, and there are stories he will tell you, things he will confide that he wouldn’t tell a stranger. He’ll tell you about the first time he saw the bruises, really saw them, and knew he had to leave. He’ll tell you about living under someone’s control, helpless, hopeless, and then finding real freedom, and how he’d rather die than live through that again.
This isn’t covered in the sidekick handbook. You don’t expect this when you sign on. […] A Coyote doesn’t expect to be anyone’s confidante, not anyone we’re not working an angle on.”

– Community Service, Vaughn R. Demont (Broken Mirrors #3)

It’s hard to articulate my feelings about this book. I loved Coyote’s Creed and a good chunk of its successor, Lightning Rod. Then something happened towards the end of Lightning Rod that made me want to scream and haul the book across the room. It was the author pulling the rug from under the reader in the worst way. It made me cry like a little child, and I was not happy to find myself doing that when it seemed the book was heading to a beautiful, romantic, compelling HEA. I was also annoyed with how Spencer was depicted in that book, though I cannot remember why.

I debated whether I even wanted to read the third book in the series, and hesitantly picked it up as it was on sale. I finished this book in about two days, so I cannot say I did not enjoy it. Except I don’t think I did. I kept reading because I wanted to know what happened, even as I wasn’t enjoying what was happening. I really don’t like the direction the story(/series) is taking. The character of Ozzie and his relationship with James felt shallow and happened too quickly, too conveniently. I hated how Rourke wasn’t in Lightning Rod and was just kicked to the curb in this book. And after how quickly Spencer and Rourke’s relationship started I was hoping that things would slow down- but the brief scenes between them felt rushed and showed nothing new. I was really hoping that Spencer would have matured and their relationship would have grown, and yeah, I am really disappointed it did not. But Spencer is maturing into a character I love even more than I already did in this book, and so I’ll keep reading to see what happens to him. See if he ends up with Rourke (as he should cos yeah, I’ll go down with my ship) And I still really love this authors writing style. There were a few annoying moments here but damn, those moments where it becomes so beautiful and magical still get me. I especially loved the way that James’ memories were written, in such a dreamlike, innocent way, as if from a child, but with a hidden sense of danger. There was almost a story book quality to them. I almost found myself reading through them again in search of the hidden message.

laneige
I remember when I first bought my sister a BB cream. I had been a fan of Korean cosmetics for a while then and my sister just did not get it. Then I tried one of my BB creams on her and she seemed to like it. So I offered to buy my sister a Korean BB cream all of her own. She was a difficult customer- she refused to have anything whitening, no matter how much I told her it would not whiten, and my sister is also very pale with extremely dry skin. Eventually I remembered all the good reviews I’d seen for the Skinfood Red Bean BB cream from pale, dry skinned girls and had my “a-ha!” moment. I ordered it and when it came I sat down and applied it for her, laughing helplessly and making a right mess of it because doing other peoples makeup is strange. She loved it though and has worn it nearly every day since. But I will always remember my mother looking on at me and my sister playing around with her new BB cream and remarking that I would not do anything like that for her. I did think about buying my mother a BB cream after that, but she does not like wearing a lot of makeup, heavy foundations especially and a lot of BB creams can be that way so I had to leave it be.

Then HERA released their BB cushion. I was dying to get hold of one for myself and when I realized I was going to Korea that was top of my to buy list. Then I realized it was my mothers birthday coming up, I remembered her disappointment when I bought my sister a BB cream and not her, and I realised how perfect the HERA BB cushion would be for her. It was lightweight, dewy, from a brand whose target audience is women my mother’s age so the packaging and formulation would be suitable, it even came in a very pale shade. It was the perfect BB cream for my mother, even if technically not a BB cream. When I went to Korea I went to the HERA counter and I bought just the one BB cushion, I could only afford one unfortunately, and I bought it for my mother. I sent it back to the UK, nervous as anything. What if she did not like it?! It was an expensive gamble to take. Of course my mother went to Cape Town before she could receive it.

Today I received a phone call from her telling me that she wore it for the first time today. She was gushing about how much she loved it, how it made her skin look very glowy and radiant, how her friend said she looked beautiful. I was elated. It is so wonderful to think that I managed to get her something she loved so much!

And I admit, on a selfish basis I love the fact that I’ve been able to share something I love with my sister and my mother both now, and having them love it too. I’m so used to people giving me weird looks, critiscm or making unnecessary remarks about the things I choose to like, and I am so used to keeping things close to my chest because of that. Even today, I had someone ask me about how I was spending my time and I froze, tried to deflect, and I knew I was rude in that reponse, but I just do not like talking about my hobbies and interests. Nothing makes me quite so uncomfortable as I feel like people will judge me, and find me lacking. Several years in high school and even university taught me that there are certain acceptable things to watch, listen to and read, (etc.) and if you don’t then its best to act like you love those things too, and keep your real interests to yourself. It is nerve wracking to share something you love, when you expect to be met with scorn. The fact that I’ve managed to give my sister and my mother something they cherish as much as I would, and been able to talk to them about Korean cosmetics with them, being able to talk about something I love with the people I love… feels pretty great.

And no, this picture is not the HERA cushion but rather the Laneige BB cushion. As I could only afford the one HERA BB cushion, I had to settle for the Laneige one for myself. At first I loved it- it was lightweight but offered fantastic coverage despite that, and gave my skin a healthy glow without making me look oily. It was strangely cooling when I applied it and did not disappear in this heat even when I was out all day. Alas, it is yellow. Very, very yellow. It goes on a little to dark for me, and generally looks a bit off. And I may be applying it wrong, but it can apply quite patchy. I’m a little disappointed as it has so much potential to be really great. :/

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