Honest Lies – Page 43 – "Okay, so I'm the dragon. Big deal. You still get to be the hero."

Welcome! Honest Lies is the personal site of a 26 year old graduate electrical engineer living in the UK. Covering every day life, books and various other randomness. Read more about me and the site here.

“More I feel, my heart gets worn out…”

Today has been surprisingly relaxing. Or at least, I find myself in a relatively good mood today. I think this is a lesson how less stressful and emotional a day will unfold when one a) wakes up on time b) eats properly and c) doesn’t procrastinate and gets things done.

I woke up courtesy of my dad phoning me at 7am. No, I actually wanted him to! One of the good things about the time difference between us is that when it is my morning/waking up time it is my fathers night/going to bed time, which means I am not actually inconveniencing him by asking him to give me a quick call in the morning to wake me up. The first few moments of the conversation are always awkward, as I struggle to wake up, but then we chat, just idle conversation about this and that. My dad told me about his weekend – how he has gotten a headache again and is thinking of starting up the paleo diet (for what time again is this now? I think to myself), how he bought himself a new smart phone (apparently my mother has one too, now, and actually enjoys and is able to use it. The image of my mother being tech savvy is baffling and I earn new respect for the smart phone), how his training is going for Japan. I tell him about the headache I have, about my presentation, how I think he’s ridiculous for training for Japan. You see we are planning to do some walking in Japan. The biggest walk will be hiking Mt Tokachi in the daisetsuzan national park. An actual mountain with an actual altitude. The trail is anything from eight, to ten, as many as we want hours. It’s going to be tough. As such, my father has decided to start dieting and go for regular weekend hikes. All right. But here’s where it gets funny- its all in order to get up to ‘my level’. Which makes me laugh because ‘my level’? Yes, I am significantly younger. I also spend all my time in the library or sat in front of the computer, with my only exercise being walking to an from the library and to and from the canteen/7 11. It is not a long, difficult walk. And oh yeah, I’m anemic. It’s like Father, even at your age you are probably fitter than me. This is a grand example of how much my Father loves to Plan and Prepare. Then again, I do wonder if I should be trying to squeeze some training in myself. I found Bukhansan in Korea hard and that was a peak, not a mountain. Alas, I have no one to go with, as well little clue where to go. Then there is the whole having exams thing, which means I have to be stuck in the library and in my room, studying. Sedentary.

I wish I could be training together with my dad. It sounds like fun.

Well, conversation wrapped up without me managing to convince my dad to stop worrying (he is who I get my indecision and tendency to worry from, though I manage to be worse) and off my dad went to bed, and I stumbled to my computer to turn it on so I could get on with my work. I had a lab report due today. Finishing it was one of the reasons I had to wake up early today, and why I got my Dad to ensure that I did. The thing is- I only started this report on Saturday. I found out on Friday that it is worth 20%. I have no idea why it is worth so much, but it was was and I stupidly forgot about it, put it off, willingly forget, I don’t even know what, in the mess of all the other deadlines. I somehow managed to finish it, but it is honestly one of the most rushed, sloppy pieces of work I’ve ever turned in. I just figured I’d get more marks turning in a rubbish piece of work in on time rather than handing it in late or not at all. So I did. I polished it off this morning, printed it and turned it over for marking. Then I came back to my room to run through my presentation as much as I could, before I had to go and get it over and done with.

I was so nervous I was almost shaking, and in my second run through at lunch time my nervous stammer had began to force its way into my speech. In the end, for all my nerves, for all my fear, the actual result was not so bad. It was anti-climatic, in a way. I mean it was not good. Neither was it bad. It was just…boring and unremarkable. I had someone really interesting before me talking about google glass in a very competent, interesting way and everyone loved it. Mine? I could tell everyone was really bored and slightly baffled by my topic choice. Once again, everyone chose technical things and I…did not. There were two lecturers marking it and one of them kept yawning and shifting throughout. The other actually asked me at the end during the Q&A why I had chosen this topic and I hesitated before I said “because I am interested in energy generation and its effects?” which was not a very impassioned way of describing my very real interest in it. And is not even coherent. In fact, the more I reread through my answer the more I realise the extent that it does not make sense. (Naturally, I thought of the perfect answer five minutes later as I was thinking over it) Then the other lecturer, the one who was bored, asked me for the exact price of electricity in Africa? Whilst inside I was all O_O out loud I ventured a, “I don’t know the exact figures but definitely expensive?” How dumb did I seem. Also there were technical problems halfway through my presentation- the computer just froze on me suddenly, randomly. I was terrified it was going to crash but thankfully it woke up again. I don’t think anyone noticed, really. They were all too bored by that point. On the plus side, and there is only one plus, is that compared to last time where I rushed, I did manage to speak slower this time, if not slowly. And I made sure to pause often just to give myself a chance to relax for a second, don’t panic, just slowly get through it. I did not stammer either, as I had feared. But basically – I still hate this subject. And I am fearful of what my grade will be.

Afterwards I met up briefly with my friend to pass on some work, and then he insisted on taking pictures with me which was so fucking awkward. I hate having my picture taking T_T I’m not sure if I even smiled. I do know I was tense, and probably looked that way even if I managed to muster a smile. (Honestly, I’m like Chandler in friends. Stick me in front of a camera and immediately my expression deforms…)

I came back and indulged in some down time, not fretting over deadlines, just had a good supper, watched dramas…changed the layout round here. Yes, I decided I would change the layout again. I’m sorry, I just could not handle the other one. Promise I’m not going to be that website owner who changes theme every week. This one is it, OK? (…I hope.)

I should be going to the library round about now, but I may continue my evening of relaxation. :/

Listening To: MC Sniper feat Outsider, Horan - Heart Disease

“I see, I find, I make sure. I stare, I’m fascinated, I’m satisfied, but I look up, I see, I compare. I despise, I stray, I’m abandoned.”

I kinda disappeared again, didn’t I? Well, that’s cos everything is crazy right now. Deadlines have piled up and exams are just around the corner and I am stressed. Very, very stressed. I had a spectacular breakdown the other week – involving lots of chocolate, crying and something else regrettable that I don’t even want to admit. Thankfully I’ve since managed to pull myself back together and am managing to keep myself together but only just. I’m worried sick about my exams. My grades last semester were not good which puts so much pressure on me now to do well. I cannot fall asleep (and subsequently wake up) and I am binge eating like crazy. The hunger won’t go away and I don’t want to deal with the reasons behind it. Lest I end up in another chocolate-crying situation, you know?

Let’s see. As mentioned, university has pretty much taken over my life. Lectures are mostly ended now and just the final few course works to go before exams. In list format:

✖ Maths: Today I had a maths coursework test and it did not go well. The paper wasn’t bad, it was just me. I’ve been working at my maths but I don’t feel like I am making progress. I sit in the library for hours and only get a handful of questions done and I only partly understand what I am doing and I certainly have not memorised everything yet. It’s worrying.

✖ Telecommunications: I am also struggling with telecommunications, even more so than maths. I am actually 100% lost in this subject. Worse, it’s my first exam on the 9th (?) of May which is dangerously close when I do not understand it all. I am trying to study but its very difficult as this university does not provide a lot of resources for independent study. Worse, I have a set of decent notes from university back in the UK, but the UK and Malaysia courses are slightly different, which leaves me still hopelessly unprepared even after going through the UK stuff. I don’t know what to do, and this hopeless, helpless feeling makes me feel so exhausted and sad. My only hope is that I got my friend to agree to help me so there is that. Just over one week to go. I hope for a miracle.

✖ Electronic Engineering: This is going all right, thankfully. I think I’d be going crazy (more so) if there wasn’t one subject I enjoy and can just about manage, and did I mention enjoy? It makes such a difference to studying when you’re actually interested in the subject. My dad is also able to go through the parts of that I don’t understand, being an electrical engineer himself who knows that subject very well which makes a huge difference. Between the great UK notes (thankfully these two courses/exams are aligned between countries unlike telecomms) and my dad I am managing to study and make progress. Course works however are a bit iffy. I handed in one of my course works for that last Friday and I don’t think it was my best work. I think I left it quite late. I also have a deadline for that tomorrow and I don’t think I’ve done very well there either. I hope I can succeed on the exam at least. Although I do mostly understand it, there is a lot to remember and questions can be hard to interpret- and I am not very good at exams anyway. I have a tendency to panic and then misinterpret questions and forget my basics. Which is worrying always but especially for this exam where questions are lengthy and the information carries through.

✖ Professional skills for engineers. aka THAT module. I had a major deadline for that last week which was a group project- and it was awful. I was stuck in a group with some really horrible, immature people. I was told to work on the flyer portion of the project. So I spent my entire Saturday doing that and then some, only to be told that I was not supposed to be working on the flyer (even though I had emailed my group twice to confirm this was what I was supposed to be doing and got confirmation that it was!) and should do some research for the poster portion instead. They gave me one day to complete my new task, and its not like I have anything else to be doing now is there? I was not pleased to be in this group and I was not pleased with the subject we were doing but I was prepared to put in the work. But they were determined to keep me out. From picking the subject to doing the work they kept me in the dark for everything and worse, they let me waste my time doing work I should not have done by simply ‘forgetting’ to tell me. Yeah right. They could not give a damn. They did not want me in their group and they could not even be adult enough to put those feelings aside. ¬____¬

There is now just one deadline left for that subject- another individual presentation, this time to a larger group and two lecturers, and 15 minutes in length. Mine is currently just 5 minutes in length. Yeah. It goes not well. I’m doing about renewable energy in Sub-Saharan Africa (excluding South Africa) and its fascinating and there’s lots of resources, which means I’m having to read paper after paper to get the information I need and I find it difficult to concentrate on that kind of heavy research when I’m stressed. I am also not looking forward to presenting on Monday, obviously, as the last one went terrifically wrong and that was only a small group. In short: I hate this module.

✖ Electrical Engineering Design Project aka the module I never talk about. I don’t think I put enough work into this project. The last lab session was this Wednesday which involved demonstrating the circuits and handing in the logbooks. I am not confident about my logbook, as I did not pay enough attention during labs and hardly had much clue of what was going on it was difficult to write about. My own fault, really. I really should have put more effort in here, as this project is probably the best preparation for the large group project next year. On the other hand- my group for this project were wonderful. Supportive, helpful, always making sure to include me (and communicate with me so I know where I am at). It really makes so much difference to a project who you work with.

Talking of next year… I get to choose my modules! Which sounded exciting until I actually had to choose them. It’s actually quite nerve wracking. I’m going to start specializing which means I have to choose modules based on what I want to do. I want to go into energy generation/renewables I know, but I am not entirely sure modules are good for this, and the person I emailed has not replied. Either way my current list is: a maths module (ordinary differential equations or partial differential equations), electronic design, solid state devices, electrical machines, power networks and power electronic design. Alongside three compulsory modules control systems design, field waves and antennas and the group project. The group project sounds terrifying- its worth around 30 credits and its pretty much independent. I don’t feel prepared for that. Also: I cannot take a language module next year which sucks. I really hate having to pay an extra £200 to take a language at university. But I have no choice as I’m doing engineering, which is one of the most inflexible and time consuming degree there is. In retrospect, I guess its my fault for choosing engineering. XD

Thats the state of things at university. Apart from that, Planning for Japan is the only other thing filling my time. It is going very well, almost too well. I’m scared that its going to be “the best laid plans” situation, and that things are going to go horrendously wrong. In my remaining time I spend copious amounts of mindlessly surfing the internet and spending too much (day) time asleep. Student life. So exciting, as usual. I’m very aware that I have very little time in Malaysia and I should be trying to get into KL to do some touristy things, but I am so busy and stressed and exhausted. After exams I should be able to do some sight seeing, hopefully. For now until exams are done, studying and being stressed over it are all that will make up my life :(

Lastly some site notices: I changed the layout! I’m not 100% happy with it though but I was sick of the other one so… Also there will be no book post for April. I’ve not been reading as I need my money for food and Japan, and I don’t have time/the ability to concentrate anyway. I will either post a combined april/may book post or just skip april and possibly may, depending on what happens. Sorry!

mood: stressed
Post Title: Hamasaki Ayumi - Connected

Books: March 2013

Not too many books this month, and I’m still rereading a lot as I’m still broke.

21) Faithful Place by Tana French – Man, I love Francis Mackey. He’s manipulative, cunning, cruel…you can assign all these nasty and dangerous words to him. Some of the things he did in this book were both terrifying and disgusting, the way he fucks with peoples minds. But underneath the tough exterior he is so vulnerable and has so many issues that he has clearly never bothered to deal with. I find him such a fascinating character and I just loved this book so much, of course not just for Frank, but for the story too. Its so simple, but devastating. It’s what I was talking about impact in the rant of strange. You do not need cults or conspiracies or serial killers or gore for impact. This is a book with a relatively straight forward plot, you can suspect the criminal quite early on, but it does matter who. it matters that it happened and that it affected a life, lives. it gets you deep down, this book does. You can see Rosie as Frank sees her and you can feel the ache of what-was right alongside him. Frank and Rosie were so young and filled with optimism in the flash backs and you don’t know that it would have worked, that they would have gotten away, that it would have lasted but by the end of the book you feel such anger, such hurt that they never got the chance to find out. This is part devastating love story, part crime novel and I love Tana French for that- for not making this a standard procedural but really digging deep into this small, awful crime and what a terrible, lasting thing loss is.

Also, as an aside: I adored the way Tana French wrote Frank’s relationship with his daughter and ex-wife. It was slightly heart breaking, but lovely.

22) House of Stone by Vaughn R Demont – This is not a great book, but its a very entertaining one .I do like this authors writing style, its quite chatty and conversational but never irritating, and there are moments of startling beauty and intelligence that can be truly moving amongst an otherwise light, humorous, plot hole filled book. It’s a satisfying quick read, as long as you don’t think about it too much afterwards, lest you start noticing all those flaws.

The only thing that really annoys me about this author is that all his books are loosely connected. they are all set in the same world, but at different times and amongst a different set of magical beings and honestly, its distracting because with every hint at another book I start trying to link them together, rather than focusing on the book on hand. Worse, I cannot fathom how they are supposed to go together and it drives me INSANE and it kinda ruins this authors books for me, just a little (although this book is not the worst for it. Some of his others suffer more from this terrible need to link them together)

23) Unnatural Selection by Ann Somerville- This book was…flat. It got better towards the end, when the characters finally started developing some chemistry but meh. Unlikeable characters, a relationship that felt forced, and a plot that was fairly mundane too. Also: I predicted the villain right from the start. No more ann somerville for me.

24) The Governess Affair by Courtney Milan – This is a short, very sweet, very romantic novella. Both characters had strong personalities but were extremely likeable. I especially like what Milan did with the character of the wolf- he could have easily been a bit of a jerk, but she fleshed him out marvellously and made him very sympathetic. The final marriage scene was gorgeously creative, so sweet and hot at once. And I loved that he grew to respect and admire her before loving her. And how, once the relationship began he still respected her such a great amount he would go to such great lengths for her, put her needs before his. That level of trust, respect and selfless support affects me more than any declaration of love.

25) Coyote’s Creed by Vaughn R. Demont – OK, so this is not a good book either. It’s better than House of Stone, but I say that only because I absolutely adore the characters of this book. I love Spencer especially. He’s an immature 18 year old delinquent with a bit of a heart of gold, but mostly he’s just a pathetic, mouthy brat. I love that. I love that he’s a immature teenager written like one and as such, completely unprepared for the adventure he’s been set on. I also love the handling of the main relationship- how Spencer is not in love, and that’s OK because he’s young and really not in the right head space for all that. There are some repeated phrases and stuff, and that would be annoying, if only it weren’t for the author making it an ongoing joke in the story itself that gets caled out by the characters themselves. You get the feeling that Demont really has a lot of fun writing his books. This book makes me laugh, and like House of Stone, there are these moments of beautiy that really get you. It’s totally flawed, but I love it anyway. (Now, if only its loose sequel did not slightly ruin this book for me. This book does suffer from being interconnected, unfortunately.)

26) Little Girl Lost by Brian McGilloway – I admit, I bought this mostly because it was 59p and I was desperate for something new to read that would not break the bank. This revealed itself to be a fairly interesting, albeit fairly standard police procedural. I think the reason I really enjoyed it was because I felt drawn to the main character- Lucy. She’s not a tough, hard drinking detective. She’s a vulnerable young woman, competent at her job but still unsure of herself, a police officer more because she was not sure what else to do rather than a passion for it. I really, really liked her. I do wish the book ended better though, the pacing went a bit funny toward the end and the ending felt slightly rushed to a conclusion, with a few frayed plot threads left hanging.

27) Country Mouse by Amy Lane and Aleksandr Voinov – This book was not what I expected. It sounded so fluffy and trite, but revealed itself to be something else entirely. There’s a surprising depth to this book and to these characters. And yet, I found myself merely liking it. Not loving it. I’m also a little annoyed that the sequel is £4.61, even though its equally as short.

28) Hemovore by Jordan Castillo Price – read this in one sitting. could not put it down. Vampirism as a disease is not exactly a unique plot, but it is always interesting to see what authors do with it. I liked it here, it was dark and slightly heartbreaking, but not entirely hopeless. Everything was consistent and made sense and I never felt lost. Also Mark and Jonathan were extremely likeable characters, and the romance very, very sweet. My only complaint is that it wraps up very neatly. Perhaps a little too neatly.

The One With the Diet

Man, the last entry was a little bit emotional wasn’t it? I think this one is also going to be a confused, rambling sort. I think that is generally my state of mind right now. Confused. Overwhelmed. Conflicted. Well, whatever. Let me get on with it.

I woke up naturally at 9am today, which was disorienting, as I’d gone to bed at 5am. I remember having bad dreams. I don’t know what they were about. But I woke up feeling slightly disturbed and not at all tired, as if afraid to fall asleep again. I decided that since I was up and about I might as well do something with my day. I’d planned to go shopping earlier in the week, then ditched the plan yesterday, and impulsively at 9am today I decided that yeah I totally would. I had convinced myself I really would like those items I saw last week, so off I went, slightly nervous as how KL would be on a public holiday.

Turns out, just like usual. Maybe a tiny bit more crowded but not as bad as I was expecting. I even got a seat on the sky train.

I went to H&M first and typically the top I had been eyeing was itchy and looked awful on me. Most other things were like that too. Shopping is so often like that, isn’t it? Either its the wrong price, material, color, pattern, fit… the list goes on. I ended up with a couple of basic t shirts (and again, my credit card did not work, meaning I had to wander around for 20 minutes looking for an ATM to draw money. ARGH) I then headed on to Sephora, where I bought a couple of items. One I had been wanting for a while and was pleased to get, the other was an impulse born from my anger and frustration over my money situation and my stress over everything in general right now and I really think I could have done without it. Somewhere between the mess with my credit card and sephora I seemed to have decided fuck budgeting, fuck dieting, fuck everything and set myself on a dangerous course of an impulsive, emotion driven shopping binge.

Heading away from Sephora, I went into pavilion and down to a donut shop on the bottom floor I’d seen last week and had been eyeing then. I was going to buy one donut, but of course I bought six. And I so badly wanted coffee…so I got one. I felt a thrill of pleasure when I sat down to enjoy them but that did not last. I’d broken my diet, wasted precious money, for no reason at all.

Oh yes, I mentioned a diet did I not? That is, I’m currently aiming to cut out almost all dairy from my diet. Yep, you read that right. Me, the one with the sweet tooth who lives off cake and chocolate. However I read once, or maybe I was told, that dairy is often a cause of eczema. Which is something I suffer from badly, and have done so long enough to warrant the motivation to begin such extreme diet change.

I went into this diet without much thought, right back at the beginning of last summer. I stopped buying milk and bought rice milk instead. I bought plain vanilla soya milk to replace the loss of greek yogurt. I stopped eating cheese sauce with my pasta, and had tomato based sauces instead. I still ate bread and cake, with the plan being I’d reduce the amount of dairy first, allowing traces, to get used to it, to test it out, before really committing to it. And then I came to Malaysia, university started up again and together these two things made it hard to do even that. I was travelling and experiencing new cultures, I did not want to think about dieting! So I let myself break the rules on holiday. I was stressed and I wanted chocolate! So I had chocolate.

Today, I went and I bought myself six cream filled donuts and a creme brulee coffee that was half cream. The first sip was heavenly, the first bite delightful, but by the time I was finished the coffee and two of the donuts I felt nauseous. That’s the thing that also prompted me to accept this diet as something I should do for my overall well being, not just try out for the sake of my skin. That is: I’ve possibly always been slightly intolerant to dairy, actually. I love milkshakes, but I’ve not been allowed to drink them since I was small because they’d make me ill. I also have never been able to stomach omelets or too much egg in other forms. I could not tolerate rich, creamy deserts. I rarely ate yogurt, and when I did I had only a small spoonful with dry cereal, because I could not tolerate it otherwise. I could only ever eat mild cheeses like red Leicester and Gloucester, others made me feel ill. When I ate cheesy pasta for supper I enjoyed it but I could only manage half the portion of my sister, and I always felt off afterwards. I never recognised it though, that thing that was staring me in the face. The feeling that I’d eaten something wrong for me. I like cheese and yogurt and milk and cream. I like these things. But I have to accept they actually do not agree with me. I felt so ill today. I still feel ill.

And somewhere along the line I had accepted that ill feeling for full. That’s the problem, right there. I never feel full anymore. I always want to snack. I don’t know how to recognise when I’ve eaten enough anymore, because I often stopped once I felt ill. Oh if I eat enough food then I’ll know. When I went to morganfields and had clearly more food than I could stomach I felt full but in a borderline ill, over stuffed kind of way. But I don’t always want to be eating these huge portions to end up feeling completely over stuffed to know that yes, I’ve had enough. More than that, I’m wanting to snack because I crave the foods I should be working to cut out- fatty, heavy(for me) junk like pizza, chocolate, cake, donuts, even a glass of hot…well cold chocolate is dairy. If I eat properly, and follow the diet, I do not feel satisfied. and without a proper kitchen nor the equipment to make substitutes, well…

Reducing dairy is making me face my issues with food head on and its..uncomfortable, to realise the extent of these issues. I am an emotional eater and it really is very bad. I have a tendency to think I’m hungry when I’m bored/stressed/emotional and I tend to crave fatty, heavy foods, to want to eat until I feel ill, exactly like what too much dairy does to me. Too much rich, creamy chocolate or cake. I want to enjoy the sweet things I like, rather than mindlessly stuff myself full of them until I literally cannot take another bite because I don’t even know… it just makes me feel good. I love that sugar high, too. the combinational sugar high and caffeine high is even better. gosh, after I’d had that coffee I had so much energy. I went and browsed around the mall some, ended up in a cute accessories shop and it was there I realized I was running out of money. Disappointed, I spent an unfortunate amount of time umming and ahhing over the three sets of accessories I wanted and finally settled on one. Then I went to find an ATM to see if my card would let me take anything more from it. It did not and I was disappointed. in retrospect,I am so glad. I could have continued for many more hours, wasting my money. Well, not necessarily wasting. But there is a difference between seeing something and analysing clearly Do I need this or do I just want it? Is it worth the price? Will it last? What can I wear it with? Rather than just seeing something going want and ending up being blinded by that want. It’s the same with the diet. Its one thing continuing to eat bread with the traces of milk, and another thing to set out to have something as dairy-filled as possible.

Today was a day of reckless, thoughtless spending. Breaking the budget, breaking the diet. In many ways I had a lovely day, so maybe today was something I needed, maybe I woke up today so I could have this one crazy day to let my emotions drive me, and so get them out. But I’m still left disappointed in myself. I’m going to have to do better than this.

Just, no more binging. Man, just no more binging.

I should be optimistic though. I have plans, goals. With the diet, that is. I think once I’m back in the UK it will be better. I’ve already wish-listed a bunch of world war two cookbooks (mock dairy products and dairy free cakes!) and vegan cookbooks and this summer I’m looking forward to learning how to bake my own dairy free bread, making my own granola bars and experimenting with egg free cakes. I should be able to introduce some dairy free sweet treats into my diet that will do something about these cravings and still be relatively healthy too.

I am disappointed in what I did today, but I do not want to beat myself up about it. I don’t want to get obsessive with this diet. More than that, I want to enjoy this. I want to do this and to enjoy it. It should be possible. I gave up using shampoo easily enough, after two years it has become habit. Once you replace your old bad habits with good ones its hard to notice the difference- habit is habit, after all. But this is much bigger than just giving up one product. This is giving up so much. I want pizza and ice cream and yes, more coffee and donuts. But I must not. Even so, I have to remember that I am still easing into this. Its too difficult to properly do this non-dairy thing under the circumstances of student halls, and I am living abroad, so the rules can be lax. As long as they don’t completely relax like today.

It’s late now. I should probably try and get some sleep, although my mind still feels wide awake. Big surprise there.

Listening To: Namie Amuro - GO ROUND (DJ AMAYA vs GROOVEBOT REMIX)

“Will the moon understand my loneliness? Wonder if the stars understand my scars.”

Yesterday actually turned out to be a lovely day. I had one lecture in the afternoon, so I slept in and took my time to get ready. Once I got to lecture my friend told me he’d pick me up later, which was very helpful, then went off before I could ask him to be just a little bit more specific. I managed to get his attention after the lecture and he told me he’ll pick me up in 15 minutes. Ok, so I was no expecting such a small time frame. I rushed back to halls and threw everything into my handbag and only just noticed he’d texted me that he was already there. 5 minutes early. Typical. I rushed out and met him outside halls and then we drove to the mall. We chatted the whole way and it wasn’t awkward, you know. It was actually quite nice. i mean, I did say some things that made me go fuck self, really but not as bad I can get. Nothing mortifying. At the mall we went and ate supper- subway sandwiches, and he bought us these Chinese sesame snacks which were very tasty. The one had a peanut filling, and the other had something called lotus(?) in them. I have no idea what that is. Poor guy could not explain in English either XD We finished just on time for the movie. By this time I was nervous…because he kept telling me we were going to see a horror movie, after I told him I’d watch anything but horror. Oh I knew he was joking, but I wasn’t quite sure. Thankfully, It turned out to be a action movie. He seemed greatly amused at my relief. ¬__¬ It was a terrible movie, but in a fun way. We giggled and whispered to each other throughout which only made it more entertaining. Its also really weird and interesting that in this country they blank out the audio every time a character swears, which makes for an intriguing movie experience!

Once the movie was over, my friend drove me back to halls, and we still talked and I was actually still managing to not make a fool of myself.

I think though… I think I’m more socially awkward when you first meet me. If you get through the initial “did she really just say what I thought she said?” and bouts of uncomfortable silence as you wait for me to respond, and don’t make a HUGE DEAL of the fact that I am shy, then its actually ok. It’s just, most people don’t get past the shyness, or make a huge deal out of and make me feel even more uncomfortable than I already probably am. (seriously, if someone is shy don’t draw attention to it, please? it’s like saying well, this is awkward and effectively making it more so) There are so few people who will stick around. Who will make an effort to get past and to accept the silences, the offishness and the awkwardness, and see the other parts of my personality. I’d like to think that I am more than just shy and awkward, that underneath that there is something worth getting to know. :( But there are few who will take my personality just as it is, and accept it. I cannot believe this person seems to have.

Anyway, I had a lovely time. You know , this was the first time I went outside of uni with someone I met at uni? And it wasn’t nerve wracking. I came back and I wasn’t exhausted, just really relaxed and happy, because I had been exactly myself. That sounds weird, but I have such trouble trusting people that I am constantly putting up walls, getting anxious, and I rarely relax and be myself. I always look forward to seeing my sister or my best friend, as they have always been the only ones that I can let my guard down around, and that is such a fucking relief you know. it feels so wonderful jut to be myself for even a few hours and not to have to worry about it. in this case, not have to worry too much. I’m not entirely trusting this person yet. Really, it makes me terrified to think I am beginning to trust them, because I don’t want to. I want to put my walls back up and stay hidden behind them, always. I have been hurt before, and I don’t want to be hurt again. And it also makes me so, so sad that I’d have to make someone I would sorta call a friend here. Although I sometimes think to myself I’m ready to leave Malaysia, sometimes I do think I don’t want to leave. I’m conflicted, basically. There are definitely some things I will miss about here. I have begun to feel slightly settled here.

That’s the thing about studying abroad for a year. It is that you go for a year, which gives you the safety of a return ticket, but you are going for a year, which gives you plenty of time to settle, then having to leave just as you think to yourself, yeah, I’m doing OK here. And I do miss things about the UK. When I get frustrated or down its reassuring to think about going back. But at the same time I don’t like the UK. I’ve never felt like I fit there. It’s never felt right. It’s not my home and I’ve never thought of it such. I don’t know. Maybe when I go back the time away will have uncovered some fondness for the country?

Its just, more than that,I am dreading going to university for third year back in the UK. I did not make any friends in first year, and by third year everyone will be in pretty solid friendship groups. Where am I going to fit in? I did not fit in the first time, after all. I’m too shy, I don’t drink and I don’t go clubbing and in the UK if you don’t do those things, making friends becomes infinitely harder. Almost too hard to bother. I have a huge group project next year and I worry. Who will I be with? Will I get on with them? It’s wierd. I have been in a different university every single year for the past three years, and now I am returning to the same one as first year. Just.. it makes me nervous.

And I do feel sad that I’m probably never going to see, or speak to, these friends I’ve begin to make here ever again. :( I want to onto onto these friendships somehow, even though I’m not sure if they are actually friendships, if I’m not making a big deal out of nothing (as I tend to do, admiteddly). I don’t know. Just, I had so much fun yesterday. And studying in the libary. Sitting whispering to each other in lectures. All these small things I’ve never had in my foundation or first year of uni. All these tiny little social interactions that I did not think I needed or would enjoy, but I do. I do.

It’s always on my mind now. Just two months to go. I cannot believe how quickly the time is going. I’m starting to get really scared. About my last bunch of exams, about going to Japan, and finally, going back to the UK. It’s just happening so quickly.

Post Title: Outsider- Acquaintance
mood: hungry

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