Honest Lies – Page 44 – "Okay, so I'm the dragon. Big deal. You still get to be the hero."

Welcome! Honest Lies is the personal site of a 26 year old graduate electrical engineer living in the UK. Covering every day life, books and various other randomness. Read more about me and the site here.

“There’s an innocence I possess. But you, you keep snatching it away, even from the smallest openings”

The past week has been a particularly stressful one, despite having a lot of free time deadlines are beginning to pile up, and exam time tables have even been released which means I’ve had to start getting serious about revision. That is, I am going to have to. Last week I was preoccupied with a particularly awful maths coursework due on Thursday.

I’d been good and started it when it was issued, weeks ago, but every time I sat down to it I became lost and confused. I literally could not do it. This meant that by Wednesday I still had not completed a single question. Thus, I found myself sat in the library with my friend for the majority of Wednesday afternoon, struggling through it together. We did as much as we could, then went home. I took a break then sat down to work on it some more, found the stupid error that was messing up everything, and then redid most of it all over again. At 1am I was lying awake and reading, when my friend texted me. I offered to help him. So he came by my halls and we sat and discussed it for a little bit. That was awkward. I was bare faced, with wet newly washed hair and in my pajamas. Thankfully in the time it took for him to drive here I had managed to get dressed at least, but I still wonder at the fact that he drove all the way here for my work. Well, in the end I completed my maths coursework about an hour before the deadline and by skipping all my lectures on Thursday. A job well done, clearly. Honestly, by the end I was near crying with frustration. I wanted to do better this semester, but I am still struggling. It’s not like I am not trying to be good and getting things done- its just cannot do it. I spend hours struggling with just a handful of questions, or reading through notes that might as well as be in Russian for all I understand them. That is why I am so, so grateful for this friend. It is so good to have support from someone. But it’s so frustrating that I had to find someone like that here, when I have so little time here. :/

After the stress of Thursday, I was badly in need of a break. In a lucky coincidence my lecture was cancelled on Friday so off I went to KL to shop. I’d given myself a generous budget for the day and was quite excited. Naturally, the day would go terrifically wrong.

I woke up late and ended up getting the bus at lunchtime, arriving into KL around 1pm. I got onto the sky train to Bukit Bintang and it started to rain. Like always, before I go to KL I look at my umbrella and think to myself I should take that followed by nah, I probably won’t need it, and every single time it rains and I get wet. I exited the sky train and walked through the shops, lingering as much as I could before I decided to hell with it and waltzed past those hovering under the eaves and into the streets. I was soaked immediately. When it rains in KL it chucks it down. “End of the World Rain” I heard someone call it once, and I agree. I rushed down to the crossing to get to Pavilion only to be greeted by thick traffic and a taunting red light. As I was standing there, getting soaked to the bone, a woman came up to me and asked “do you want shelter?” Well, I was not about to say no. I smiled and thanked her, grateful and we stood in silence for a while, until the light changed. I was not sure what to do next and in the end I felt awkward so I turned and quickly thanked her then ran off. I felt a little rude and very sorry that I had not tried better to be friendly, as always. To the random kind stranger, I am sorry for being socially awkward

I arrived into the super fancy pavilion absolutely soaked and looking very bedraggled. I dusted the rain off and pretended not to be though and went off to have lunch at the restaurant Morganfields. I got there late, around 3pm and the restaurant was near empty – just me, a group of business people and a couple. I actually liked that, as the opposite would be that it was crowded or noisy or full. I sat down at a little table, initially feeling quite self conscious but once the food was ordered, I settled down to read my book and when the food came, eat slowly and savour the taste of pork as I read. Which was rather relaxing. The food was fairly delicious too, although probably overpriced for what it was. I had a bunch of sausages with mustard, ham chops with mash potato (that nicely had bits of bacon in) and roast vegetables. For drinks, I had a ice blended drink of watermelon and lime juice. The drink was amazing. The sausage platter was nice, I think I enjoyed it more from a dearth of pork than for what it was. The main meal was also nice but the meat was a little fatty and the portion was ridiculously large. I mean, I could have done with just two pork chops. I did my best to get through it, then finally had to concede defeat even though there were leftovers. I asked for the bill and for the remainders to be packed up, then sat back and waited.

The waiter came back and told me my card did not work. A little worried, only a little, I frowned and asked him if he would try again. He did, still no good. Properly nervous by then, I got out my wallet and thankfully, thank everything, I had enough to cover the meal. But why would my credit card not work? I hunted down an atm and managed to draw out money all right. Puzzled, I went on with my shopping. I went to another shop and went to the till to pay but again, my card was rejected. But again, I thankfully had enough. I was actually worried now. I wanted to go to Sephora and to H&M next but did I draw money for it? Did I try and make it work? Was my card faulty? I ended up cutting my shopping at Bukit Bintang short, going to get the train back to KL Sentral. Of course I was in such a panicked, confused daze that I had got on the wrong train and DID NOT EVEN REALIZE. I was about six stops away from central KL by the time I woke up and noticed that, hang on, should I not be at KL Sentral by now? Doh. I felt like a total idiot. I got on the right train, and then had to go all the way back on myself, making my journey about 30 mins, 40 minutes longer than it should have been.

At KL Sentral I bought my ticket to midvalley and went onwards to there. I wanted to do my grocery shopping, but on the advice of my dad, I decided to make a smaller purchase first, to test if my card still was being wierd and to avoid being sat with a load of groceries I could not pay for. I went to cotton on to buy some shorts and nervously handed over my card. it did not work. The woman tried four times and it still did not work. Thankfully there was an atm right nearby. I put my card in, and it would not even allow me to draw money. Now I was panicking, actually panicking. I desperately needed groceries. I could go back for my makeup and clothes later (I hoped) but I actually really needed groceries. And my credit card is my only access to my money. I phoned my dad up and, I am ashamed of this, shouted at him. Used to this though, he calmed me down and agreed to arrange a call to the credit card company for me. That was how I ended up crouched on the floor in the middle of the mall on the phone to my credit card company. The woman on the phone, infuriatingly, told me to go back to the shop and humiliate myself to get the exact error again. I did shout at her a little because of that, and again, I am ashamed of that, its not her fault. Then her next piece of advice was to try and draw money from another atm and I nearly threw my phone against the nearest wall. But what else cuold I do but listen? There wasn’t anything she could do, my dad could do, I could do other than that. So I went to the atm and put my card in and… it worked. It worked! I went back to the shop, embarrassed at having taken so long, but the girl did not remark and just rang up my purchase for me.

By then it was getting late and i was tired and fed up. I just wanted to go home and read. That would have been a lovely, stress free day off, but no, I had to decide to make a day out of it. I went to the supermarket and did my grocery shopping in record time. I was just…done with the day. Totally done. I got on the train and was so glad to be going back. It was an utter disaster of a day.

The rest of the weekend was OK though. I spent it very lazily, ignoring the things I need to do and in that way got my much needed time off. Unfortunately I felt so lazy that today I could hardly concentrate during lectures and labs. Oh and then, in labs a friend of mine asked me to go to the cinema tomorrow tonight. and I…said yes. Did not even pause to think about making excuses like I usually do, and just happily agreed. what the hell. So now I am in a state of anxiety about that. There’s always something to worry about, isn’t there? At least, for me there is always is.

Listening To: After School - Dilly Dally

“Wonder what to wish for this time”

Delicious Indian Food in Little India

PENANG, DAY 2 – The Tune Hotel turned out to be a good hotel, despite its strange setup. the view over down town Penang was appealing. The location was excellent, the room was a decent size, with a lovely rain shower in the bathroom and a comfortable bed. In fact, for the second day in Penang I had a hard time waking myself up and dragging myself out of the very large, comfortable bed. I’m sure there was a part of me eager to continue to explore Penang, but I was also pretty exhausted. It goes without saying that my friend and I left out hotel at a later time than we had planned, although thankfully still with enough time to get everything done before flying back to KL in the evening.

We started this day by looking for the Burmese temple and unfortunately not finding it. We traipsed the length of the road it was on, peering down every side street but alas, it was not to be found, not without much more time than we had. We had to return to the hotel, to pack up the last of our things and check out. Then we walked to the Penang State Museum. It was a very hot, uncomfortable journey, especially carrying a backpack. We passed a few interesting buildings though. That was actually a theme for this weekend-passing by a lot of things, taking a quick look then walking onto the things we wished to do. In that way, we managed to see a decent amount of Penang without actually putting in any effort or time to see it, which is good. The Museum itself was in a very gorgeous building and contained a lot of information about Penang’s history and all the cultures that live there. It was very interesting and a good size- large enough to be informational, but not too large to get boring or confusing. Afterwards we headed on to Little India for lunch, going to a restaurant my friend had been to before and liked. I could definitely understand why she loved the place. The food was gorgeous. In the UK we get Indian food about once a month and I didn’t realize how much I miss it until I was eating it. I adore Indian food. This was Indian food both familiar and unfamiliar. The curry was delicious, but much the same as the ones we once got from our brilliant local Indian, but the naan bread was nothing like I’ve every tasted. It was so sweet and delicious. When the food came out I panicked at the large portion size, but I pretty much devoured all of it in the end. I’m definitely gonna be going to Little India in KL sometime, to source out food that good.

Feeling very sated, we walked to the Penang Jetty. It was very pretty and definitely unique. Afterwards we bought some violently colored ice lollies to eat at one of the small stores on the jetty. I bought a blueberry one, of course. I love all the fake blueberry goods here- blueberry fanta, blueberry cream biscuits, blueberry ice, even blueberry cream oreos. Actually, I love all the artifical, E number filled junk here. I hate how in the UK they try and make everything healthy. Sorry, but in my opinion some things are supposed to be bad for you. That’s why you eat them every now and then as a delicious, overly sweet, artificial treat! (Or not at all, if you want to be truly healthy.) My favourite is the taste of artificial orange, although artificial blueberry is becoming a close second favourite now. Well, nonetheless, my tongue now stained an attractive blue, it was time to go to the Kek Lok Si temple. Got to the bus terminal and there was some confusion over which bus to take, but thankfully we found someone to ask who directed us to the right bus. Of course, we then had to figure when to get off the bus. The whole journey was not overall relaxing, as I was fairly tense about keeping an eye out and making sure we didn’t miss our stop and end up in some random part of nowhere. Thankfully, we did manage to get off at the right stop (with the help of a very nice bus driver) and the entrance to the temple was also very obvious. We began the ascent to the temple, which was crowded, with markets either side selling all manner of random junk, and sellers eagerly calling out to try and sucker you in. It was nothing you don’t see anywhere else though- clothes, jewelery, touristy items- so my friend and I didn’t linger and kept on going up until we reached the temple.

The temple was beautiful. It was very busy and in a way, I was glad I did not go during the peak time during the Chinese New years. The crowds would have been unbearable then. As it was, we actually did get to see all the lanterns that were hung up- hundreds and hundreds of them. Just not lit up. It was still gorgeous. We went right to the top and sat there for a while, taking in the view of the town and what could be seen of the temple below us as we contemplated our plans for the rest of the day. We left the temple soon after that, going back down through the crowded markets to the town. We stopped at a Chinese Traditional Biscuit Place there and I bought these lovely Pandan Cake Biscuits. Pandan is another thing I am obsessed with here, Pandan Kaya too. I have no idea what either is but they taste heavenly as say, biscuits, cake or waffles! Then we had the challenge of finding a bus to get back. It was not very clear where to go at all, so we eventually asked someone who directed us to a stop we would have never have found ourselves. There was no sign of a bus though, nor any real way of knowing when it would come. Typical Malaysian transport, really.

I nibbled on a few of my new pandan cakes whilst waiting for the bus. They were odd but strangely addictive. It seems to be a Thing here to have cake wrapped in pastry, and this was pretty much based on that idea. The dry, bland taste of the pastry in contrast to the moist , sweet cake had its own appeal. The bus came after a long, anxious wait in the sticky heat and we boarded, heading straight back to Komtar where we would be catching a bus to go to the airport. We had a bit of time so we looked round the shops a little before catching the bus. There were some nice stores but I had no money so could not buy anything. A pity, as I saw some really nice shoes. (I reassure myself that they would likely not have come in my size, anyway.) And that was pretty much it for the weekend.

This trip to Penang was a whirlwind affair but it was great fun to see another part of Malaysia and to spend some time with my friend. I am so glad that I’ve seen some of the scenery that Malaysia has to offer now too- such as the forest and gorgeous stretches of white sand.

“He wanted to bar his doors also, to seal any windows he might own, to be a tower strong and certain, untouchable, alone.”

Yesterday I had my presentation. I slept through all my alarms and only just woke up in time to have one last run through before rushing to my maths tutorial. I ended up walking into maths late, which was terrifically embarrassing when I was all dressed up. OK not dressed up but I’m such a slob on a daily basis that I’m fairly sure I shocked the guys with my more polished appearance. She’s wearing a skirt? And makeup? Indeed. I actually do not know why I bothered going to my maths tutorial, as it wasn’t like I could concentrate. I was super worked up with nerves. The hour crept by slowly, and then I had no choice but to head to my presentation. The venue was my tutors office and the audience the other members of my tutor group. 6 people, excluding myself.

The first guy went up to present and he was really good. His presentation was well put together, attractive and technical. He was confident and talked about his subject with ease. Another guy went, with another technical, confidently presented presentation. Then I volunteered myself. I knew that if I left it any longer I’d be too nervous so I decided to go for it. It turned out to be quite awful. Standing up there presenting to a room full of strangers was so different to presenting to just a room. I rushed through it and I am fairly certain I missed out a couple of important points, though I was hardly aware of what I was saying, if I was fidgeting, if I was even breathing. I felt self conscious about everything from the way I was dressed, to my presentation itself. My topic was a little different and I did not know what they were making of it. Others had chosen to look at technologies and I had chosen? Energy generation in South Africa- how demand side management and energy efficiency are important to South Africa’s future. Yes, I knew it was a little out there but I did not realise what an utterly random topic I had chosen until I was standing there, trying to present it. Once it was over I had two questions which I managed to answer, but not well. Then I got feedback from my tutor. She said it was very interesting but rushed. I said sorry, automatically but she brushed it off, saying again that it was interesting and she actually appreciated that it wasn’t technical! She said she had heard lots of people do renewable and energy generation, but few who looked outside the technical side of things. I was so glad she saw it like that because that is how I see it! The amazing thing about engineering, for me, is that you can make an impact on the world around you with it- both positive and negative. And it is important as an engineer to think about that impact. I found it very interesting exploring the real world impacts of generation, and lack of generation, for this presentation.

I sat through the rest of the presentations, though if you ask me what any of the topics were I would not be able to say. Afterwards I went back to my room and tried to relax, then later I went out to attend a guest lecture the uni was hosting. I rushed there thinking I was late, and it was going to be this huge prestigious event and it would be very embarrassing to walk in late and maybe there wouldn’t even be seats… Turns out it was in this very random, very small little room in a random location. When I got there it had not started and was not even close to starting and the room was half empty. I sat down at the back and got out my phone to look busy. An acquaintance of mine was there but he was sitting with his friends so I did not wish to bother him. To my surprise, he came over and sat next to me. We started chatting and I rambled on about my presentation and how awful it was, still quite worked up with nerves and awkwardness. I would not be surprised if he got not one word out of 10.

The lecturer eventually showed up and the lecture started and…it was not what I was expecting. My friend leaned over to whisper to me and instead of telling him to shut up, I ended up talking to him for almost the entire presentation. Yes, I know. it was terribly rude. But hell, I was presented out. I’d sat through 5 presentations, and hosted my own. I was still a bundle of nerves and restless energy. My friend seemed quite hyper too, I think it was because he was hungry. Either way his energy made my own restlessness worse, and I found myself going from being irritated at him for talking through the lecture, to relaxing into it, and even prompting conversation. it wasn’t even a great conversation- with both of us frequently going “Huh? What was that?” and likely having two entirely separate conversations at several points..But it was kinda fun, just talking about this and that. It has been a long time since I’ve had a friend I can whisper to in class. To be honest, I wonder if I am getting too relaxed around this guy though. I’m fairly sure I end up saying too much to him and he remembers and I think he tells his friends. I don’t quite trust him, just like anyone, really. Friendship terrifies me, I try so hard to distance myself from people, yet I’m only human, and when someone makes the effort to come to me, to not get annoyed by my iffiness, that makes me happy and I cannot help but relax, begin to trust. :( Well, the lecture ended which meant I could escape the social awkwardness, back to my room, and my books and dramas. Later, I kinda felt like crying. It drains me being around people, and I don’t like that.

Anyway, now for today. Today I woke up and checked my emails to find my dad had dropped a bombshell on me- he wants to come to Japan with me. At first I was shocked, and then I started to cry. I have no idea what prompted such an extreme reaction. I guess I really wanted to do this alone. I like travelling alone, and all the freedom it gives. And I guess I was looking for what my last Japan trip gave me- time to be myself without anyone around to judge, time away from everything and anyone, time to heal. I came back from Japan a different person last time and its probably foolish to expect that again, but I suppose there was a part that wondered if once again I would leave Japan feeling that same sort of contentedness that had gotten me through my foundation year and started to get my through my first year…before how difficult my degree was caught up with me and I once again started to waver. That’s such a deeply personal reasoning for my dad not to come though that I could not admit it to him. And at the end of the day? I’d feel cruel saying no to my dad. It pisses me off no end that he tells me this now, after I’ve spent hours researching and putting together a solo trip catering to myself and without a car. If I had known it was both of us I would wish for an extra day in Tokyo and Sapporo both, but now we have these time limits and I am going to have to give up certain things I wish to do. And yet, I know I am being selfish thinking those sort of thoughts. Reading his email there is something vulnerable about it and that always scares me. I’m used to be dad being strong. I wonder what is going on home now, with my mother grieving over my grandmother. I realize now, many hours later, was that it was the tone of my fathers email that made me cry. By the tone of his email is seems clear to me that my dad needs this holiday.

But I also think my dad wants a holiday, he wants to see somewhere as different as Japan. He wants to travel and see things, just as his daughters have. It must suck to be the one stuck at home, whilst your children are off seeing the world. And I cannot fault him that. Japan is a beautiful, exciting place. I love it so much and to be able to share that with my family, to be able to let them see why I love it so much would be amazing. Of course, it would also be great being just me and my dad. You know how it is when you have siblings- its hard to catch your parents alone. I like spending time with my father. There is also te benefit that he can hire a car which would be helpful in northern Japan. So I said yes, of course he can come. I have no idea what is happening to my plans now.

Post Title: Tower of the Kings Daughter - Chaz Brenchley
Listening To: Changin' my Life - New Future

“He opens his mouth to say something. You are nervous, but that is only because of the impending doom. Because of people who are more than just regular people, and the battle of good versus evil that approaches them, and, since you have been among them, in your own way, you are more than regular people. In this way, he can never understand you. Can never hurt you.”

– You Are an Object/Fredrick James, Strange

(Well, this turned into a very long rant.)

I used to follow the website “You Are an Object” religiously but I eventually could not keep up with it. There was one story however that kept me coming back periodically just to see if the author would update it and to my surprise, when I checked back the other day I found the author had published a book based on that story. I bought is immediately. And I was very disappointed. What reviews exist for this book are so good that it leaves me conflicted when I say: I really did not like this book.

The book is told from the point of view of Sebastian, a shy, self deprecating 20 something hopelessly in love with his neighbour. Sebastian’s room mate comes to him one day and tells him she has psychic powers and in that way, Sebastian becomes involved with her and a group of others like her as they try to figure out what is behind the high death rate at a local hospital, soon finding themselves up against an ancient cult led by a monstrous otherworldly creature. That was a difficult summary to write, and perhaps it does not make much sense and seems a little all over a place, but to be fair to me, this book does not make much sense and is quite a lot all over the place. OK, I admit, initially I enjoyed this. Its written in second person which is a little unusual, but James has a real knack for description and he made it work. Initially, its beautiful, really, and often heart breaking. I loved Sebastian, and I loved all the subtle ways James alluded to his longing, and to his loneliness. But the pacing of the book is haphazard and the next thing we are sitting in a church basement with a bunch of strangers, being told that we know them, having to act like we understand what they are talking about when they discuss what is going on. I think that was when the book began to lose me, and it never managed to draw me back in.

The book continued on its erratic course, jumping time lines, or just skipping huge chunks of time, as the plot becomes ~~messier and messier~~ sorry, develops. To make it even more confusing- it flicks around the point of view of several characters and honestly, several is too much. I struggled to connect with these characters, as I was too busy trying to figure out who was supposed to be the one telling the story. Although it would become apparent the viewpoint had again switched, most of the characters read the same. I wish the book had really focused on Sebastian- had kept the book from his point of his view. It is, shockingly, possible to develop other characters without switching to their point of view. Also I admit, what I really wanted was to see Sebastian to grow and for his life to change in ways that may hurt but would ultimately mean he had more confidence and he had his love, through this strange new world he had found himself in. Be the hero, you know? It seemed so much that it would be that book but that was not what I got. The book compromises of three sections and there were dramatic shifts in tone from section to section. The first section was the strongest, the middle less so, and by the end section I was not enjoying the book at all.

This is a reasonably long book, but it came across like a lot was missing, the beginning was rushed, actually it was all rushed, the author was trying to do so much. Too much. It was messy and confusing. The writing style did not help this. It was quite chatty and conversational, which initially was OK, but soon got old. Soon it was like listening to someone rambling on and on when you just asked a simple question. And they don’t even bother to answer your question, in the end. The writing style almost becomes irritating, its so obviously trying to be cool, to be deep and emotional and clever. There are also repeated lines and phrases- you could make a drinking game for every time a character said “like” or “amen.I know I had to resist throwing the book against a wall with every amen. It just.. there’s something so fucking pretentious about the writing. It worked in those snippets, and for the first bit of the book but eventually I just wanted to be like FOCUS. This book needs editing. Or better editing, whatever. I’m fairly sure there were spelling and grammar errors, too.

The random violence in the book was also jarring, not in a good way. There was a bunch of gore and violence thrown in there without abandon. The author got seriously trigger happy, such that it was probably a good thing I gave up caring about these characters early on, with said characters being killed off left and right for reasons I don’t understand. Certainly, none of the characters left seemed to care. Perhaps the author had also become tired of having so many viewpoints.

but seriously, violence and ‘daring’ to kill a character or two off does not necessarily make a book dark or edgy or anything at all.. There’s a little thing called impact, which this book lacks.

I dunno. Maybe I just don’t get it. But for me, this book has a bunch of reasonably interesting ideas that never quite come together. It just seemed that James had a bunch of separate plots and tried to cram them into one book and it did not work at all. This book tries, tries very hard and quite obviously, but ultimately fails. I honestly cannot believe those beautiful short stories came together to form this.

“I try so hard not to become weak”

I am a bit stressed right now, and grouchy because of it. It’s a bit ridiculous to be stressed as I have a lot of free time, but this is the sort of stress that’s more like anxiety, that comes from worrying over many things. One of my main worries right now is of course university. In particular, my first presentation for my professional skills module. I have been counting down the days and there aren’t many left now. It’s should be on Wednesday. So soon!

I finally had an attempt at a proper rehearsal earlier, to my teddy bears and the however many so walls of my room. Not quite an audience but they are all I have. I also finally sat down and edited out numerous errors in my slides, and completed my cue cards. Completing my cue cards involved…well. I wanted to time my presentation but I could not find a stop watch on my phone so I decided instead to use the voice recording function. I saved a few of my test presentations and went over them earlier to see how I managed earlier run throughs, and it was enough to put me off presenting for life. There is something about hearing your own voice that is so very awkward and embarrassing. I had to force myself to keep listening, and to concentrate on what I was saying, rather than how. I really hate hearing myself speak. Hearing those 10 minutes of attempting my presentation I was also reminded of just how much I hate my accent. I tried so hard to keep my South African accent, and I was ‘rewarded’ by ending up with something that is very odd. Most of the time I sound posh English, the sort of accent that people may (stereotypically) think of when they say “British” . However, listening to my voice, there were times I could hear my accent slip and hint at something else, but its so lost in the British that it just sounds strange and distracting. I also found myself using my phone voice in one of my test presentations, the over pronounced, forced polite, overly sweet sort of voice. I sounded about 15 there, and strangely, more South African. So it seems my original accent comes out a) when I am angry and b) when on the phone. How…odd. I wish I had a more defined accent. A nicer accent. I wish I still had my South African accent.

Anyway. Despite my attempts at preparation this presentation refuses to come together. I picked a topic, researched it, put together a presentation, could not find a way to present it effectively, rewrote it and arrived at the point I am now, where I am filled with doubts as it still does not seem quite right. The presentation starts of reasonably strongly but slightly derails off to the end, if I let it. Its a struggle to reach a conclusion, to wrap things up in a way that feels right. As a whole, I don’t think this presentation is particularly inspiring, or even interesting to other people, but I do like the topic so hopefully I can manage, for just a few hours in my life, to show some of the emotions I am feeling and maybe then my tutor won’t find it dull, or pointless. I really do feel uncertain about the whole affair. I have absolutely no confidence about it, not at all.

Other university things: I have maths coursework due next week that I cannot do, which is a bit not good. Numerous other projects and revision things are going equally not well. Ugh. And I still feel so terribly lazy. I cannot believe that exams are only a couple of months away. No, under a couple of months. That’s fucked up, that is. I have only just gotten over the stress and pain of the last lot- and now I have three more?! I know, I should be more positive. I still have two months. I need to do my best, because once this is over, if I do well, I will have finally reached my goal. the last one: the get onto the MEng one. I just need to persevere for two more months, then I am off to Japan, I am going back to the UK and yes, that sucks in some ways, but I will be able to sleep in my own bed and cuddle my cat and eat as much pork as I like (I think every meal for the first week will just about do it!).

It’s a little sad, and I’m not ready to admit it out loud to anyone, but I think in some ways I really am ready to go back. It’s not Malaysia in particular, its more I have had enough of university, and living in halls and yes, there are things I miss. This is a bit cold-hearted isn’t it? That’s why I won’t admit it out loud.

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