Honest Lies – Page 59 – "Okay, so I'm the dragon. Big deal. You still get to be the hero."

Welcome! Honest Lies is the personal site of a 26 year old graduate electrical engineer living in the UK. Covering every day life, books and various other randomness. Read more about me and the site here.

The one with all the archery

Archery today was pretty awful. I arrived late and couldn’t find a bow, then I got a bow without screws, so I had to get another one, which then I assembled with the limbs upside down, then I realized as I was about to shoot that I had a left hand bow, then I had to take down the damn thing, then I had to find another bow even though it took me like 10 minutes to find that one (I use a super light bow- a 24 pound- because I am weak like that and well most of the bows are at least 28 because most aren’t as weak as I am) and then once I found it I had to build it, which thankfully I got right this time, although I almost forgot to attach the sight. And then I attached the sight the wrong way round too. ARGH. The one experienced archer was all “…did you pass the beginners course?” and I was just wanted to go home, curl up and go back to sleep and pretend nothing had happened.

Then I had to actually shoot and my arrows were going all over the place. I don’t care about getting a 10, I just want three in the same damn place and I can’t. Just. I’m so rubbish. I kinda want to stop doing it but then I feel like I shouldn’t. Not only because I’m spent money on joining the club and getting a beginners pack (i.e a quiver, arm-guard and tab) but because I’m always like this- I attempt to do things, and then it gets to the point where it starts getting more serious/formal and I realize I’m not very good and everyone else is way better and I start getting anxious about doing it and I start dreading doing it and then I quit. I’m a quitter and I know it and I don’t want to be. I don’t want to be this person. I don’t want to regret not doing something because I was too much of a coward to stick with it. ARGH

Shouldn’t one grow out of this terrifying anxiety? This fear of doing things and getting them wrong? I annoy myself with the way I am sometimes.

(End note to self: Remember- The limb with the writing on goes at the bottom, the short part of the string goes towards the top and if your arrows are going low then move the sight down, similarly if they are going left move the sight to the left. I think that’s right. Perhaps I’ve already forgotten D: )

Listening To: T-ARA - lies
mood: cold

netbook
Behold my new laptop! Well, technically it’s a netbook. But I like to think of it as a “little laptop.” I have some better pictures but unfortunately I only realized after taking them that you can see my washing hanging up to dry in the background. You can still kind of see it in this pic, but it’s just my towels so it’s ok! (And the weird black thing is the back of my chair- just fyi.)

Anyway. I have never owned a laptop before this and I never thought I’d need one until I actually started studying. As I struggle not to get distracted in my room I would go to the library, settle down and do my work but I soon realized that I had no access to online resources (e.g answers to problem sheets, past papers) and that I needed them. So I shamelessly begged my father for a little laptop and surprisingly he said yes. I didn’t even have to give the speech I had prepared. :o I picked it up when I went home last weekend, had my dad teach me how to actually use it, and I’ve used it almost every day since.

I don’t really feel like I’m doing well in my degree. I’m still struggling with the work and to understand it all. So I’ve been trying to do something about it. I go to the library a few nights a week and I work through problems, and read through textbooks, and get frustrated and take 10 minutes out to browse the web before getting stuck back into it. I’m not sure how productive it really is but I’d like to think something is better than nothing. That it will eventually click and I’ll get it. And I definitely think having a laptop has helped. Not only do I have access to all those things, but I also have internet access so I can take those breaks that ensure I’m in the library longer- an hour studying, 10 min break, another hour, another break, another hour. You know? I really want to do well. I’ve gotten terrible marks on everything so far and I’m so desperate to get my grades up on all the upcoming tests T__T Not to mention exams themselves aren’t far enough away now T__T

Also although I primarily use this little laptop for work I admit it’s also fabulous for watching dramas in bed. There’s something quite wonderful about being all warm and snuggly whilst watching TV. Not that I do that much. Definitely not. ;)

After a long while, some more no poo talk

I haven’t posted about no poo in a while have I? But I am actually still not using shampoo. I just checked and I started this thing in February which would make roughly 8 months since I stopped using Shampoo. I actually feel a bit shocked at that; I thought I’d only been at this for only 6 months. Who knew it has been so long? I admit the temptation to use shampoo is still there- because when my hair looks especially bad I long for the squeaky cleanness, and mostly I want to see what my hair was like with shampoo, and confirm that no poo is better (for me). I’m sure no poo is better. And even if it isn’t, it’s habit now. I’m used to it and it would actually be strange to use shampoo again. My hair is growing nicely (which is important, as I stupidly cut it all off and I’m desperate to get it back to the length it was, and then longer) and it has more curl and volume than it ever had before. It’s soft and healthy. Being no poo has also introduced me to the world of natural body care- I now use a sweet almond oil+vitamin e oil mix for my body (and I’m saving for some coconut oil to add to that mix) and I use a honey+brown sugar scrub to exfoliate. Before, I couldn’t do things like moisturize or exfoliate as I could never find a moisturizer that didn’t break out one part of my body into ugly rashes, likewise for exfoliaters. But these natural things work and don’t irritate my skin at all. It’s kinda brilliant.

Back to no poo.

I think, strangely, no poo worked best when I was on holiday in South Africa and Zimbabwe. I was so worried about how it would work out when I was on holiday but it turned out to be more than fine. I’m not sure what it is about the water there, though I suspect softness, because no poo just worked., No rinses necessary, nothing. It was so easy. My hair was never greasy or waxy, it got really clean, it was soft and shiny, my scalp wasn’t as itchy. It was wonderful.

I long for how it was when I was on holiday. After coming back from holiday I realised I needed to change up my routine. My hair was no way as lovely- it was horribly waxy. I realized that my water was probably hard so I read up on dealing with that and found a number of things to try. First, I tried Apple Cider vinegar, which did a lot for waxiness but left my hair greasy and lank and generally gross looking, and I tried white vinegar, which had much the same effects. And both gave me eczema on my shoulders. Ugh. Then I tried lemon juice and that worked pretty well. My hair wasn’t as waxy and seemed to be coming clean. So I continued with the lemon juice. Since coming to uni I’m not sure if my routine is working anymore. My hair is waxy, and doesn’t seem to come clean. My scalp is itchy and flaking more. Sure, there may be external factors- diet, stress etc. But I’m beginning to think my routine needs to change. I gathered courage and posted to the no poo community on livejournal and received lots of advice ranging from different ways to use lemon juice, to using EOs, to herbal infusions etc.

I have thought about it and I’ve decided to take a break from lemon juice now and try alternate things first. If none of those things work I’ll go back to lemon juice, but I’ll try using fresh lemon juice and I’ll try not using as much or using it less often.

I went to Holland and Barret today and discovered I couldn’t really afford, well, anything. Not even vitamin supplements. Lol. So I’ll first try out those things I do own. I have rosemary and ylang ylang EOs which I plan to try for my rinse tonight. Then on Friday night I will dab almond oil on my scalp, and on Saturday morning I will wash my hair as usual and if the EO’s work I’ll use them again, but if they don’t I’ll try a green tea rinse. Green tea is all I have so it’s what I’ll use XD If tea seems to agree with my hair I’ll buy some lemon tea, or nettle tea. I wanted rosemary tea but I discovered it doesn’t actually exist XD I’m keen to try a parsley infusion too, as I checked out the price of it and its just over £1 for a little plant that I can easily grow on my windowsill. I also really want to try the rosemary infusion but alas, I don’t think I can grow rosemary on my windowsill. :(

That really is all there is too it. I hope I can get no poo to work for me again, because when no poo works it is wonderful. It’s just putting up with all the gross-ness when it doesn’t work that is the hard part!

Listening To: JUJU- Itsukara ka...zutto
mood: relaxed

Goodbye Days

I thought I would keep track of my university life here but umm…that didn’t quite work out did it? These past couple of weeks have gone by in a blur.

I’m utterly exhausted at the moment. Partly from early start every day, and the long walk across campus every day (the campus that is pretty but hilly. And I always seem to be going uphill ¬_¬) A larger part because I got woken up the other night by the fire alarm going off. At 1.49am. At first I sat up, decided I was dreaming and curled up back in bed but eventually I dragged myself out, only just remembering to grab my sweater and lock my door. What followed was over an hour stood outside, half asleep, and bored, without a watch or my phone to keep track of time, and no idea what’s going on. I met up with my neighbour and we had random conversation, comparing all the things that didn’t work in our rooms (no hot water and terrible internet seems to be common). Of course the fire was in my block so by the time we were let in, my block had further wait for the smoke to filter out. Got back to bed at 3:48am. Had to wake up at 7am the next day. It was hell. Although thankfully no damage, of course. Living in halls is quite…interesting? There are certain things I hate about it, and the food is so-so to do-I-have-to-eat-this but my room is comfortable and it gets cleaned for me and the bathroom is decent (usable) and also gets cleaned for me and I get £5.10 a day to spend at any university food outlet at lunch so I think its ok. The internet sucks though: my dad is helping me buy a 3G dongle. It is that bad. Some days I can’t connect at all. And yes, it’s sad I can’t browse the web but I’m also thinking that this wouldn’t be good when I do actually have coursework to do- you know?

I don’t have any coursework right now, though slowly the work is piling up. I have completely forgotten everything from my foundation year too, which is horrible. I have a big list of things-I-need-to-go-over already and no motivation to actually do that. Can’t believe I’m already being so lazy D: Did I mention I was tired though? That’s not a good excuse is it? My schedule is not really that packed, but I have a 9am start everyday. Monday’s are the worst- with lectures from 9:00am-13:00pm and then 14:00pm-16:00pm and then Japanese class from 18:30pm-20:30pm. I like my degree, and my university, but I have some bad lecturers and well, two hours on maths is just not fun. You go into Engineering knowing its going to be hard, but its only once you’re doing it that it hits you just how difficult it is. And this is only first year. My friend is in 2nd year of the same course and her schedule is just…I don’t know how she does it. Anyway, I think so far maths is the worst, followed closely by labs, and then programming. I am still amazed I am actually learning programming. It’s interesting but so hard and I keep making stupid mistakes. Today I commented out all my code, didn’t realise and asked one of the PhD students for help- “it won’t work”. The look he gave me…it was so embarrassing.

Apart from university things I did manage to join a few clubs/societies. Freshers fair was the most petrifying thing ever, but I got free pizza, and I stumbled upon a club I didn’t think of joining before. Which would be archery. Yeah, I do archery every Wednesday. It’s a good sport for someone un-athletic, although I wouldn’t say it’s easy. But it’s something I can do, and it can be boring, but it’s something to do, and it can be kind of fun. And you know, archery. That’s cool. Also joined badminton, for which I had my first session last Friday. That was super awkward. So many people. So many people who could play badminton. I was painfully bad and I had no idea about the rules which made it all worse. It was awfully embarrassing. Oh well. It can only get better? Also joined a charity group, cos its free and pretty low commitment- you can sign up to help out with whatever you want. And of course, Japanese lessons. I am learning Japanese…again. Third times a charm? The first lesson was on Monday and I’ve forgotten how awkward and embarrassing language learning in a class can be, but it’s a language I love which makes it easier. I will do it this time: I’m spending so much on it I hope that becomes the motivation for me to finally get somewhere with it!!

Everything about this, this whole university thing, is awkward and embarrassing in so many ways. So many awkward, “did I just say that?!”, wish the ground would swallow you whole kind of moments. I have managed to meet a couple of people, I guess. I went with one guy to Tesco one night. He’s a little strange, but nice, and genuine. I went to lunch with another guy which was the most awkward thing ever. Man, I was so glad when that was over (I think he was too). And I had my first lab session yesterday and the guys I’m with are both really nice, clever without being snobby/arrogant about it…which is basically who you want in a lab partner. o/ And yes, all guys. There seemed to be a few more girls than I was expecting during Week one, but I don’t know what happened to them all cos there’s only about 10 or 13 now. :/ I’ve met people through my clubs/societies though, and its fun to meet a lot of other people who are also not into the clubbing, getting drunk thing, cos so many people in my halls seem to be (I get the pleasure of listening to people shouting “wake up! Time for lectures!” at 2am and music so loud you can feel it, cleverly played before the 11pm quiet time begins…) I don’t really speak to people in my halls usually, and I eat my meals alone, but I’m cool with that. I get on with the people in my course thus far, and I’ve started to make acquaintances in my clubs/societies. And really, I’ve grown to accept that I’m not going to be one of those people who come to uni and go out to clubs etc…and that will make it a bit of a longer process to meet people…but that’s OK. I’m doing this my own way, and it’s OK.

I wouldn’t say I’ve entirely settled in, but I’m getting the hang of this university living-away-at-home thing. I would like to think. At first I was a bit worried, about everything, about meeting people, about living in halls, but I am managing to cope. And I’m glad I came here. Despite this, I’m also glad to be going home for a couple of days this weekend. No, actually I cannot wait. I do still miss home in some ways : (

There’s so much more I could say, but this long ramble is enough for now. I’ve installed the wordpress app on my phone so hopefully I will manage to post shorter posts more frequently from now on! (Maybe…)

Listening To: T-ARA Roly Poly
mood: tired

Take the light inside you like a blessing, like a knee in the chest, holding onto it and not letting it go. Now let it go.

University internet is painfully slow. My super fast intent at home has ruined me and I hate having to actually wait for pages to load! And yes, I am writing this sat in my new room in university halls. The summer holiday passed me by completely- spent mainly lazing around watching dramas and mindlessly surfing the internet. I did venture out for a trip to IKEA with my dad, and to Liverpool to go shopping (and a little reminiscing about the time I spent there), and to Manchester to meet with my sister and do even more shopping. Apart from that, nothing much. I also took a long break from the social network side of the internet- no blogging, or twitter, nothing. It was painfully boring, sitting around doing nothing, but relaxing and I knew then I’ll miss it and I know now I miss it. This whole moving business crept up on me in a way, sitting around at home it seemed so far away but then suddenly it was today and I was sitting in car piled high with all my stuff, driving to a completely new place, to start on a new pathway.

The drive was fairly painless- no traffic at all, so it took about an hour and a half. My dad took me down and we chatted a little, but mainly sat in silence. We did have fun spotting the other cars piled high with stuff on the same route as us. Arriving at the uni I checked in and received an information pack along with my student id and room key. My room was on the first floor, and I went with my dad to check it out before starting to unload my stuff. I was surprised at how large my room was. There is so much space in this place, though who knows how long it will last (of course) My room is at the end of the first floor, so there won’t be too many people walking by which is good. However it’s right next to the bathroom which is good as short distance for me, but bad cos I can hear everyone else going in there. Oh well. My room is large with plenty of space for all my stuff and that’s enough. I helped my dad unload the car. It took about four trips, where of course my dad took everything heavy and I took everything light. Finally everything was in my room. My dad left briefly to go park the car somewhere else and I set about unpacking. My dad came back and settled down to sort out my computer and I continued to unpack and organize all my things. We took a brief break for lunch only. My sister phoned too, and I chatted with her a bit. I finished all my unpacking in about 2 or 3 hours, and then I was left to chat with my dad. It started to hit me around then, that I was going to be all alone in this big room for the next year, in this city away from home, and I only then really began to feel like I could just sit and cry and cry. My dad left at around 3. I walked him to the car and waved him off, then came back to my room to listen to some sad music and I let myself cry, just a little. It’s weird, being in this new space, not having my parents around me, not having my cat around me (I really miss my cat).

I had a talk to attend, and then I came back to my room, then fire drill (where I finally said hello to the girl living in the room opposite me, and we got hopelessly lost coming back to our rooms cos we both suck at directions). Then back to my rooms to mope some more. Then dinner of awkwardness. I had to queue up ages to get my food, only to realize I was tired and sad and didn’t particular feel like eating. I left most of it; I just couldn’t bring myself to eat. The food was OK though, a decent enough choice of things. I sat by myself, opposite some other girl who I had been standing behind in the queue and we hadn’t spoken, so I assumed we could just continue to be around each other and not actually speak. Yeah, pretty awkward. But at least I could eat dinner quietly. Anyway, after supper more moping around. Then I had another talk to attend. On the walk to that talk I actually bumped into another engineering student, who is also in my hall, who is also a girl. I was so surprised, but I think she was too, cos that’s just way too many coincidences you know? Anyway, conversation fizzled out and I sat quietly to wait for the talk to behind. Talk over I came back to my room where I am about to make something to eat, put on my pajamas and watch some FRIENDS before going to bed. Early start tomorrow, and a day packed with lectures.

I am exhausted, a little sad, very terrified, very nervous and worried and maybe a bit excited. Mostly I am a whole bunch of negative emotions rn. This is all very, very scary. It’s just all so different.

Listening To: Coffee House OST
mood: tired

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