Welcome! Honest Lies is the personal site of a 26 year old graduate electrical engineer living in the UK. Covering every day life, books and various other randomness. Read more about me and the site here.

Bo Peep Bo Peep Bo Peep

For the first time last year (this year?) I went somewhere for new years.

I know right?

I went to my bests friends house for the evening. My best friend was there and 3 others. It was a small gathering but it was nicer for that. We played games- first a game of Articulate where I’m sure I got a little over-excited/loud and my team still lost miserably, then a game of pictionary that dragged on forever although my team did win despite my poor friend  laughing in helpless despair at my strange drawings that didn’t seem at all related to the question (she didn’t understand my artistic vision :P). We talked a lot and ate lots of food (chocolate is food). I enjoyed hearing about their university experiences. Unlike me they are all having the full uni experience of living away from home. My one friend goes to university in London which is quite exicting; I’m making a mental note to visit her sometime! The train to London can be cheap but accommodation is always expensive- not anymore! XD Three out of four of my friends say they aren’t enjoying uni, and two of my friends say they are struggling to make friends. The latter scares me the most because I’m 10 times more awkward and anti-social than them, and I have weirder hobbies (they like popular TV and books. I like Japanese/Korean shit that no one has heard of). Conclusion: I am going to die when/if I leave home.  D: I have no friends right now but its ok because I can just come home and retreat to my room, instead of being in a flat/hall of people I am awkward around.

As new years approached we got out glow sticks,  party poppers and a bottle of bucks fizz. We gathered round the TV and watched the count down in London, then the fireworks. Soon after I left. I felt unwell the whole night, and moody so I felt a bit awkward but it was still somewhat fun. I wish I could’ve drunk (not because I’m some kind of crazed alcoholic but because it may have helped me loosen help…or turned me more moody. Either way I would have risked it for the chance to loosen up a little). Unfortunately I was on strong pain killers which meant I had to be very careful. And said painkillers despite being strong don’t work that well which meant I was in a lot of pain the whole evening. Feeling unwell was the only thing that I hated about last night and maybe my lack of brain to mouth filter. I’m still such an awkward person. I worry about what others think and whether they really want me there. I can’t help it, paranoid thoughts like that come as naturally as breathing. :( It was much nicer to be around my friends though than being surrounded by strangers at University. My friends by now have some understanding of how odd I am and if they are still putting up with me I must be doing something right.

Lastly me and my friends decided we’d write down three goals for 2011 to stash away until next new years, then see then if we’d kept them. There’s a lot that could go wrong with that but still, it was fun. I only have one real goal this year, so I made up two silly ones to make up the full number XD My goals were thus:

1. Get into first year engineering. The important and most obvious and the one I really need to focus on. My one friend is doing the course I want and she hates it so I am nervous about it but at the same time its something I want to do and I  have come too far now to turn back. I’ve paid my dues and I’m hoping, a little desperately, that this will be my year to succeed. At the same time I know it rests a lot on myself and my attitude. I am constantly trying to find the motivation to get motivated (coffee man!) but that isn’t good enough. I need to do well in my foundation degree.

(She says whilst procrastination from her work…)

2. Read all of Haruki Murakami’s books. I love Haruki Murakami. Kafka on the Shore was amazing and I vowed to read the rest but alas I never got round to it. His books are much more expensive than the usual 90’s fantasy books I buy for 1p+150p shipping. The most I spend on books is 400p usually. Murakamis are about 500p or often more. Either way I must read them all!

(My pound sign on my keyboard is broken. Deal with me writing in pence!)

3. Get 3rd piercing. I have long decided I want 3 piercings. Why? No reason, I just like the number three. I finally got the second piercing in my ear this year but I want to get my nose pierced still. I’ve been putting it off though because I’m not sure how professional it is. Its all very well for university but how will it affect me when I want to get a job? I want to work in a professional environment and thus I will need to look it. A nose piercing is pricey, painful and takes a long time to heal (which means having to clean it everyday for months, not a job to take lightly) so I’m not just getting it only to let it heal in a few years. Which means I’m thinking of either a 3rd piercing in my ear or reevaluating my stance on body piercings. I’m not a fan of belly button piercings (and nipple piercings are just D:) but they are discreet. I now have all of this year to ponder it and then go for it!

These aren’t resolutions. The first one is a necessity and the other two are just silly. It will be amazing if we actually do have a similar gathering next year and remember about these (and find they haven’t been lost in Narnia or thrown away) and get to look back.

Happy new years everyone! : )

2011

I used to be one of those people who wished in the new year everything would somehow change and become better. The past couple of years I’ve done my best to stop thinking this way. Things won’t change magically as the next year rolls around. Instead of making new years resolutions why not set goals right now? If you’re unhappy there is nothing you can do in the new year that you can do right this moment. Despite that I am in some ways looking forward to 2011 cos of all the things coming up in it. At the same time the thought of all those things happening in 2011 makes me petrified. 2011 is gonna be a continuation of 2010- another year of moving forward, growing up and wading into unfamiliar territories despite really not wanting to (until you’re up to your neck in it and close to drowning). I’m looking at 2011 in a kind of nervous, anxious, hopeful way: scared but determined to do my best.

I don’t have any big goals right now. In September maybe I imagined all those things I would do this year but not anymore. I’m keeping it small and manageable: concentrate on uni, do my best and work hard to get the best grades I can. That is all I want from the first half of 2011. The rest will come later.

First: MERRY CHRISTMAS! Hope those who have already celebrated had a good one, and those still celebrating are enjoying themselves.

For me Christmas this year has been neither good nor bad. Rather, just mundane. Christmas has been this way for a while but for some reason I always expect something more and thus always end up a little disappointed. Yesterday Christmas eve was nothing special and I guess I hoped Christmas might be fun but it has turned out to be just as dull. We all overslept so we only got to present opening about midday. (There was no waking each other up and running downstairs tired but excited like we used to do when we were younger, we all just kind of gathered with as much excitement as we could muster). Present opening is always fun and one of the things I love about Christmas. (IDC if that makes me spoilt or materialistic; receiving things is FUN. I also like seeing how people react to the things I get them as I get nervous my presents aren’t good enough. It fills me with relief when they like them.) Now that me and my sister are older we still get more presents than we probably should but its all very little things: ornaments, fashion jewelry, cosmetics, chocolate/food, stationery etc. My biggest present this year was a South African Monopoly set. Its not the exact one as I grew up playing- all the street names have changed to suit the times and they now use airports instead of railways- but it’s still South African and thus AWESOME. My sister isn’t feeling well today so hopefully she’ll play with me tomorrow.

After present opening came a terrible lull, waiting for lunch. I sat with my phone and idly browsed my googlereader and wrote parts of this post in an effort to drive off boredom. (A failed effort. I was so extremely bored.) Lunch was brilliant food-wise (the second great thing about Christmas: FOOD) but ended up not-so-brilliant in any other way. My dad and sister had some kind of disagreement over the cooking before and my sister wasn’t feeling well and was all emotional and ended up crying. Lunch started fine but disintegrated into awkward city. My parents cleaned up and I helped. Then we all retreated to our rooms to do our separate things and that is how things have stayed. I am shifting my excitement onto the fact that episodes 13 and 14 of Secret Garden airing this weekend look awesome. (I am hopelessly addicted to that drama, no matter how little actual storyline it has.)

Its only 4pm but Christmas seems to be pretty much over for my house. Its all rather anti-climatic. :/

(And yes. I could have posted a picture of our tree or my presents but instead have Phoebe being awesome. Fuck yeah friends)

drown

My parents recently went away to South Africa, leaving me the house to myself for three weeks. I’m not entirely sure whether to feel bad for enjoying the weeks so much and wishing they weren’t over so soon. It was amazing- I was able to just be without feeling like someone was constantly looking at my actions and my appearance and my words and trying to find something wrong. I could live on my own schedule, I could eat what I want, I could not wear headphones all the time and turn the volume up and even sing along if I wanted to, I could take extra long showers and walk around in as little or as much clothing as I wanted. I took over my parents bedroom so I had a double bed all to myself. It was bliss curling up in that big bed and reading by the faint light of the lamp on the night stand until 3am, or getting the laptop out and watching a movie curled up in bed until similar hours in the morning. I could then sleep in until whenever, waking up slowly, the house silent all around me, still and calm.  I had my cat of course and I admit I was worried about taking care of her but I managed and she was good company. It was probably a little bad that I took to attempting conversation with my cat but oh well. My cat took to curling up at me feet, or on my stomach, as I lay in bed, waking me up in the morning by walking over me, following me around and watching as I ate. Cats are relatively easy company. They can be demanding but mainly they keep to themselves. It was a quiet time, peaceful and relaxing. I felt happy…and not at all lonely. The worse thing that happened was our central heating running out of oil and having to live in the cold, cold house for 10 days. Taking full responsibility of the chores wasn’t too bad. Cooking for myself was disastrous but I could live on an awesome diet of Doritos, sandwiches and various tinned food so its not like I starved. I just ate like whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted cos there was no one to tell my otherwise and I liked that even if my body probably hated me for it.

Now its over and everything is back to how it was as if those weeks had never happened. Sure there are the good parts, the civil conversation, the compliments and the “I missed you”-s, the having my meals cooked for me again (and my mom made me my favourite- macoroni cheese- tonight), the presents brought back from SA. But there’s the bad parts too: the nagging, the critiscm, my mother trying to fight with me, having to listen to my mother and father arguing once more. My sister comes home tommorow then there will be all 4 of us pissing each other off. It’s noisy again, its difficult again—

—and again I feel like I’m drowning.

“If you want to succeed in your life, remember this phrase: The past does not equal the future. Because you failed yesterday; or all day today; or a moment ago; or for the last six months; the last sixteen years; or the last fifty years of life, doesn’t mean anything… All that matters is: What are you going to do, right now?”

(via thinkings)

motivational.